Psychology of sympathy

People not only perceive and know each other, but also relate to each other. In order to communicate with you, you must cause sympathy.

Sympathy (attraction) - evaluative emotionally colored component, the emergence of the attractiveness of one person for another.

People involved in positive emotional relationships tend to value each other more highly, and vice versa.

external data. The assessment of physical attractiveness occurs taking into account the norms accepted in this culture. There is a stereotype: "Beautiful means good." The attribution of intelligence and professionalism is positively associated with physical attractiveness for male subjects and negatively for female subjects. Sympathy is influenced by the timbre of the voice, constitution, luck. The most popular are people who prefer to look into the eyes of the interlocutor, smiling. Any increase in the subject's mood makes him more benevolent towards others.

A person who is in more comfortable conditions has a more positive attitude towards other people. Temperature, crowding in the room, spatial proximity affect the human condition. Fear helps to increase the attractiveness of those subjects who are in the same or worse situation.

Factors for stabilizing emotional relationships:

Adequate organization of relationships;

The partners have certain personality traits;

Inclusion of partners in joint activities.

Relationships between people are always work, often difficult, without interruption. It is right when both sides take an active part in this process. However, in real life, one side sometimes has to work in this direction. Such interaction requires a lot of physical and emotional strength.

The breakdown of emotional relationships is difficult for a person, it has a destructive effect on his mental state.

Communication problems are as diverse as the people experiencing these difficulties. It is possible to improve your communication with people and, first of all, it is worth understanding what exactly the reason is - the fear of opening up in communication and showing your feelings and emotions, misunderstanding of the motives of another person or banal fatigue and unwillingness to communicate at all ...

Someone in communication lacks courage and openness, someone would do well to learn how to defend their interests, protect their self-esteem. And someone, on the contrary, should communicate more delicately so as not to alienate other people from themselves ...

Fear of opening up

This is the most common cause that is at the heart of social phobia. Protective psychological reactions do not give a person the opportunity to express himself, express his attitude to the subject, show his emotions and feelings. The reason for this is subconscious fear, reflex fear, often not realized by a person and interpreted by him as shyness and shyness, "such a character." However, social phobia is a disorder that is successfully overcome - personal growth training.

Misunderstanding of motives:

Why did that person grunt something in response - because of impoliteness or because of their own fear of communication? What is behind the outburst of irritation, anger? An internal contradiction or a desire to change the rules of relationships?

It is very easy to label a person, such as "insecure" or " strange person”, based on the first impression of the manner of speech or appearance. It is much more difficult to understand the motives of an act and accept a person as he is. With communication problems, behavioral psychotherapy or, as experts call it, cognitive-behavioral therapy, works best). The first part - work with the cognitive component - is an individual consultation of a person on the issues of understanding other people. The second part - the change in habitual behavioral strategies can take place both in individual and in group form.

Fatigue, unwillingness to communicate:

This is a common symptom of neurasthenia. Prolonged hard work or unresolved psychological problem, which exhausts a person, can lead to a state of irritable weakness. In this state, a person is easily irritated over trifles, and because of this, communication begins to suffer.

If the cause of neurasthenia is hard work, rest is important. Take a vacation, a ticket for at least 3-4 weeks. Rest with neurasthenia should be long! “2-3 days of rest” often aggravate the condition, since the body cannot adapt to the regime change during this time ... If the cause of neurasthenia is an internal psychological conflict, an unresolved problem, a course of psychotherapy with a psychotherapist is desirable.

Part 4. KNOWLEDGE AND APPROACH

Part 5. SEARCH LABORATORY

Introduction
Meeting scenarios

Introduction

Sometimes I ask myself: maybe my life would have turned out differently if twenty years ago someone had told me about life and people what I know now? Perhaps, I would answer this question in the affirmative, but I cannot say that I am absolutely sure of this. The same question can be formulated differently: if today someone told me about life and people what I will probably learn in the next twenty years, would I already try to change my life taking into account the information received? This question is much more difficult to answer, and it is unlikely that I could convince myself or the reader with my answer.

Questions like these are especially intriguing when we are talking about the opportunity to enrich their knowledge in the field of interpersonal relationships. You can learn more about how people relate to each other on the basis of your own experience - such knowledge is called personal knowledge - but general knowledge can be obtained by assimilating some concepts and schemes created by other people, for example, from books. Traces of the past constantly live in me - information that I gleaned from direct communication with different people in a variety of situations. This information is always with me - helping or hindering me in life.

Personal knowledge is not just a dispassionate collection of information about other people and about myself, it is deeply rooted in my emotional life. Therefore, when echoes of the past appear in my thoughts or images, I feel, sometimes without realizing the reasons for this, that I have touched something especially important to me. Due to the emotional coloring, personal knowledge can have a much greater influence on behavior than general knowledge. I think that it is impossible to acquire personal knowledge before some life situations allowing you to gain some experience. Such experience cannot be obtained as a gift, it cannot be gleaned from books. To avoid misunderstanding, I want to make a reservation: personal knowledge acquired through life experience, some information about oneself and other people is not always and not necessarily useful and valuable to a person and does not necessarily have to be so. However, their role is very important. Personal knowledge does not arise as simple sum elements of life experience and is not the result of automatic fixation of events in which a person participated. What I see and feel in specific situations, I process and systematize with the help of general schemes and concepts. Therefore, it happens that, having analyzed some event with the help of other concepts and schemes, of which I was once a participant, I begin to realize it in a different way, and this event becomes the source of a different personal content of my knowledge. This is how general schemes and concepts gleaned from books and conversations with people can influence personal knowledge. Therefore, the expression "to learn today what you can learn someday later" can be interpreted in two ways. One version of the reading, for example, could be as follows: "to have already today the experience that will be acquired over the next years." This idea looks tempting, but it is completely unrealistic. A second version of the reading, formulated less decisively, might be: "to have at one's disposal a multitude of different concepts and schemes of analysis, with the help of which it would be possible to process one's individual experience in many ways. "This idea seems to me not only attractive, but also quite real.

She determined the direction of my work on the book, which I now hand over to the reader. You will not find in it a detailed review of psychological ideas about interpersonal relationships. From the sea of ​​information on this topic, I tried to choose mainly what, in my opinion, can be useful for a person interested in finding the optimal form of interpersonal relationships. It is quite natural that the information is biased, based on one's own ideas about what is more or less important in this area. This cannot be avoided when faced with the task of choice.

I will note, however, that I have written rather little about certain aspects of interpersonal relations, although I consider them extremely important. I mean such enduring values ​​in human relations as kindness, benevolence, honesty, tolerance, and so on. My choice is explained by the fact that quite a lot has already been said and written about this, and I would like to pay more attention to issues about which somewhat less is known and written.

It's no secret that interpersonal relationships are as important to us as the air we breathe. The earth's atmosphere contains in appropriate proportions the elements necessary for the life and normal functioning of organisms. These elements surround us and penetrate into every organism. Interpersonal relationships play a similar role in the social life of people. We often say that in some situation "there was an oppressive atmosphere, full of tension, hostility and suspicion", or we recall "a cordial atmosphere of goodwill and mutual tolerance".

The lack or excess of individual elements of the atmosphere of interpersonal communication makes it difficult, and sometimes makes it impossible to have a normal life that brings a sense of satisfaction. Examples of the too high price that most people have to pay for a long stay in an unhealthy atmosphere of disturbed interpersonal relationships are neurosis and other emotional disorders, suicide attempts, alcoholism, psychosomatic diseases such as heart attacks, various ulcers of the esophagus, asthma, etc. However, often the connection between health disorders, human suffering and the characteristics of the relationship in which he lived and was formed is indirect and implicit. It takes skill and time to discover and understand these connections. And for a deeper analysis of these dependencies and the choice of an adequate form of elimination of violations, the help of a specialist in the field of psychotherapy is sometimes necessary.

It is easier to detect other, albeit less obvious, consequences of interpersonal impairments. It is well known how often many efforts, creative ideas, ambitions and hopes are ruined in an atmosphere of unhealthy struggle or indifference. Probably, many of the readers themselves had the opportunity to verify this. Comparing the atmosphere of interpersonal relationships with an airy atmosphere, we may be on the wrong track. The Earth's atmosphere arose long before the appearance of man on Earth, and its composition was formed independently of the influence of people. True, now with the development of industrial civilization, people are doing a lot to pollute the Earth's atmosphere, but it is not so easy to completely spoil it, and we can hope that for some time we will have something to breathe.

The atmosphere of interpersonal relationships is created by the people themselves. By their actions, they can pollute this atmosphere, disrupt the optimal proportion of its constituent elements. But people can contribute to the improvement of this atmosphere, they can change it so that a climate favorable to personal development and equal coexistence of entire communities.

AT recent times Much is said and written about interpersonal relationships. The idea of ​​the significance of this sphere of life, of its enduring value, has been established. This is due to the fact that people are more and more successful in coping with economic and political problems, and, consequently, more attention and time can be devoted to organizations. everyday communication together. During the years of war and deprivation, the problems of interpersonal relations did not seem as important as in peacetime, when basic material needs were satisfied.

It once seemed that the only obstacle to the happy coexistence of people is the existence of social systems based on the unfair distribution of material wealth, on the exploitation of man by man. However, now, when many nations overcome this obstacle, establishing more equitable socio-economic relations, it turned out that the problem of the quality of interpersonal contacts is much more complex than previously thought. Social changes occurring on the scale of entire nations do not automatically entail fundamental changes on the scale of the daily relationships of individuals. Only change general terms and Conditions their lives, and this increases the chances of establishing better forms of coexistence. However, this is only an opportunity that has yet to be seized.

The quality of interpersonal relationships in our Everyday life often rated as unsatisfactory. The reasons for this are usually seen in the existence of "bad people", people who are credited with special character traits and actions that deserve unambiguous criticism and moral censure. Most often, these traits include: selfishness, indifference, rudeness, deceit, lack of education, moral principles, culture, etc. Although we use these epithets quite often, they say little by themselves.

It is much more important to pay attention to the very common tendency to talk and think about people almost exclusively in terms of evaluation. The use of black-and-white categories of good and evil to explain complex phenomena makes it difficult - and sometimes simply impossible - to understand what is really happening between people. This way of thinking, with the help of assessments and labels, pushes to search for those responsible for troubles and failures, and then to severe reprisals against them. This position makes it much more difficult to try to improve relationships in which people do not commit clear violations of legal and ethical norms, but at the same time they live unhappily with each other.

When everyone involved contributes to an unhealthy relationship, it's hard to even just start a normal and calm conversation about ways to change the relationship for the better. Most often in such situations, people begin to blame each other, swear and attack each other, and few people want to be in the role of the guilty and condemned. Most of the difficulties, problems and conflicts between people cannot be resolved through the penal code or disciplinary regulations. It seems to me that people often suffer, feel sad, afraid of something, upset and renounce something as a result of actions committed without malicious intent. In these situations it is difficult to determine who is to blame, it is difficult to correct what happened with the help of punitive measures. Instead, you can look for and identify the causes of difficulties, problems, and failures.

In order to truly and in detail know the reality of interpersonal relationships, in order to understand what is really happening in people and between them, you need to be able to give up judgments, from the search for an evil genius, from the desire to dump all problems in one heap. On the contrary, it may be much more important to develop the ability to look at people's problems from different points of view, carefully and without prejudice. It is also important to learn to listen carefully to what is being said, to be aware of what you feel and do in the process of communication.

Especially valuable is the ability to distinguish between what you see and hear, and how you evaluate it, to distinguish between what exists and what should exist. In specific situations, this is not so easy to achieve. I believe, however, that many people are interested in better understanding how they live with others and how they can make this life happier. I wrote this book with these people in mind, although I understand that no book, even much better than this one, can replace the real search that each of us can lead. I do not believe in the value of ready-made recipes for life, so in this work you will not find specific recommendations on how to behave with people so that relationships develop successfully. On the contrary, I have tried to draw attention to problems whose posing can help in my own daily searches.

I think it makes no sense to constantly analyze our actions and the situations in which we were participants. This can be an obstacle to spontaneous and sincere interaction. However, when we want to change something for the better or help someone in this, it is important to make more efforts than usual in order to properly understand the existing relationship.

Perhaps some fragments of this book will seem somewhat boring to a person who is not accustomed to systematically analyze everyday situations and events. In the education of a modern person, there is a huge disproportion between how much time and effort is spent on obtaining detailed information about the life of animals, plants, as well as about physical and chemical phenomena, and what is done to obtain systematized knowledge about various aspects of interpersonal relationships, about psychological features personality. Therefore, people, as a rule, are more attracted by their own impressions of communication with others, examples from life, rather than individual studies of various mental phenomena or an analysis of typical forms of behavior. Schooling does not develop the skill to systematically reflect on these issues.

We often have to analyze the nature of relationships between people in situations that are not very favorable for serious reflection and accurate understanding. The quality of interpersonal contacts usually attracts our attention when we are not satisfied with them, when something unpleasant happens. In these cases, we begin to look around almost involuntarily for the culprit rather than the cause.

The feeling of dissatisfaction with communication is inherent in people in whose lives two important phenomena appear too often and with excessive intensity: collision and alienation.

It seems that a collision is the most often described and encountered form of contacts between people. However, the manifestations of this form are very diverse. In some cases, the clash manifests itself exclusively in the struggle, in the attempts of opponents to disarm each other. An example of this would be a situation where someone is trying to be discredited through intrigue, persecution, false accusations, and so on. Other forms of clashes are more like fights between boxers or fencers - the main thing that partners strive for is to prove their advantage over the other. Sometimes the main goal is to establish dominance over other people in order to subordinate them to your interests or use them for your own benefit.

Among the various forms of clashes, one can also find those that contain constructive and valuable beginnings both for the participants in the clash and for other people or even entire communities. Constructive intellectual disputes, confrontations of different positions can bring certain benefits and satisfaction, can help improve the situation in the world. Communication in the form of collisions is the result of individual differences between people and occurs when the actions of individuals - participants in one situation have an antagonistic orientation. Collisions are the result of a mismatch of attitudes, feelings, aspirations, goals, behaviors and ways of thinking. Naturally, disagreements, contradictions and conflicts cannot be avoided in life.

However, in reality, most often it is not the conflicts themselves that have a destructive effect on people and make it difficult for them to live together, but the consequences of certain forms of behavior in conflict situation Key words: fear, hostility, sense of threat. If these experiences are excessively intense and prolonged, a defensive reaction may arise and consolidate in people, that is, behavior that is woven into the structure of the personality and distorts the nature of thinking, actions and feelings.

Negative consequences fear, hostility and a sense of danger extend to other situations in which this subject becomes a participant. Thus, something like a chain reaction occurs, which covers ever wider areas of interpersonal relationships. For example, a person brought up in an atmosphere of fear and danger may later become a source of such an atmosphere, raising his children or leading his subordinates. At the same time, he acts not quite consciously, not guided by the so-called malicious intent. He only reproduces some stereotype of interpersonal contacts, which was fixed in him sometime in the past as part of his personality.

The defensive reaction in response to feelings of fear and threat can manifest itself in various forms of behavior. Sometimes, under the influence of fear, a person tries to become "small and inconspicuous" so as not to catch the eye of those who are a source of threat to him. Often there are people who once in the past chose a similar style of response and behavior for themselves and behave in this way, although the original source of danger has long since disappeared. However, such a "small" person with a constant sense of insecurity will be much more likely than others to face situations of threat from the outside world. And this will strengthen him in the consciousness of danger and his powerlessness before it.

Another type of defensive behavior, which is very common, is the constant readiness for an attack, for the destruction or neutralization of a source of danger. If this type of response becomes a stable personality trait, then the readiness to attack extends to potential sources of threat. Every person can turn out to be such a potential source, except perhaps for the very weak and obedient. Often, in order to avoid such a potential threat from other people, they resort to attempts to subjugate them to their power or constantly control them, taking a safe place above them due to their unattainability. This behavior is also not dictated by evil intentions, people who often act in this way are solely concerned with feeling confident and safe. To enjoy working with others or teaching them, such people need to be in control.

Another way to deal with your own sense of fear and impending danger is to master a set of tricks, games, and manipulations to keep the other person at a safe distance. Sometimes it even helps in achieving small victories in constant skirmishes. Constant readiness for defensive-offensive games and manipulations requires changing various masks and costumes, which should deceive the enemy. However, it often happens that the true appearance of a person, tightly hidden under a mask, seems to be lost, disappears. He who too often plays or pretends in front of other people himself ceases to understand what is true and authentic in him, and what is artificial.

In such a situation, it is impossible to establish real sincere contacts with others, and moreover, a person loses contact with himself, ceasing to understand who he really is.

Sometimes the collision is transformed into another form of contact, which can be called alienation. Alienation can be seen as a specific form of self-defense in the form of a truce, often associated with a sense of one's own powerlessness or fatigue that comes as a result of the previous struggle. Alienation can be characteristic not only for relations between people who know little of each other and have few common interests, but also for relations between those who are united by a common work, joint scientific activity, belonging to the same family or group. Such relationships are characterized by detachment, indifference or a sense of alienation.

Even if everything was completely different before, now people are losing interest in each other, and their behavior towards each other becomes just a mechanical repetition of the past, a manifestation of once developed stereotypes. Thoughts about each other become just as stereotypical and fruitless, their meaning and significance are lost. It is as if the source that nourished the relationship dries up, giving it personal meaning. People look at each other, but what they see seems unimportant to them, they listen to each other, but what they hear seems monotonous, colorless and not conducive to mutual understanding. It happens that even a once great and stormy passion, mutual charm of partners suffers a complete collapse and alienation comes to replace mutual closeness.

It also happens that people live together for many years, feeling mutual alienation and a great distance, but at the same time they believe that this is how it should be, that this is inevitable. Often they even think that such alienation is a normal phenomenon, and do not imagine how it could be otherwise. Alienation is almost always associated with a breakdown in communication. This leads to the restriction or rupture of relations, a decrease in the level of mutual understanding. However, often behind the external mutual alienation are hidden still alive, but suppressed reactions, feelings and desires. People are afraid or unable to express what is happening in them. Therefore, they try to keep it in themselves, hide it from others.

Inner experiences that cannot be adequately expressed become a burden and an obstacle in further contacts. The resulting feeling of alienation, distance, isolation causes much more damage than the possible losses associated with the risk that one has to take in search of new better ways mutual understanding. Unfortunately, what people fear most is precisely the risk that invariably accompanies any attempt to change something.

A slightly more relaxed form of alienation, in which the feeling of isolation and alienation is not experienced so sharply, is the so-called conventional correctness. It is based on the observance of certain rigidly defined boundaries, within which one should keep one's own behavior and the behavior of another person. These boundaries are established under the influence of certain conventional norms inherent in this environment, or as a result of the operation of unwritten laws in the implementation of social roles. Indeed, compliance with such rules and conventions facilitates social interaction, allowing you to anticipate and control the actions of people, but people whose communication takes place only within such boundaries often experience a strong sense of dissatisfaction. Some of them complain in such cases that they constantly seem to be participating in the same play, and the costumes they wear and the text of their roles prevent them from establishing a sincere and intimate relationship.

However, there are situations that occur more often for some, less for others, when we give up our weapons and armor, take off our costumes and masks. These are moments of genuine meeting, real contact and mutual understanding. At such moments, you can appear before another in your true form, without pretending. What people say, and what they express without words in such situations, corresponds to what they think and feel. Thanks to this, mutual respect, openness, and deeper knowledge of each other become possible. This contributes to the successful joint resolution of conflicts and problems. And then it turns out that people are ready to selflessly help each other as soon as the need arises. It is clear that the true communication described in this way does not mean a cloudless idyll of unclouded heavenly happiness.

Each of us is characterized by complex and internally contradictory thoughts, ideas and attitudes, sometimes painfully making contact difficult. And when we meet with another person, we must be prepared for the fact that we will encounter all his personal characteristics. This often requires tolerance, a certain amount of skill and faith that such communication is possible. The absence of mutual threats, the rejection of a defensive position, mutual acceptance, honest and sincere actions, all this allows people to evaluate situations of such communication as the most valuable moments in life. However, they do not occur very often and are short-lived. Although people think that moments like this are the result of chance, they really aren't. Each of us can do something to increase the possibility of such communication, even if its forms are diverse and do not coincide with our ideal idea of ​​interpersonal contacts. It seems to me that a person who is interested in improving relationships should not make excessive and harsh demands on himself and others, forcibly adjusting his actions to some planned or previously formed immutable pattern.

Such demands can become a barrier to achieving any change. The changing course of everyday life, meeting with different people make us constantly choose the style of behavior with others. This often requires changes in previously formed patterns of behavior and ideas about oneself and others. However, it often happens that we try to avoid this and stubbornly repeat only what was once fixed in our behavior and thoughts. Anyone who in childhood realized that for him the most beneficial way of behavior is compliance and passivity, can for many years, and sometimes until the end of his life, behave in relations with others in accordance with this model. Someone else, brought up in conditions that have shaped his readiness for rebellion, struggle and suspicion, in subsequent years and in other situations, can constantly implement such a stereotype of behavior. Each of us, to some extent, is guided by patterns of behavior formed in the past. However, depending on the situation and goals, we make new elections and can test the value and effectiveness of old designs. The presence of patterns of behavior and thinking certainly makes life easier for us, because ready-made ways to solve various problems follow from them, but at the same time they can be the cause of routine and sketchy actions. Constant use of them makes it difficult to see the inimitable, unique, changing characteristics of people and situations. It is important, therefore, to have at least a few models at your disposal, to be able to use them flexibly, to go beyond the usual schemes, and to be sensitive to opportunities to act and think in new ways. Then, perhaps, an understanding will come that the nature of the interaction of people in the process of living together is not determined by a combination of circumstances or destiny. This, however, does not mean that each of us is free to build our own relationships. Nevertheless, I believe that everyone has opportunities that have not yet been fully realized.

Based on the work of David Johnson, E. Melibruda offers one of the possible models of behavior in a conflict situation. The author highlights the factors that, in his opinion, can contribute to constructive conflict resolution. From page to page, the psychologist persistently urges us to take care of ourselves first of all, our mistakes in communication, the shortcomings of our personality; Only under this condition can new perspectives of interpersonal relationships open up before us..

Published according to the edition: Melibruda E. I - You - We: psychological possibilities for improving communication.

Per. from Polish. - M.: Progress, 1986.

I have already written about the widespread belief about the negative role of conflicts. Most people prefer to avoid conflict relationships, not to talk about them, to hide them for as long as possible. I have written about the adverse consequences of this way of thinking.

Everyone understands that conflicts have existed and will continue to exist, they are an integral part of human relationships, and one cannot say that conflicts are useless or pathological. They are normal in our lives. They arise due to differences between people, due to the fact that the actions, ideas, feelings of each of us are not the same and sometimes come into conflict with each other. A picture of a society without interpersonal conflict seems to me something monstrous, since this would mean a complete loss of individuality, freedom and authenticity. However, nothing similar threatens us. So instead of scaring ourselves with pictures of a conflict-free existence, let's rather think about whether there is any possibility of constructive and successful behavior in the event of conflict. This topic is truly inexhaustible; an entire book could be devoted to it alone.

Here, based on the work of David Johnson, whose ideas I have repeatedly used in my psychological practice, I want to offer one of the possible models of behavior in a conflict situation.

The following factors play an important role in the constructive resolution of conflicts:

The adequacy of the reflection of the conflict;

Openness and effectiveness of communication between the conflicting parties;

Creation of a climate of mutual trust and cooperation;

Definition of the essence of the conflict. Let's look at each of these factors separately.

Adequate perception of the conflict

Very often in a situation of conflict, we misperceive our own actions, intentions and positions, as well as the actions, intentions and points of view of the opponent. Typical perceptual distortions include:

“Illusions of our own nobility” - in a conflict situation, we often believe that we are the victim of attacks by an evil enemy, whose moral principles are very doubtful. It seems to us that truth and justice are entirely on our side and testify in our favor. In most conflicts, each of the opponents is confident that he is right and striving for a fair resolution of the conflict, he is convinced that only the opponent does not want this.

"Searching for a straw in the eye of the other" - each of the opponents clearly sees the shortcomings and errors of the other, but is not aware of the same shortcomings in himself. As a rule, each of the conflicting parties tends not to notice the meaning of their own actions in relation to the opponent, but instead reacts with indignation to his actions.

"Double ethics" - even when the opponents realize that they are doing the same things towards each other, all the same, their own actions are perceived by each of them as permissible and legal, and the actions of the opponent as dishonest and impermissible.

“Everything is clear” - very often each of the partners oversimplifies the situation of the conflict, and in such a way that it confirms general idea that his actions are good and correct, and the partner's actions, on the contrary, are bad and inadequate. These and similar misconceptions inherent in each of us in a conflict situation, as a rule, exacerbate the conflict and prevent a constructive way out of the problem situation. In any conflict, partners experience so-called mixed feelings. On the one hand, everyone feels hostility, anger or even hatred towards the other, a desire for the opponent to give up his position, on the other hand, opponents have, albeit very muted, more benevolent feelings generated by the totality of previous relationships, as well as the desire to mutual understanding and agreement.

If the distortion of perception during conflict is excessively large, there is a real danger of being trapped in your own bias, because you clearly see and feel only the hostility of the partner, not noticing any other feelings on his part. This can lead to the so-called self-validating assumption: assuming that the partner is extremely hostile, you begin to defend yourself from him, going on the offensive. Seeing this, the partner experiences hostility towards us, and our preliminary assumption, although it was incorrect, is immediately confirmed. Knowing about such ideas in a conflict situation, try to analyze more carefully your feelings in specific cases: do you have similar distortions when you are trying to resolve this or that conflict.

This is the main condition for constructive conflict resolution. However, unfortunately, in a conflict situation, communication, as a rule, deteriorates. Opponents are more likely to use communication methods that make it difficult to understand what is actually happening. They basically try to hurt the enemy, while they themselves take a defensive position, hiding any information about themselves. Meanwhile, communication can only help resolve the conflict when both parties are looking for a way to reach mutual understanding. I guess that many readers at this point shrug their shoulders and think: "Easy to say, but in reality ...".

Indeed, when a person is "overwhelmed" with emotions and captured by the conflict, it is difficult for him to express his thoughts and listen carefully to the enemy. Therefore, sometimes it makes sense at the very beginning of the conflict to take risks and as fully as possible, even in a harsh form, express to each other what you feel. At this moment, it is pointless to try to decide something, the main thing to take care of is not to offend or humiliate your partner. The Japanese, for example, came up with a kind of ritual for this and soft pillows for beating. Sometimes even shouting or hitting the table is better than a calm, cold-blooded retort that the opponent will remember for a lifetime. Sometimes, under the guise of good manners and a polite tone, people go to the deliberate psychological murder of another, destroying in him his image of himself. As a result, partners refuse to look for constructive ways out of the conflict, but only “lick their wounds” and think about possible revenge.

Mutual expression of feelings, at least in part, can help create the conditions for using communication for the purpose of a constructive exchange of thoughts. It would be nice if each of the opponents could at least partially tell the other the following:

What would I like to do to resolve the conflict?

What kind of reactions do I expect from the other?

What am I going to do if my partner doesn't behave the way I expect?

What consequences do I hope for if an agreement is reached?

Probably, some forms of communication, which I wrote about above, can contribute to a constructive solution to the conflict, for example:

Statements that convey how I understood his words or actions, and the desire to get confirmation that I understood them correctly;

Open and personalized statements regarding my state, feelings and intentions;

Information containing feedback on how I perceive the partner and interpret his behavior;

Demonstration that I accept the partner as a person in spite of criticism or resistance regarding his specific actions. It can also be mentioned, although it seems obvious, that threats, lies, attempts to hide the manipulation of a partner should be avoided, because these actions are dictated by the desire to get the better of the enemy, and not to achieve mutual agreement.

Creating a climate of mutual trust and cooperation

This can be facilitated by the manifestation of trust in a partner by being ready to open such an unprotected position to him, which is the desire for agreement and mutual understanding, unwillingness to use the enemy’s weaknesses and vulnerabilities.

The conflict is resolved more successfully if both parties are interested in achieving some common result that encourages them to cooperate. The experience of joint activities in the name of achieving a common goal brings partners together, allows you to discover new, additional ways to overcome the difficulties and troubles associated with conflict resolution. The successful solution of joint tasks also increases the degree of mutual trust, which facilitates the risk of openness in communication. This is a moment of extreme importance, since people often do not even imagine that it is possible to cooperate with a person with whom they are in a conflict relationship.

Definition of the essence of the conflict

The more precise the definition of the essential elements of the conflict, the easier it is to find the means for effective behavior. It is highly desirable that partners be able to agree on how to define a conflict situation. Consistent behavior aimed at overcoming the conflict as a whole involves several stages.

1. Definition of the main problem. An exhaustive definition of the nature of the problem that led to the conflict helps each opponent to evaluate his own behavior and the actions of the other, to better understand the situation in which both find themselves. It is very important to realize the points of contact of the conflicting parties and the differences between them, in most cases the differences are not really recognized, and the similarities are unknown:

How do I understand the problem? What actions of mine and what actions of the partner led to the emergence and consolidation of the conflict?

How does my partner see the problem? What, in his opinion, my and his own actions underlie the conflict?

Is the behavior of each of us appropriate to the current situation?

How can we most succinctly and fully define our common problem?

On what issues do we disagree with a partner?

On what issues do we stand in solidarity and understand each other?

2. Determining the cause of the conflict. Even if we know exactly what we like and dislike about our behavior, there is still a strong possibility that a conflict like the current one will happen again in the future. Therefore, it is important to understand the causes of conflict. Knowing these reasons will limit the number of conflict clashes on this issue or avoid them altogether:

It is necessary to clarify for yourself as completely and truthfully as possible what in the actions of the enemy seems to me unacceptable;

I need to understand what my actions in a conflict situation are unacceptable for a partner;

It is necessary to determine what exactly caused the conflict.

3. Search for possible ways to resolve the conflict.

What can I do to resolve the conflict?

What could my partner do about it?

What are our common goals, in the name of which it is necessary to find a way out of the conflict?

4. Joint decision on the way out of the conflict. When making this decision, it is necessary to take into account the possible consequences of each of the ways to resolve the conflict and realize that only the joint efforts of partners can lead to the desired result:

What are the likely consequences of each of the possible ways to resolve the conflict?

What needs to be done to achieve the intended goals?

Which of the ways to resolve the conflict makes us feel satisfied with its constructiveness?

5. Implementation of the jointly planned method of resolving the conflict.

6. Evaluation of the effectiveness of the efforts made to resolve the conflict. If the problem could not be resolved, it is necessary to repeat all the previous steps, while trying to be aware of the experiences that arise both in the case of a successful resolution of the problem, and in the event that the desired results were not achieved again.

And I want to stop on two points.

First, the suggestions listed above are not a recipe for a miracle cure for conflict resolution. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to deal with every situation. Our only "resource" is our personality. The described stages of conflict resolution contain only some indications, the implementation of which requires the involvement of our entire personality, efforts, skill, perseverance and good will on our part. Even so, I cannot guarantee success. The probability of it, however, is the greater, the more consciously we act, focusing on some kind of guiding signs. The only author of his success is the one who has done and tried something.

Second, all successive steps towards a way out of the conflict, more or less similar to those described here, must be taken by both sides in each specific case. The basis for joint searches can be an exchange of opinions, proposals, thoughts about each next stage. This requires, as we see, close cooperation. Therefore, the search should begin with consent to such cooperation.

An auxiliary tool may be to write down your thoughts about each next problem and timely acquaintance of the partner with them. It should be remembered that failures at the beginning do not determine the final result. It's important to try, try, try.

Types and levels of communication

Communication is a multidimensional, multifunctional, diverse process. In psychology, there are several classifications of types of communication. They present this phenomenon in various ways, enriching the palette of its characteristics. The most commonly used are those that can be described as follows:

Depending on the specifics of the subjects (individual or group), interpersonal, intergroup, intersocial communication, as well as communication between an individual and a group, are distinguished;

According to the quantitative characteristics of the subjects, the same is distinguished - communication, interpersonal communication and mass communications;

By the nature of communication can be mediated and direct, and dialogical monologue;

According to the target orientation, anonymous communication, role-playing, informal, including intimate family communication, are distinguished.

Each of us daily has to contact with many strangers. This communication is anonymous. When a person has many contacts at the same time, she wants to relieve nervous tension from time to time, relax a little, calm down. Therefore, people often try to avoid contacts in transport or in a queue: they close their eyes, leaf through newspapers, look out the window, etc. If communication occurs, it is carried out at a ritual level.

Communication is manifested from the very first minutes of our attitude to the role we have chosen. Let's say one of us is a subordinate, and who is a leader. Everyone must act in accordance with their functional duties, observing the rules of professional culture in communication. Often the leader behaves condescendingly, neglects the human dignity of the subordinate, talks to him rudely and unceremoniously. And the subordinate understands that the leader, therefore, resorts to such actions, because he is not confident in himself, he is afraid of losing his place, and, according to the following form of behavior, seeks to hide his insolvency.

For functional-role communication is very important benevolence, respect for people the ability to see a person in front of you. This attitude is evidenced, in particular, by a smile, as well as the ability to tell the person something good (for example, compliment on against the backdrop of an anticompliment to himself: “You have such a memory that you can envy kindly”, “You work so well on a computer, I don’t know how”).

Finally, informal communication (very conditionally) involves the exchange of spiritual values. It is dynamic, in the center of it - attention to interpersonal relationships, and not to prestige or mercantile interests. A special kind of informal communication is intimate family. It concerns each of us. We all want a person close to us to be in communication with us. cultural, sensitive, understanding what we didn't say out loud could read in our eyes, in facial expressions, gestures that worries us. But we must remember that the level of culture of a person close to us depends on us. If she did not live up to our expectations, this means that we could not help her, find appropriate ways and means of communication, do not showed by example how to lead.

Role positions in communication are sometimes described as “attach from above”, “devices from below”, and “attach next”. For example, people sit next to each other in a trolleybus. They operate in basically, unconsciously. One will fit on the seat So, that the other will immediately become uncomfortable. The second, on the contrary, perch only at the tip, so as not to disturb the neighbor. And finally, the third, keep loose, sit comfortably myself, without disturbing the neighbour. In all cases, the passengers do not seem to talk to each other, but the role position they occupy gives information to others about each.

The concept of E. Bern is interesting. He describes the games of life using the positions that one takes in certain situations - Parent, Child and Adult. According to E. Bern, it is advisable to single out six levels of communication: 1) “zero communication” or “closing in on oneself”; 2) rituals (norms of communication); 3) entertainment; 4) games (a person thinks one thing, but demonstrates another in order to lead the other into a trap); 5) proximity; 6) work (business communication). On the everyone from these levels, a person uses different ways and means of communication, because his goal changes every time.

We see that there are different approaches to the classification of communication levels. However, the analysis shows that all of them, as a rule, include in one form or another three main levels:

Manipulation (from rough treatment of a person of such behavior, where external manifestations sometimes even have a pleasant character);

Competition, rivalry (from communication, when “man is a wolf to man”, to such, when honest rivalry contributes to a certain movement forward);

Cooperation ("man to man - man"). At this last level, it is possible to humanize a person, that is, communication, in which humanistic attitudes and a high level of his culture are manifested.

The functions, types, levels of communication are described, giving its versatile characteristics. But most people reduce communication to a simple transmission and reception of information, that is, to its informative and communicative function, without using dialogue to organize joint activities. Or, say, a person does not learn to recognize others, during communication he uses only stereotypical ideas about them, does not know how to decipher the totality of means of communication (primarily non-verbal ones) accordingly. At the same time, a person who owns a culture of communication will quickly figure out the situation that will be imposed on her, for example, “a device from above”. She will be able to raise a further conversation with a partner to a level where the dignity and honor of both interlocutors are not belittled.

Consequently, knowledge about the characteristic features of communication for everyone whoever masters them and knows how to put them into practice will become the “rudder and sail” that will help them live with dignity and communicate effectively, moreover, grow spiritually themselves and help others in this. Such knowledge and skills will help to get rid of many complications in human relationships.

ATbackings

Communication is an important form of human existence, a condition for the life of people, a way of uniting them. It is genetically the primary basis of the culture of communication.

Communication is an interpersonal and intergroup interaction, the basis of which is the knowledge of each other and the exchange of certain results of mental activity (information, thoughts feelings, opinions, etc.).

The need for communication develops from simple forms (the need for emotional contact) to more complex ones (in cooperation, intimate personal communication, etc.).

The culture of communication is determined by a conscious and reasonable attitude to the use of all its aspects, functions and types in unity.

The highest level of moral culture of communication is characterized by humanistic orientations in interpersonal relationships and an empathic way of perceiving each other.

1. Andreeva G. M. Social psychology. - 2nd ed. - M., 1988.

2. Bern E. Games that people play: Per. from English. - M., 1988.

3. Bodalev A. A. Perception and understanding of a person by a person. - M., 1982.

4. Leontiev A. N. Activity. Consciousness. Personality. - M., 1975.

5. Leontiev A. N. Problems of the development of the psyche. - M., 1972.

6. Lysina M. Y. The problem of the ontogeny of communication. - M., 1986.

7. Loznitsa V. S. Psychology Management: Proc. allowance. - K., 1997.

8. Lomov B.F. Psychic processes and communication // Methodological and theoretical problems social psychology. - M., 1975.

9. Melibruda E. I-You-We. Psychological opportunities to improve communication: Per. from the floor - M., 1986.

10. Fundamentals of psychological knowledge: Proc. allowance / Auth.-comp. G. V. Shchekin. - K., 1996.

11. Psychology: Dictionary / Under the general. ed. A. V. Petrovsky, M. G. Yaroshevsky. - 2nd ed. - M., 1990.

12. Sukharev V. The art of recognizing people. - D., 1998.

13. Kharash A. V. Personality, consciousness and communication: to substantiate the intersubjective approach in the study of communicative influence // Psychological and pedagogical problems of communication. - M., 1979.

14. Shchekin GV Practical psychology of management: Nauch.- prakt. allowance. - K., 1994.

15. Yanoushek Ya. Problems of communication in the conditions of joint activity // Vopr. psychology. - 1982.- No. 6.

You should not grab onto the complex without mastering the simple. It is better to do the best simple exercises than bad to do complex. This increases self-esteem and gives a sense of satisfaction from the work done. The principle of the right direction - "following the arrow", that is, following correct methodology

Until you gain enough experience in Taoist psychotechniques to start experimenting, do the exercises as they are described in this book. The principle of tranquility - "true tranquility"

Do not wish for more than you have at the moment, do not push yourself, do not set records. The principle of tension - "stretched bow"

In cases where circumstances so require, it is necessary to make every effort to achieve the desired result. The principle of the "lake of joy"

Obtaining satisfaction from any activity, bordering on pleasure. To apply this principle, it is necessary to master the exercises to create a stable positive emotional background. The process of training should give no less pleasure than the result. Stimulus principle - "running away from the tiger"

The use of activities or situations in which only the right actions ensure survival. In a milder formulation, this principle means that sometimes you need to put yourself in conditions in which you will be forced to do something that you cannot do in other circumstances. For example, if you are too lazy to do physical exercises at home, sign up for an aerobics group by paying a decent amount. Then, so that the money is not wasted, you will go to the gym, and there, willy-nilly, you will have to train. The principle of "taking the big, do not miss the small"

Pay attention to all the details, do not forget about the little things. The principle of "taking small, do not miss the big"

Don't lose the big picture by focusing on the details. The principle of the "lake of surprise"

Never stop being amazed by everything around you. Surprise, especially joyful surprise, is a special and wonderful state of a child discovering the world for himself. Discovering new amazing facets of life, the child brings them into his model of the world. Sooner or later, having completed the construction of the main building of his model, he ceases to notice something new, exciting and interesting in the world, and his life becomes insipid, boring and monotonous. The feeling of falling in love is somewhat reminiscent of a child’s surprised and joyful comprehension of the world around him, but in this case it extends to the comprehension of a loved one, who becomes as exciting and beautiful as the whole world. But, in turn, having created a model of the image of the beloved and introduced it into his model of the world, a person again loses the feeling of excitement and the joy of recognition, and this loss brings him disappointment. The ability to find something new, exciting and interesting in the world around us is an integral feature of a truly happy person, bringing him a lot of positive emotions. The principle of equanimity - "water surface"

Do not be surprised at anything, even if something incredible happens. The principle of equanimity does not mean something opposite to the principle of the "lake of wonder". Its essence is that a person, trying to adapt to sudden and drastic changes in his life or to unexpected events, must remain calm so as not to lose his picture of the world and his sense of self-awareness. To develop such qualities, there is a set of exercises. In one of the next books in the Technology of Happiness series, we will talk about it. The principle of being aware of each of your actions is “radiance full moon»

One of the applications of this principle is to track the inadequate programs of your model of the world. Simply put, its meaning is to, doing something, to realize the true motives and motives of their actions.

This is far from full list general principles Shou Dao training, but that's enough to get started. As you read this list, you may have noticed that some of these principles seem to contradict each other. This observation brings us to one of the most important concepts in the teachings of the Quiet Ones - the concept of the "middle way". But first, we'll talk about how to bring deep understanding of these principles into your model of the world using awareness meditation.
INTRODUCING GENERAL TRAINING PRINCIPLES INTO THE MODEL OF THE WORLD USING Awareness Meditation

In Latin, the word "meditation" means contemplation. But the word "meditation" only partly captures the essence of what is considered meditation in Eastern religions and esoteric teachings. Meditation is a specific method of self-regulation based on the management of attention to change mental processes and is intended for a variety of purposes, ranging from simple relaxation and improving well-being, expanding the ability to control consciousness and programs of the model of the world, and ending with deep trance states in which a person reaches " enlightenment." Meditation is not so much contemplation as focusing attention on a single and unchanging object. It can be an object, a sound, a process, or an abstract concept like peace, love, kindness, strength, etc. In the process of meditation, for a certain period of time, the processing of any information entering the consciousness is stopped, with the exception of information about the object of meditation, on which attention is fully concentrated. Since the main conditions for recording programs in the human biocomputer are a strong, even short-term focus on the information that forms the basis of the program, supported by a bright emotional coloring of the event that contributes to the introduction of the corresponding program into the model of the world, some types of meditation that ensure that only a specific emotionally colored information enters the consciousness and subconsciousness. information, are intended just for introducing new necessary programs into the human biocomputer. At the initial stages of training, you are unlikely to be able to achieve necessary degree immersing in meditation in order to once and for all enter into your model of the world a program following the general principles of training or some other program that interests you. Therefore, at first, you will have to “replace quality with quantity” and do short-term and tireless awareness meditations quite regularly, especially if your training, household or professional activity strongly demand the application of any of the principles. I have already mentioned that learning the art of being happy is somewhat akin to learning a foreign language. If you just read the general principles of training outlined above and forget about them after a couple of days, it will do no more good than reading a few words in the dictionary. foreign words. If you learn them by heart, then they will be deposited in your memory as a passive vocabulary of foreign words, that is, after working hard, you will remember how they are formulated, and with extra effort, you can even apply them in the right situation. “Active Vocabulary” is the programs that are introduced into your model of the world, which are remembered and act automatically, effortlessly, in all necessary cases. In order to translate a word from the passive vocabulary into an active one, you first need to learn it well, and then use it many times as part of a variety of phrases and expressions, remembering the main cases of its use and making it so familiar that you no longer need to strain and expend effort to remember him in right moment and paste in the right place. Awareness meditation begins with relaxation, an “inner smile” and the creation of a stable positive emotional background. Then you have to move on to the process of reflection and concentration. To begin with, remember the wording of the principle you have chosen and repeat it to yourself several times, listening especially carefully to its figurative Chinese name. For example, you have chosen for meditation the principle of overcoming - "smashing sword". For strong-willed and resolute people who are not afraid of risk and making strenuous efforts, who are used to fighting to the end, overcoming all difficulties, this principle is already integral part their models of the world. For those who are not eager to fight and conquer themselves or circumstances, for those who, even in the case when it is necessary, cannot make an effort of will, it will be necessary to spend some amount of time to make awareness of the principle of overcoming part of their model of the world. Imagine as figuratively as possible what exactly the symbolism of the “smashing sword” represents. You can see the strong yet flexible steel of the blade guided by the powerful and skillful hand of the master and crushing all obstacles. The sword can stab, cut and cut. It can pierce the enemy, moving in a straight line, and can fall on him from the side, he can maneuver and lure the enemy into traps, etc. Feel the weight of the sword in your hands, try to see it with your inner eye, hear the piercing whistle with which it cuts through the air, rushing towards the goal, imagine what sensations the sword experiences when cutting through an obstacle or piercing into hot human flesh. Then you yourself must become this sword, feeling in yourself an adamant, unreasoning, purposefulness that knows no doubts and fluctuations, with which a smashing sword overcomes everything in its path. When the necessary intense emotional sensation of the symbolism of the “smashing sword” is finally formed, try to remember it not with thoughts, not with logic, but with your whole being, your body, your soul, your consciousness and subconscious. You must memorize it so well that with just one utterance of the words "cutting sword" or with its presentation, you are immediately captured by the desired image of purposefulness, inflexibility and strength. Then turn to your past or present. Think about situations in which you would have liked to apply the principle of overcoming, but due to laziness, fear, or lack of willpower, you could not use it. Let's take the most common everyday situation: the alarm clock rings early in the morning, and you have neither the desire nor the strength to get out of bed in time. As a result, you don’t have time to have breakfast, get dressed and get ready in a terrible hurry, forget your keys or wallet at home, be late for work, your boss scolds you, and your mood is completely ruined. At night, you, upset by the day that has gone down the drain, cannot fall asleep for a long time, you are tormented by past grievances and troubles. As a result, the next day you again do not find the strength to get out of bed on time, and everything starts all over again... which you have learned to identify with, call up this state with light and relaxed concentration as soon as the alarm clock wakes you up. The sword cannot be sleepy, especially since this sword is always ready for battle. Imagine your drowsiness as a cocoon of transparent silk that envelops you and prevents you from moving. Silk is not an obstacle to the sword. Imagine how you, that is, the smashing sword, are seized by an irresistible strong-willed impulse to pierce the silk cocoon of sleep and go free. And then, when you do, just get out of bed, shaking off the remnants of sleep, like shreds of silk cut with a sharp, sparkling blade. If, while doing this exercise, you use the principles of constancy, consistency and the “lake of joy”, then soon the process of getting up in the morning will become a pleasure for you, a moment in which you demonstrate to yourself your new volitional and personal qualities. Your self-esteem rises. Now you know that if you were able to overcome a small obstacle, then gradually, in accordance with the principle of "climbing the heavenly ladder from step to step," you will be able to overcome more serious obstacles. In the end, as you overcome new obstacles, you will gain confidence that you, and no one else, are the master of your destiny, and this confidence is a solid foundation for feeling satisfied and happy. In meditations on the awareness of the principle of overcoming, you can return to the past, in your imagination overcoming situations in which you previously gave in, becoming more and more self-confident and thereby introducing the awareness of this principle deeper into your model of the world, to such an extent that in cases If necessary, you will automatically follow this principle, no longer resorting to meditation to implement it. Meditations of awareness of other principles are carried out similarly.
"RIVER FLOW" AND "LAKE OF JOY"

The result of the implementation of two general principles of training: the principle of constancy - "the flow of the river" and the principle of "lake of joy" - getting pleasure from any activity, bordering on pleasure, is an invaluable quality of personality - patience. If patience has been built into your model of the world since childhood, this quality gives you an undeniable advantage in the ability to move steadily and steadily towards your goal. Only with patience and perseverance will you be able to achieve sustainable results in transforming your personality using the methods described in this book. But, unfortunately, for many people, patience is not one of their virtues. In my model of the world, this quality was also absent. Since childhood, it was easy enough for me to cope with tasks that did not require too much time. I managed to solve them with the help of ingenuity and enthusiasm, because I knew that in the foreseeable future, one way or another, I would achieve my goal. But any tasks that require long, monotonous and painstaking work annoyed me, and I usually abandoned them at the very beginning. The first time I realized the need to develop patience came to me at the age of fourteen. At the same time, I intuitively came to realize the principles of constancy and the “lake of joy”. It happened like this. My mother, a geologist by profession, took me with her for the summer on a geological expedition in search of bauxite, a raw material for aluminum production, in remote places. Eastern Siberia. There I once thoughtlessly volunteered to unravel a twenty-five-meter coil of rope, tangled almost to the point Gordian knot . Sitting on the bank of a wide, slowly rolling river, with typical enthusiasm, I grabbed a tangled skein and began to pull on the relatively loose rope loops in the hope of finding the end of the cord. In a few minutes of this senseless activity, I was finally convinced that I would not be able to instantly unravel the rope with the help of a brilliant insight, and I was surprised to understand how annoying the thought that I could be fumbling with the damned skein for about an hour. But the thing had to be done, and suddenly the realization that the need to slowly and calmly unravel the rope infuriates me became a curious, albeit unpleasant discovery for me. I didn't like my mood. It was then that I realized how much I lacked patience, and decided that it was time to work it out. I looked around, at the grayish waters of the river, at the gloomy wilds of the taiga, an endless impregnable wall surrounding me from all sides, and suddenly realized that I had nowhere to hurry. The forest and the river have remained almost unchanged for many centuries, and they will remain the same when I am no longer on earth. I had nothing to do, the taiga was not a place that offered much entertainment, and unraveling such a complex coil of rope could well be entertainment for me if I approached this issue calmly and creatively. At this point, I felt a surge of joy overwhelm me. Unraveling the rope seemed to me a pleasant and exciting thing. It was only necessary not to rush and act consistently and calmly. I found the free end and began to unravel the skein from it, carefully pulling it out of all the knots. As the skill was acquired, the free end lengthened faster and faster. In about twenty minutes the job was completed. I carefully coiled the rope with a strange feeling of love and gratitude for her, as if she were a living being who had taught me a very important lesson. Now I knew that, if desired, the most boring and meaningless work can be turned into a process that gives pleasure, if you have patience and do not get annoyed because of a situation that you cannot change. However, understanding the importance of patience did not mean that patience became part of my personality. I developed it gradually, accustoming myself to things that require a lot of time. When I started learning to knit, it seemed to me that this endless activity would never end. But as the days passed, I knitted faster and better. Knitting has become a recreation for me, a pleasant way to relax, and, in addition, somehow in the meantime I began to receive new beautiful and comfortable sweaters. Writing books, despite the fact that I always wanted to become a writer, at first seemed to me even more nightmarish activity than knitting. I would like to tap on a typewriter for a couple of evenings, and the next day to get a bestseller that smells like fresh printing ink. But, alas, life is not so simple. I wrote the first book for several months, and it seemed to me that it would never end. Then stretched months of waiting until it was published ... With each new book, writing became easier and easier. I stopped waiting for the end of the book. I just sat down at the typewriter and had fun creating text. Day after day passed, somehow imperceptibly one book ended and another began... common sense If you "do your five-year plan in three days" and expect to be happy, harmonious, and successful in life in a week or, at the very least, in a month, you won't make much progress. The main meaning of these classes is to change little by little, enjoying not only the anticipation of the result, but also the very process of classes, from the pleasant sensations that the “inner smile” gives you, the streams of orgasmic sensations or the “taste of life” meditation. First, choose the easiest and most enjoyable exercises for you to perform. And when in a month you will be surprised to note that you have become more joyful, energetic, friendly and open to communication, you yourself will want to achieve even greater success, master more complex and interesting training methods. Don't look forward to the result. Just enjoy the process and be sure that the result will not take long to please you. Perform meditations on the awareness of the principles of constancy and the "lake of joy", gradually introducing these principles into your model of the world. Meditate on the concept of "patience" by doing mindfulness meditation. Create a symbolic emotional image of what exactly patience represents to you. Try to imagine how you could draw patience on paper, what color it is, what it tastes like, what it smells like, what its shape is, what it feels like. The only thing that is important in creating the desired image is that it should have an extremely positive color for you. "Patience" should be pleasant to you. It should become your friend and faithful assistant. When doing tedious and uninteresting work, call to mind symbolic image patience, complementing it with an inner smile and flows of pleasant orgasmic sensations. Awaken your creative urges by trying to get the job done as quickly and as best as possible, but without being nervous or rushed. Then boring work will turn into an exciting and joyful process for you, and your life will become even a little better for a while.
THE MIDDLE WAY - BALANCE BETWEEN "YES" AND "NO"

The main problem of any description schemes human personality, recommendations of behavior and the choice of the optimal strategy lies in the fact that each "wise advice" works only in a certain context, and in life there are situations when you need to act in the exact opposite way. characteristic feature European thinking is the search for clear answers to their questions, the attempt to solve any problem with the help of "yes" or "no". This is precisely the reason for this huge amount internal conflicts in European models of the world. I can illustrate my words with the most typical example: from early childhood, a child brought up in Christian traditions introduces into his model of the world the attitude that he should love his neighbor and treat him with kindness and understanding. But real life in conditions of fierce competition, where the success and often the very survival and well-being of the individual depend on his ability to fight, sometimes with not the most noble methods in relation to his neighbors, makes him act differently, which gives rise to internal conflicts, remorse or a general feeling of unwell. Such internal conflicts in more serious things and in trifles are encountered at every step, causing both a feeling of anxiety and general unhappiness, as well as inconsistency in behavior in interpersonal relationships, which also do not contribute to a state of satisfaction with life. The polarity of thinking is manifested not only in internal conflicts, but also in conflicts of worldviews. The calm have learned to avoid such internal and, if possible, external conflicts by introducing into their models of the world an awareness of the ambiguity of decisions and possible answers to the questions that life puts before us. This maneuver alone helped them not only to make their model of the world flexible enough to perceive life without sharp emotional upheavals resulting from a discrepancy between the expectations recorded in the model of the world and real situations, but also to treat the worldview of the people around them with understanding and to perceive them kindly. even if their model of the world is too rigid and categorical. As an illustration, I would like to cite one of the parables of Shou-Tao, which demonstrates the ambiguity of thinking in relation to work and the validity of choosing the middle path. One day two monks met on the way and, in order to pass the time, started a conversation about work and idleness. One of them argued that in heaven only labor is respected, while the other insisted that people value laziness and idleness more. They argued, argued, and decided to turn to the first person they met, so that they could judge them and say which of them was right and which was not. They look - a peasant is walking along the road. The monks approached him and asked him to be a judge in their dispute. The peasant did not take long to persuade himself and ordered the monks to ask him questions in turn. - Do you value your work? the first monk asked the peasant. - He is dear to me, but people do not value him. My work is hard, but they pay little for it, - he answered. It was the second monk's turn to ask the question. - If you had a choice - to work or not to work, in both cases receiving the same income, which would you prefer? he asked. “I would do what any other mortal in my place would,” the peasant replied. “And if everyone were hardworking, would you want to live in such a world?” asked the first monk. - If everyone loved work, then no one would want to make it easier. No, I don't want to live in such a world, said the peasant. So the hardworking monk lost the argument. I should have asked him more questions... Folk wisdom - proverbs and sayings - also gives completely polar interpretations of the attitude to work: on the one hand - "you can't take a fish out of the pond without difficulty", and on the other hand - "work is not a wolf, it will not run away into the forest." In the model of the world of almost every person, in one form or another, there is an attitude that you need to be hardworking, that work is honorable, and being lazy and a parasite is bad and shameful. At the same time, a person’s natural desire not to strain at work, especially if the work is unpleasant for him, can give rise to an internal conflict if his material well-being leaves much to be desired or if his family depends on him and he is regularly sawed for lack of labor zeal. The internal conflict that causes remorse because he is not hardworking enough can lead to a decrease in self-esteem and a persistent feeling of unwell. But excessive hard work, even bringing a good income, is also not necessarily a source of satisfaction and can cause chronic trouble. About twelve years ago I met Masha, who, following the guidelines written in her model of the world, was a pathological workaholic. In addition to diligence, Masha was also distinguished by good organizational skills, and she earned more or less honest ways, by the measure of the average Soviet man , colossal money. Even if she worked not from morning until late at night, but four times less, the money she received would be enough for regular holidays abroad, and for a massage therapist, and for a car with a personal driver, and much more. But unfortunately, Masha's model of the world was formed in such a way that the main place in it was occupied by the need to work, and not money, not health or pleasure. Sometimes I got the impression that Masha did everything on purpose not to stop working. Almost everything she earned, she managed to lose right there. Either she arranged a colossal and insanely expensive renovation, and after a couple of months her apartment burned down, then she entered into a relationship with another man who generously spent her money on restaurants and drunken parties, and then disappeared, robbing her literally to the skin. This happened all the time. Working twelve hours a day exhausted Masha's body, but when I suggested that she go to the pool or have a massage, go to the seaside or at least out of town to relax, she brushed it off, saying that she needed to work. Even when Masha came to visit me after a hard day's work, she, on her own initiative, began to cook or, if she saw unwashed dishes in the sink, she began to wash them, despite the fact that I strongly urged her to sit down, relax and rest. At the same time, I met people who, dreaming about what they could accomplish and to what heights to rise, were actually idlers, unable to organize their existence in such a way as to somehow try to realize their dreams. This is also a distortion in the model of the world, which contributes to the fact that a person feels unhappy and dissatisfied. In this case, the problem of these people is connected not only with the inability to choose the middle path in their actions, but mainly with the inability to recognize and harmoniously satisfy their basic needs. We'll talk more about needs, but for now let's get back to the question of the middle way. From the point of view of the Quiet Ones, on the question of work, the middle way would be to avoid extremes, to work and not to work at the same time, doing only what really needs to be done, but not wasting time on unnecessary efforts; doing the necessary work as best and as quickly as possible and bringing this performance to perfection. At the same time, the followers of Shou-Dao perceived work not as an unpleasant duty, but as an exercise in self-development, extracting from it intellectual pleasure - from choosing the best solutions, emotional - as it is necessary to maintain a stable positive emotional background, and physical - because the body is strengthened and trained in the process of properly performed work. Isn't it quite an optimistic and life-affirming approach. Since our attitude to work must be recorded in our model of the world, it is preferable that the program corresponding to this point consider work as an enjoyable and self-improving exercise that improves the general standard of living and a person’s level of self-esteem than as a painful but necessary activity, which, alas, , impossible to avoid and the inevitability of which must be reconciled, as with the inevitability of old age and death. What is the middle way? This is the ability to balance opposites, to find a solution that lies between two extremes, between the two sides of the coin. It is the art of resolving internal conflicts simply by realizing that there is no conflict, because there is no need to choose between yes and no, but a compromise must be found between two seemingly contradictory statements. Here is one of the philosophical concepts of the Quiet, reflecting a deep awareness of the middle path:

There is nothing surprising in the world, since everything in the world is amazing, and therefore being surprised at one thing means losing the picture of the world as a whole and, therefore, becoming vulnerable. Only the poured calm surprise of the world around us brings pleasure to it, makes us feel its taste in a new way every day and brings knowledge about it. There are no clear answers in the world, in the world there is only a desire for something. You can't say yes, you just want it; you cannot say "no" because a negative answer is only a manifestation of your desires. If you do not believe in something, it means that you do not want to believe in it, and this does not mean at all that it does not exist. It's the same with your desire to believe. The true balance between movement and stillness is stillness. The true balance between "yes" and "no" is the Show.

This statement is not designed for logic, because logic suggests only two options - “yes” or “no” (although in mathematical theories there is also a multi-valued logic that already assumes three possible answers - “yes”, “no” and “neither yes, no, more close to the show-Taoist worldview). This is rather a paradoxical statement, close to Zen koans and aimed at creating a specific moment of awareness in a person. It really doesn't matter if you understand it or not, it should only give you an impetus to realize what the middle path is. The main thing is not how we describe the middle way. For everyone, it is individual, and, like the concept of Tao, it is impossible to accurately express in words. It is important to be able to find it for yourself in a variety of situations, the ability to apply its concept in life, and this, believe me, with a certain practice is not so difficult. So, let's sum up.