social phobia- this is the fear that arises in people who are most dependent on public opinion. As a rule, this type of fear occurs during adolescence and can be temporary and long lasting. The same phobia can turn out to be temporary or drag on for a long time, depending on the cause of its occurrence. Almost everyone in school had a fear of the blackboard. If the reason for this is unaccustomed to a new environment, then this is not for long, and if the child feels insecure not only in front of the board, because he has not learned his lessons and is afraid of punishment, then there is a clear fear public speaking and fear of being the center of attention. social phobia divided into several types.

Fear of trust

The first type is the fear of trust or, in other words, the fear of being deceived. This social phobia does not have a precise name in psychology, but can be defined as reciprocity difficulty. Some people behave easily and naturally in public, but in private, on the contrary, they are embarrassed and lost. A person does not know what tactics of behavior to choose for the reason that, on the one hand, he wants to open up, but he is afraid of being misunderstood and disappointed in his choice. People perceive each other depending on the characteristics of their character, on their memory, experience.

How to overcome fear

To overcome the fear of trusting someone, you first need to make sure that your loved one becomes the first to trust. Yes, let it be a little trick, but it does not have any insults and humiliations under it - this is a kind of opportunity to start not being afraid to speak the truth, to reveal your true character. When communicating with a loved one, it is advisable to use the following expressions: the most beautiful, the smartest, it’s so easy with you, it’s so warm with you, I don’t trust anyone like you, I want to know your opinion, I’m so grateful for your attention, for understanding, etc. .

Fear of love

Next social phobia- fear of falling in love. Love is addiction. And many fear addiction as a closed space. It seems to a person that his freedom is being limited, and he begins to suffocate, both psychologically and physically. This does not mean that a person is not able to love, just the degree of ability to love in each person is individual. Falling in love means suffering, sacrificing something, giving in.

Fear has big eyes…

So that these features of love do not seem scary. You just need to turn love into a game, into an art. The German researcher of culture Fuchs in his work Illustrated History of Morals distinguishes several types of love: love-play, sensual love, love-madness. In fact, these are the three steels of the passage of love. It all starts with flirting, which can turn into sensual attraction, which develops into an obsession with a person, the impossibility of existence, when everything seems meaningless and empty.

Fear of humiliation

Another one social phobia- Fear of being humiliated. This fear is likely to be cumulative. Having once experienced humiliation, any act may seem humiliating to a person. In addition, such a person will never ask twice. If it comes to relationships in a couple, then the fear of being humiliated is more likely to concern a man than a woman. Humiliation for a woman is not connected with social role. For a woman, it will be much more humiliating if her external data, beauty, rather than social status, are touched.

Male and female phobias

And a woman will not meet a man who does not like her and who constantly talks about her shortcomings. For a man, there is nothing worse than being humiliated, not only when his manhood is called into question in front of his beloved, but when a woman humiliates him. Suppose a man was humiliated ex girlfriend, then it will be very difficult for him to trust and build new relationships, even such a seductive moment as a hug with his feet may seem like a humiliation. Associations with uselessness and insignificance may arise.

Padding around the form

Pride and humiliation are two polar manifestations of the deep, the main reason for which lies in inadequate and unstable self-esteem. When a person cannot accept himself as he is, that is, he wants to consist of only virtues and hates himself for his shortcomings, his personality is split in two, and self-esteem becomes unstable and begins to depend not on the person himself, but on the attitude of the people around him and on the circumstances . Losing control over his own self-esteem, a person becomes extremely vain, vulnerable and painfully proud, and directs all his efforts to earn the respect of others and, at the same time, rise above them. Of course, we all have a competitive spirit to some extent, and none of us wants to be worse than others. But it should be borne in mind that the motivation for success is different. A healthy motivation for success is based on self-respect and a natural desire to unlock the potential of one's own personality. And the pathological motivation for success comes from the desire to amuse one's self-esteem, proving to others one's superiority over them. Let's explain with an example: a talented artist with normal self-esteem draws pictures because the very process of drawing gives him moral and aesthetic pleasure, and an artist who is guided by vanity and pride paints because he wants to become famous and prove to everyone in the world his unsurpassedness and genius. The first artist will be happy just because he is doing what he loves, and the second artist will be able to feel happy only if he reaches world fame and falls into the category of the elite. Feel the difference?
In a word, vanity and pride deprive a person of peace of mind, make him envious and always dissatisfied with everything, lead to moral and spiritual degradation, and, in the end, turn into their reverse side - humiliation and insignificance. It can be said that a vain insignificance is a humiliated proud man.

Vain nothingness
Vanity is a painful desire for superiority over others. The reverse side of vanity is self-humiliation, when a person tramples and hates himself for his shortcomings. A vain person is his own enemy, since he does not forgive himself for weakness, mistakes, or defeats.
We are all imperfect, and therefore we can show moral and physical weakness, we can need help, sympathy and support, and there is no reason to be ashamed of this. But pride and vanity do not allow a person to expose his weaknesses to others. The proud man, no matter how deplorable his affairs were in reality, by any means will strive to maintain his reputation and for the sake of this he will do anything - he will lie, brag, play up and splurge. If only no one suspected that his affairs were not as brilliant as we would like. Least of all, the proud man wants to be pitied, and therefore the one who begins to sympathize with him will receive from him not gratitude, but hatred and contempt. Perhaps that is why proud and conceited people are often cruel and incapable of sympathy. They will gladly kick the fallen and rise against his background, instead of providing help and assistance. Whereas a truly strong and worthy person will never humiliate or offend those who are weaker.

All of us periodically have to deal with situations when they try to humiliate and insult us. And here everything depends on us, on our reaction to what is happening. Moreover, our emotional reaction is even more important than the external one. If at the moment when we were humiliated, our soul was filled with anger and despair, we lost, even if we managed to keep a mask of indifference on our faces. A person who, in any situation, retains external dignity and inner peace, simply cannot be humiliated. No one can humiliate us until we humiliate ourselves! And we humiliate ourselves with cowardice, flattering, servility, envy, jealousy, hatred, resentment.

Pride and vanity slowly but inexorably lead a person to moral and spiritual degradation. In an effort to satisfy insatiable vanity, we ourselves do not notice how we are losing our best human qualities - kindness, compassion, loyalty, optimism, goodwill. We become petty touchy, malevolent, vindictive, boastful, envious and ready to do anything just to feel better than others even for a moment.
Schadenfreude is one of the most disgusting manifestations of pride and vanity. Rejoicing in the pain of others and enjoying the failures and defeats of other people, the proud man, in fact, becomes a real “energy vampire”.
Quite often, on the basis of pride and vanity, real psychological and behavioral deviations develop. One of these deviations is the so-called demonstrative psychosis, which is expressed in a painful desire at any cost to attract the attention of others. At the same time, a person suffering from demonstrative psychosis can use the most destructive methods to attract everyone's attention - scandal, fight, behave rudely and vulgarly, hysteria, threaten suicide.

Experienced humiliations never pass without a trace, they always leave a deep imprint in our soul. When a morally weak person with low self-esteem is humiliated for a long time, he can break down and live with psychological trauma for the rest of his life. The resulting psychological trauma has its negative impact both on the character of a person and on his behavior. Painful shyness, timidity, indecision, passivity, isolation, anger, distrust, pessimism - all these character traits can be acquired consequences of a psychotrauma resulting from humiliation. Moreover, than in more early age a person is humiliated, the worse are the consequences. An adult, if he had a normal childhood and youth, as a rule, has a more or less stable self-esteem, and therefore can quickly recover from the humiliation he has suffered. If a child is subjected to humiliation for a long time, then this is an almost one hundred percent guarantee that in adulthood he will have problems with socialization and is unlikely to achieve any outstanding success in life.

A person whose self-esteem has been undermined as a result of suffering humiliation becomes extremely sensitive and vulnerable. Such a person is very easy to hurt and offend, since he takes everything personally and even in the most harmless words spoken by others in his address, he can hear mockery and mockery. A humiliated person perceives any of his failures too painfully and inflates to incredible proportions, with rapture indulging in self-abasement and self-flagellation.
Wounded pride forces a humiliated person to prove to himself all the time that he is no worse than the rest. And therefore, he often becomes painfully boastful, and sometimes resorts to the most outright lies, just to put himself in front of others in the most favorable light. Even objective criticism addressed to him is perceived by such a person as completely inadequate and causes a violent negative reaction.

It is very difficult to get rid of the consequences of a psychotrauma received on the basis of humiliation. As you know, all acute negative experiences are forced out into the subconscious, and then have an imperceptible, but extremely destructive effect on our character and destiny. Therefore, even for ourselves it is sometimes difficult to trace where our fears, phobias, complexes and neuroses come from.
One of the ways to heal from a psychotrauma is to identify and then devalue the experienced traumatic situation. That is, a person (with the help of a psychologist or on his own) must remember and relive unpleasant life moments, but at the same time try to look at them with completely different eyes - calmly, without emotions and without excessive dramatization. (There is a clear contradiction with the article "The Education of a Warrior".)

Low self-esteem is our Achilles' heel, making us defenseless against the outside world. If we have low self-esteem We are very easy to humiliate and offend. Unfortunately, not everyone understands that it is necessary to protect yourself from humiliation and insults not so much externally as internally. Not with the help of fists and swear words, but with the help of calmness, self-respect and humor.
The more proud and vain a person is, the easier it is to humiliate him. Any click on pride makes the proud man experience indescribable mental anguish and suffering, from which neither self-aggrandizement nor a mask of arrogance and indifference can save. And the thing is that any proud person, paradoxically, is extremely dependent on public opinion and on the attitude of the surrounding people. Depicting complacency and indifference to public opinion, the proud man actually carefully listens to everything that is said about him, longs for praise, fears censure, and does everything in order not to drop himself in the eyes of others. And the one who allows other people to influence his self-esteem, thereby humiliates himself and prepares the ground for his real humiliation in the future. So, as we see, from pride to humiliation - one step.

The love of a vain nothingness
A person who is used to rushing from pride to insignificance always has problems building personal relationships, because he is as devoid of integrity as his personality. The peculiarities of the behavior of a conceited insignificance in love largely depend on what prevails in him at the moment of falling in love - a sense of his own greatness or a feeling of his own insignificance.

One pole of love of conceited nothingness is humiliation and admiration for the object of love. As a rule, a person who has low self-esteem and feels worthless, in a love relationship behaves humiliated and dependent - humiliates himself in front of a partner, pleases, fawns, arranges scenes of jealousy, threatens to commit suicide in case of separation. And what is most interesting: such a person seems to get some kind of masochistic pleasure from his humiliation - the worse the partner treats him, the more he falls in love with him. Most likely, this is due to the subconscious desire of a humiliated person to project onto a partner all his humiliations, in order to hate him later for them. They usually say about such relationships: “From love to hate is one step.”

The second pole of love of vain insignificance is the humiliation of the partner and the rise above him. If a person at the time of establishing a relationship is dominated by pride and inflated self-esteem, he, as a rule, is inclined to humiliate and subjugate his partner in order to exalt and assert himself even more at his expense. By the way, insignificance (by insignificance is meant a person who humiliates himself) and arrogant people often form very strong and stable couples in which the arrogant humiliates the insignificance all the time, and the insignificance allows himself to be humiliated. This once again confirms the correctness of the statement that like is drawn to like. Such relationships cannot be called healthy in any way, therefore a self-respecting person with normal self-esteem will never become a member of such an “union”.

The vanity of civilization
Unfortunately, our entire civilization is saturated with ideas and assertions that provide food for the splitting of personality and for the formation of vain insignificance.
Since childhood, we have been accustomed to admiring the proud and invincible heroes of fairy tales and films who amuse their vanity by humiliating and crushing all their enemies and rivals. The objects of our sympathy have always been only those heroes who could be called "the most-most" - the most beautiful, the smartest, the most daring, the most dexterous, the most resourceful, and so on. Our boys admire the strong and invincible Terminator and Rimbaud, and the girls want to look like a perfectly beautiful Barbie. That's when we get our first complexes - when in childhood we fail to resemble our favorite fictional characters!

A good example of what painful vanity can bring is Pushkin's fairy tale "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs". The envious queen could not survive that her stepdaughter turned out to be more beautiful than her, and at first she decided to condemn the unfortunate woman to starvation in the forest, and then tried to poison her.
The fairy tale "Humpbacked Horse" is the dream of any conceited and proud lazy person. It turns out that in order to get rich, achieve honors and marry a princess, you don’t need to work hard from morning to evening, but just make friends with the Little Humpbacked Horse and make him work for himself.
The fairy tale "Cinderella" is able to inflame the conceited dreams of any representative of the weaker sex. What girl from a poor (and not very poor) family would refuse to marry crown prince if all that is needed for this is to show off beauty and outfits at a ball party once?
The popularity of the beautiful Barbie has not decreased for how many years. It seems to naive girls that it is enough to have a slender figure, a doll face and a mop of golden hair to conquer the world and marry an oligarch. So the naive representatives of the weaker sex torture themselves with diets and plastic surgeries.
But even when we seem to stop chasing material goods and strive for spiritual and moral perfection, even here we are not immune from pride and vanity! Not everyone is given the opportunity to reach the heights of wisdom and spirituality and not become proud. If we begin to feel smarter, cleaner, kinder and more perfect than other people, then we again fall into the abyss of pride.

Vanity and humiliation
To survive the experience of humiliation of one's own pride for a strong and harmonious personality is not fatal. If initially our self-esteem is high enough, then all the humiliations and defeats we have experienced harden us and make us even stronger. If our self-esteem is undermined wrong upbringing If we don’t love and respect ourselves, then even minimal humiliation can break us and, figuratively speaking, smear us on the wall.

We are especially sensitive and vulnerable when we are young. Therefore, the first successes in life and the first experienced failures remain in our memory for a long time. Over the years, we all become wiser and learn not to take both victory and defeat to heart. We learn a simple truth: there is nothing permanent in the world, and life is like a zebra - sometimes a white stripe, sometimes a black one. Having suffered several painful defeats, we acquire an armor of indifference and indifference, which helps us soften the blows of fate. Having matured, we already know our own worth, we evaluate ourselves more or less objectively, and therefore we do not buy into compliments and calmly react to other people's criticism. This is how we gradually become mature individuals.
Let's give a common example of their life: the boss constantly humiliates the subordinate, takes out his anger on him, threatens with dismissal for every wrongdoing. What should a subordinate do in such a situation so as not to go off the rails? There are three options. The first option: write a letter of resignation, and then find worst job and an even worse boss. The second option: outwardly pretend that everything is fine, but in your heart hate your boss and wish him to fail, and after some time earn a stroke or heart attack on nervous ground. And the third option: to treat the situation philosophically, they say, everyone has evil bosses, and at the moment when the boss is throwing thunder and lightning, think about something pleasant, for example, about the upcoming love date. What do you think is the most correct approach to the situation and speaks of high self-esteem?

And so in any situation: the most important thing is not what is happening, but our subjective reaction to what is happening. As you know, a glass can be half empty or half full. It all depends on whether our thinking is positive or negative. If positive, then we can see the good side in any situation, and this will help us turn it in our favor. If our thinking is negative, then because of our pessimism, we are sure to miss even the most brilliant chances.
When we are vilified and humiliated, we should be indifferent to what happens in the head of someone who allows himself to behave like this with us. We must carefully monitor our own reaction to what is happening and not allow ourselves to become discouraged or depressed because someone, you see, did not like us. If a person is rude and boorish, then this is his problem, not ours! We need to remember once and for all: if we do not humiliate ourselves with bad thoughts addressed to us and self-doubts, then no one under any circumstances will be able to humiliate us. A person can humiliate us only in one case - if by his attitude towards us he manages to lower our self-esteem!

To secure ourselves forever from humiliation, we must develop the right conditioned reflex to any rudeness and biased criticism in his address - complete, sincere indifference. No wonder they say: "Habit is second nature." When we ourselves constantly scold ourselves for something, when we are always dissatisfied with ourselves, when we fawn and servility to others, when we go out of our way to earn someone's sympathy - by this we humiliate ourselves and acquire the habit of humiliation. And then we are surprised that we cannot behave correctly and with dignity in acute conflict situations. Self-respect is not given to anyone just like that, it must be developed and nurtured in oneself.
The best defense against humiliation is high self-esteem. And high self-esteem is directly related to self-esteem. It is good if parents taught the child to love and respect themselves from childhood. What if they haven't been taught? It's never too late to turn yourself around and learn self-respect. But it won't be easy or fast. The main thing is to work on yourself and not turning off to go to right direction- and then the first positive results will not be long in coming!

Conscious humiliation
Some people tend to put themselves down. They consciously choose the tactics of self-humiliation when building relationships in the family and at work. This refers to purely external humiliation, which is not necessarily accompanied by internal humiliation (lowering self-esteem). Perhaps in this way these people try to avoid conflicts with others, or maybe they consider such behavior a sign of good upbringing.
Sometimes conscious self-humiliation is a kind of extreme or a challenge to society. When a person demonstrates that he does not care how he looks from the outside, and what other people think of him. For example, we can cite the phenomenon when a teenager from a decent and rich family runs away from home, joins a company of homeless children and wanders with him, climbs through garbage heaps, eats leftovers ...

Very clearly conscious self-humiliation is manifested in love relationships. There are people, and there are many of them, who get acute moral and physical pleasure when a partner humiliates them, treats them rudely. This is the so-called "sado-maso" relationship. Moreover, such games are often played by quite successful people who have high self-esteem and high social status. The thing is that if a person is prone to sadism (dominance), then he is prone to mazahism (humiliation), these are two sides of the same coin.

Very often, subordinates openly grovel and humiliate themselves in front of their superiors. But not because they feel the superiority of the boss, but because in this way they want to climb the career ladder. And to achieve the goal, as you know, what you just can’t do ...
Sometimes self-humiliation is a cunning manipulation in order to arouse pity and receive some kind of benefits or privileges for it. For example, one of the family members may well play the role of weak and infirm in order to dump boring household duties on others.
Only in one case can self-humiliation be worthy of praise - when a person consciously refuses the blessings of life in order to defeat his own pride and vanity. But we know few such examples ...

In most cases, conscious self-humiliation is a recognition of one's own weakness and insignificance, it is a fear of responsibility and a desire to protect oneself from the slightest life problems. If a person is ready to humiliate himself just for the sake of not leaving his usual comfort zone, you can only feel sorry for him. No matter how “good” reasons self-humiliation is caused, it always remains self-humiliation and will certainly increase the internal split in a person, affecting his self-esteem in the most deplorable way.

In order to prevent a split in one's own personality and acquire inner integrity, one must fight both one's own pride and self-humiliation. And in order to take the first decisive steps towards healing yourself from the diseases of pride, vanity and self-humiliation, you need to understand that no blessings of life are worth humiliating your human dignity and losing yourself for their sake!

To realize one's own internal split is already a huge achievement, which suggests that not everything is lost yet. When the internal split of a person reaches enormous proportions, then pride gains complete power over the personality of a person and over his mind, and the person ceases to realize that something is wrong with him. The one who considers himself ideal, who is convinced that he has nothing to work on, is overshadowed by pride common sense.

Our strength is not in external insignia, not in glory, not in money and not in advantages over others. Any prerogatives we achieve during outside world, temporary. Our strength is in our inner self-respect, in high self-esteem, in the integrity of our soul - all this allows us to live in harmony with ourselves and with the world around us. And if we achieve this, then no one will ever take our strength from us! Padding around the form

Humiliation is one of the experiences we try to avoid. This is quite understandable. To be humiliated or to do something humiliating means to come into contact with something that lowers our human dignity, lowers self-respect and, in extreme cases, throws a person to the very social bottom. No wonder all sorts of despotic kings / rulers / directors who are kept in power at the expense of

manifestations of dissidents, very often they try not only to “neutralize” their victims, but also to humiliate them - both in their own eyes and in the eyes of those around them. In the criminal environment, the extreme degree of humiliation is to be “lowered”, there is no lower status in the hierarchy of prisons. The purpose of the insults that people often throw in real and virtual life is to humiliate, that is, to show that the one I insult is worse, lower than me. And on the opposite pole from humiliation is arrogance - also an experience rejected by many people and the behavior associated with it. In general, a very unpleasant series is built around humiliation - insult, contempt, rejection, disgust, arrogance ...

And therefore, it may be rather strange to say that the experience of humiliation is often an integral part of the true development of a person, without which progress is often extremely problematic. Of course, I do not propose to humiliate people, but I want to reflect on this statement of mine.

What is the essence of humiliation - actions and experiences, closely associated with a sense of shame? I think it is best expressed by the following phrase, addressed to himself: “I am not as good as I believed and felt” (and if someone humiliates us, he tells us: “you are not as good as yourself you imagine yourself" - and we believe). Not "so good" in general or in some particular areas of life. We all have multiple images of ourselves. There is an “ideal self” that we aspire to, which can feel like an unattainable model - or as a simple guide in our lives, against which we compare our actions and decisions. There is a "real me" - what we "really" are. “Really” is not in objective reality, of course, but how we feel now. And most of us, consciously or unconsciously, feel like, albeit relatively, but still good people. Self-esteem, the ability to see one's worth, self-respect is based on this “in general, I am good”. The somewhat old-fashioned - but no less relevant - word "honor" is also based on the perception of oneself as "generally good." The basis of honor is, as I understand it, conformity personal qualities and behavior of a person to a model that is accepted by him or society as worthy. This is the right to evaluate oneself and one's existence in the category of self-respect. Honor determines whether a person has acceptable and unacceptable words and actions for him, and the commission of the latter drops a person in his own eyes.

Our numerous self-justifications are also based on the experience “I am the current one - generally good” when we do something or do something to us that clearly violates what we ourselves consider acceptable. For example, they force us to lie where we don’t want to lie, or under the threat of being fired to do something that “seems to be” unacceptable for us… us from unbearable shame.

It is important to distinguish between humiliation as an intentional action towards another person and humiliation as an action performed within ourselves (I am mainly writing about internal action here). For example, two hockey teams play, and one mercilessly defeated the other. Did she humiliate her opponent by the very fact of a crushing victory? No, but the losers may feel humiliated: "we felt worthy to fight them, but they showed us our place...". And the winners can sympathize with the vanquished, or they can offend. The very fact of their victory is not a humiliation.

So, humiliation is not just the discovery that your actions (thoughts, feelings, qualities, skills, abilities ...) completely contradict the image of a “good real self”, but the destruction of this “I” (or, more often, part of it) . This is the experience of falling from the pedestal on which he himself raised himself. Often humiliation occurs during studies and in the professional field. For example, you consider yourself an excellent professional in your field - and then you are sent to study at some center, and you find, firstly, professionals are much better than themselves, and there are many of them, and they are not unique. And you realize that what you were proud of and what you considered the pinnacle of your skill is only the first step, the initial level. And, worst of all, those around you also noticed that you are .. well ... not very compared to them. No, they did not scoff, did not laugh - but they saw ... And how will you react?

Or, for example, I consider myself a smart and critical person - and then I suddenly discover that in an important issue for me I am not only wrong, but I made a number of frankly stupid assumptions or mistakes that are typical just for those whom I considered worse than myself . How will I react? I’ll say right away “yes, I’m wrong, I made a mistake here ...” - or will I first try to avoid humiliation, find an excuse for myself and try to jump back onto the pedestal of “always a smart and critical person”, from which I just flew off?

Entire nations do not cope well with humiliation. Those defeated in wars and confrontations hardly admit “it seems that we are not so good, since we lost” - they often begin to talk about “fifth columns”, traitors, deceit of enemies, and so on. The national humiliation of the Germans in the First World War raised the Nazis, who suggested that the Germans rush to the other extreme - racist arrogance: "you are worse than us." The humiliation after the collapse of the USSR is also difficult for the post-Soviet countries, and this applies not only to Russia.

To experience humiliation requires more than an inner feeling that "I'm not as good as I believed." You can feel lower only in comparison with someone. For example, you imagine for a long time that you are better than other people in something, and then something happens - and you realize that you are the same or even worse. That you lie just like "they"; that you drink vodka in the same quantities and with the same consequences as the "last wino".

Additional shades of humiliation are added by other people's disappointment in us. "We thought you were like that, but you..." Notes of guilt pour into the experience: “you hoped for me, but I ... let me down, deceived.” But other people's disappointment in us becomes almost unbearable when we have been fascinated by ourselves.

In general, this is the source of our humiliation, in my opinion - fascination with oneself

When instead of a pumpkin (perhaps even a very good and beautiful one) you see a carriage. And disappointment in yourself is a necessary step in order to return to reality.

Return to real world in which you do not stand on a shaky foundation, but rest your feet on the wide earth - one of the possible consequences of humiliation. The higher the pedestal, the stronger the fascination with oneself - the more painful it is to fall and the more unsightly the picture is when the veil falls from the eyes. According to one alcoholic, he realized the depth of his degradation when he saw in the eyes of his school friend whom I had not seen for many years, disgust. And then the sad prince-philosopher, experiencing the imperfection of this world, turned into a foul-smelling alcoholic who drank away all the furniture, lost his wife and job. The real sobering.

True, moments of sobriety can be very brief. Often people go to one of the extremes.

1) Return charm. To do this, there is a rich arsenal of defenses aimed at implementing the slogan "I am a prince, they just let me down and smeared with mud." We didn't lose, we were betrayed. It's not me who is incompetent in certain matters, it's the critic who envy me. I am a psychotherapist/coach/teacher-universal, and the fact that it is not possible to work with some clients is that the clients/students are unprepared, mediocre and without motivation. We are losing in not because it is degrading under our leadership, but because the wrong players were taken, so if Kozlov and Gigantov were taken instead of Baranov and Bolshoy, that would be the case! :)).

It is possible to declare an environment in which we constantly encounter internal humiliation as “uncomfortable, not suitable for me” - and go where it is easier. Of course, we are not talking about an environment where other people really try to humiliate and expose us - we need to leave such an environment. But, by the way, to start strenuously humiliating others, to fall into arrogance - this is also a way to be fascinated by yourself again. An arrogant person takes on a status higher than which there is no higher - the status of a judge. "I'm better than you, don't come near me."

2) The second extreme is to humiliate yourself even more. Arrogance brought down on himself. The monument to a good self looks at us lying at its foot, and repeats with an unpleasant grimace: you failed, you are not me, move away from my pedestal, do not stain my pedestal with your snot! I regularly observe the most striking examples of reeling from arrogance to self-deprecation among our sports fans, who, at the moments of victory, shout this tired mouth “we are the best !!! we will tear everyone apart!!!”, and in moments of defeat - “we are days-and-and-we, everything is bad!”. From a session of self-aggrandizement to a session of self-exposure and self-flagellation.

There is a third option, and it is not entirely about the "golden mean". Having fallen and hit hard, you can get up and start looking around: where did I end up? Yes, I feel humiliation, and it is very painful, there, bruises ache from the blow or even a fracture in the soul. But what is this height from which I fell? How did I get there, on this tall pedestal? What were you fascinated by? And what is around me now?

Are there people I can go to for support even in this state? Who will not turn up their nose “fu, what are you really like”, but will accept - and will not sing sweet songs that you are beautiful, but will look at the wounds with sympathy and help heal them? Will they talk about their scars or even show them - and share their experience? And will you be able to hear them, or will you want to escape into an arrogant "I don't need your help!"?

And then to training. Yes, they can try to humiliate us completely undeservedly. The boss can be arrogant. It can be humiliating to go to learn from those who have surpassed you, and whom you considered your equal (or even lower). It is humiliating to admit that he was engaged in self-deception. It is humiliating to find that the time of your triumph has passed, and that the gilding has already peeled off, and the laurels have withered. All this is definitely painful, and you can try to ease this pain, to distract yourself from it. And you can take this pain into service, listen to it, dispel the fascination with yourself - and use the energy that it gives to learn how to do something in reality. It is even better, of course, not to be fascinated, but to know what is my strength and what is my weakness. But the ability to get up after a failure, say to yourself “yes, I was bad here,” and go to work on mistakes without self-abasement is definitely not a weakness. Moreover, people see and appreciate such a reaction, because, in my opinion, this is one of the highest manifestations of human dignity. And the one who does not see and strives to hit the fallen one himself, most likely, is unable to cope with his horror of humiliation.

Hello! I am not writing to you about love, a man or a love relationship, but I am writing about myself, help me figure it out and what to do next? Please ... I have experienced a lot in my life, I was with my husband for an alcoholic who mercilessly scoffed, divorced. Alone with my mother we are raising a son. I took care of my grandmother when she died, constantly supported her mother morally, her health, never left anyone in trouble. I am cultured, vulnerable, I wrote poetry and stories from childhood, even worked in a newspaper. And when she raised her son, she had to work as a nanny, a housekeeper. She suffered a lot of humiliation from the "gentlemen" of rich spoiled ladies who were worth nothing without husbands. For many years she suffered to somehow raise her son. which take a long time to describe, I had a breakdown in my soul. So I quit all these jobs and want to go out by profession to work in a cafe or in another food production, but an incomprehensible fear fetters me. I am afraid of bullying and humiliation in the usual team. At work as a nanny, as a housekeeper, I used to "swallow" resentment, silently endure everything. And now I'm so afraid that I can't go to work. Even when I go to an interview and successfully pass it (I'm hired everywhere) I don't dare - I'm afraid!!! By the night I just have some kind of neurosis, I gnaw at myself for not working, we are almost completely without money. ... I myself suffer and don’t know what to do! Why is it so? What is it? I’m also studying (I’m continuing what I didn’t get before). Some kind of fear of society, to work alone! I’m ready to work, but there are teams everywhere! I really blame myself! but the word work is killing me. Fear covers everything! I experience such intense stress when I am going to get a job, then I am tormented by pressure and a severe headache. I scold myself constantly, I persuade. And if I do go to work, I’m afraid to immediately run away from there at the slightest difficulty, it feels like this_ Lizhby to be a free soul, don’t care about money and everything !!! I just beg you to explain to me , dear experts, what should I do? How to overcome myself! I hate myself for this fear! Thank you very much, I will wait for an answer!

Expert answers:

Answers: Sklifosofskiy

Dear Tatyana, I recommend that you contact the neurosis clinic in Moscow (if you are a Muscovite). If not, then you can contact the psycho-neurological dispensary at the place of residence for free. You need to see a psychotherapist. You have a pronounced nervous breakdown, you need the help of a specialist. There is hardly anything that you can do on your own to successfully resolve the situation.

User comments:

Drakonda, 30

Tatyana, do not be offended by Sklifosovsky, the consultants are really trying to help, and not just tell you something soothing that you would like to hear. Your problem is really serious, and professional help would be the best help right now.

Drakonda, 30

If you do not want professional help at all, then try to "work out" all the situations yourself. Get a notebook, 96 sheets. Write down in it all the verbal attacks that have happened to you, and those answers, how would you like to respond to the offenders. Then choose answers from them that do not aggravate (would not lead to serious bodily injuries over you in the future), but nevertheless, so that you can defend the boundaries of your own dignity. Then find someone with whom you could play all these dialogues live so many times until you master new skills for yourself. social behavior(in the worst case, rehearse at least with a mirror). Good luck!

Drakonda, 30

More tips. Get your body in great athletic shape. Buy dumbbells, or exercise with what you have: heavy pans and irons. No, not to beat opponents. But the very fact that, if you are potentially capable of this, can hypnotize potential aggressors before they dare to say anything. Ideally, you should enroll and unlearn some martial arts courses, exactly where not only the body is paid attention, but also military philosophy is taught.
Search the Internet, download and read Théun Mahrez's The Way of the Warrior.

Humiliation is a serious blow to a person's well-being and self-esteem. Are you tired of enduring bad attitudes at work or in the family? Can you say about yourself "I'm being humiliated"? Many of us succumb to such manipulation, but if you are serious about stopping it, you need to start acting decisively. How to stop being humiliated and raise self-respect for yourself? A few tips from a psychologist will help you with this.

Many have faced in their lives the problem of humiliation of misunderstanding on the part of others. Basically, this phenomenon is common in the children's team. Sometimes it is reflected in adulthood.

First of all, it must be remembered that insults are not informational in nature. You are not really what they want you to be. When you are humiliated, they just want to convey aggressive bad energy to you and provide you with a bad mood.

Let us examine in more detail the question: what to do if you are humiliated. First of all, remember that the goal of the aggressor is to knock the ground out from under your feet, to put you in a state of confusion, to anger, to violate the integrity of your mental state.

Do not succumb to provocation, do not show that you are tired of it. In no case should you cry in front of the offender, become hysterical and “psycho”. By showing such signs, you will let the abuser know that he was able to achieve his goal.

Do some introspection

Write down on paper a list of your positive and negative qualities. It is advisable to replenish the list regularly as they appear. Consider each item (especially negative traits) and observe in what situations they are expressed. What's stopping you from getting rid of them? What provokes?

You can also ask relatives and friends to analyze your behavior. Let them point out the features that need to be corrected. Now, understanding what is the main problem, it will be easier to deal with it. Weakness, shyness, fear of communication and even kindness are the reasons that you are humiliated.

Understand yourself whether such a game suits you or not, and then you can draw conclusions on what to do if you are humiliated. You can always find a way out. You just need to watch the offender a little, find his weak points. Let's look at a few ways to get out of conflict situation: the most correct thing would be to leave, citing urgent matters.

At the same time, do not forget to give a business look to your facial expression and hide resentment. If you succumb to a provocation and, in response, also begin to humiliate the offender, then you are a loser and you have been hooked to the quick.

Get out of the conflict situation calmly, with a proud independent look. It is best to say that you will answer all your questions tomorrow. Return to the conversation when the person starts talking to you without threats and humiliation.

How to stop being humiliated

If ignoring does not help and if you are humiliated, bullying continues, calmly tell the person that you will contact the police. Do not explain anything, do not threaten in response, just say that there is someone to stand up for you.

In situations where you are humiliated and this seriously interferes with your life, it makes sense to really turn to someone who can stand up for you - parents, older brothers or sisters, management, the police. As the famous character Gosha from the film "Moscow Does Not Believe in Tears" said, such people should know that for every force there is another force.

You should not immediately refuse professional help from a psychologist if you are constantly humiliated. People prefer not to waste time and money on psychologists, but in vain. After all, success in life for the most part depends on the psychological attitude and the ability to manage your bad traits. Trainings are good way find friends in misfortune. In addition, they are completely anonymous.

Noticing that improvements have come, you are no longer humiliated, do not rush to relax. If you slow down - the effect is reduced to zero. Therefore, never stop, work and work on yourself again. By humiliating yourself once, you give rise to a second, and so on. It is better to develop immunity to humiliation from the very beginning.

Improve internally, but do not forget about your appearance, because modernity makes you meet exactly according to it. Don't be afraid to change. A beautiful stylish hairstyle and clothes can make you a completely different person, confident in yourself and your abilities.

Keep in mind that you are not the only one with this problem! Have you seen how your colleague is being humiliated? It is necessary in a non-rude form to inform him about this. Talk to him about what you've been through. It is in this way that it will be possible to gain the trust of a person, soon he will begin to listen to your recommendations.

Do not forget to be proud of yourself for all the results you have achieved. No matter what area you improve in, never stop!

Husband insults and humiliates - what to do

"Hello! I need your help. I am humiliated by my husband and it seems to me that I am starting to go crazy from living in constant fear. The problem is this. We met with him for six months, got married, but then broke up.

The reason for the breakdown of our relationship is that he wanted to lay me under his friends. I stopped in time, not allowing myself to be humiliated like that. This person is not indifferent to me, but I am not able to forgive such a thing. Plus, I know he doesn't need me.

But he won't leave me alone. He handed out my number to everyone he knew with the mark "girl of easy virtue", made a montage of my photos and posted them on a porn site and a dating site.

He calls me every day and follows me, no matter how much I change phone numbers. I'm so scared. Please advise what to do next. Thanks in advance. Olga Borisova.

Psychologist Elena Poryvaeva answers

Of course, you are in a very unpleasant situation - it seems close person, but it hurts so much ... It was a relationship where you were humiliated. And you write that you broke up six months ago.

But let me assume that your relationship is still going on. In the sense that they continue to humiliate you, but you endure it. What for? Living in constant fear - how much of this in your life (family, work, communication)?

Usually psychologists do not give advice, leaving the right of choice to the person. I'm breaking this tradition. If I were you, I would try to take care of myself. First, I would give him a warning.

If this does not help, then she would contact the police - his actions are punishable. Know that you have every right (moral, civil, etc.) to defend yourself, your privacy, boundaries, dignity. The only question is why you don't use it.