Again about the brain tricks of the teachers of our school. One boy was unfortunate enough to be the victim of bullying. No, it is not his classmates who spread rot, but the teacher of the year. It's terrible, but our son almost got to this teacher.
Artyom is “new”, he came to our school in the second grade. Sportsman, champion, wrestling with our son, so we got to know his family closely. He is the oldest brother in the family, the average is 5 years old, and the youngest was born three months ago. I know this guy, I talked with him, watched him in children's groups, good child. Kind, sociable, not evil, not aggressive. I'm talking about him already! The coach is also very pleased with them.
The teacher immediately from the threshold: “Wrestler?! Raise a bandit??? All the bunnies in my class!” And away we go… It clings and clings. A hooligan, angry, attacks children...
The guy climbs out of his skin so that everything is fine, he participates in all competitions, performs extracurricular tasks, does homework with his mother until one in the morning.
Pearls in a puddle:
One such boy like you brought his mother to me, and now she lies in the ground ...
You need to order him more often! Punish every weekend!
Can't study? Get out of the fight!
- Where? To the entrance?!
- I'm not interested. I am for school curriculum I answer.
I referred him to the school psychologist. And that, without understanding, to a psychiatrist, period. Mom called psychiatry to make an appointment. She was asked about the essence of the issue, she told. From the receiver they answered that this is the competence of a school psychologist:
- You understand that as soon as you come to us, it will be a stigma for life! You won't pass any commission. Sportsman? Cross on sports! Don't even bother showing up. They bring wild, schizophrenics to us, and your child has only a couple of comments on behavior ... - in general, an adequate interlocutor has come across.
Once he rode with us in the car. We ask how you're doing.
- BUT! The guys announced a boycott to me! .. And what do I care!
I listen and think. Boycott is not a sophomore lexicon. From somewhere in the adult world this word came from. What kind of kids would boycott a wrestling champion and shirt guy? Whose submission is this?
Studying for 4-5. And only for the behavior of one deuce, the teacher every day filthy diary. "He spun, interfered, hooliganed."
In short, as I understand the situation, the teacher breaks the child on the knee so that he is like everyone else.
Meeting. In front of the whole class, the teacher poured a barrel of bile on the unfortunate man. Not stingy. The mother has lost breast milk for the youngest. Nerves-nerves-nerves, fainted at home.
My dad and I went to resolve the issue, pressed the teacher against the wall, what, they say, claims, why are you dirtying the diary, why are you bullying.
- No, no, what are you! This was not!!! - the teacher turned on the reverse gear - There are no complaints, she studies well, only at recess there is this, that ... - she launched the "fool".
Now mom and dad are thinking about moving to another school, but what to do?
Director, like
How does bullying occur at school, what happens to children who are exposed to it, how should parents and teachers act, and can a child be taught to resist peer attacks? We are trying to find answers to these questions together with professional psychologists.
Human babies are not born with a built-in code of ethics: they have yet to be raised by humans. And the children's team is still a flock of cubs: if adults do not interfere, biology reigns in it. Children, as if with an animal scent, smell those who are not like them, and expel them from the pack. A domestic child, leaving the predictable world of adults, where there are clear and precise rules, enters the wild world of unpredictable peers. And he can face anything in it: from harmless teasers to systematic beatings and humiliations, which even decades later will come around with nightmares. How to help your child if socialization turns out to be a traumatic experience for him?
It's not a child's problem
Many adults remember this by themselves: everyone is against you, the whole world. Teachers don’t care, parents can’t complain: they’ll say “and you give back,” and that’s all. These are not the best memories. And they do not help at all when your child becomes a victim of bullying. Once experienced pain and anger blind your eyes and prevent you from being an adult and smart, make you return to childhood, where you are weak, helpless, humiliated and alone against everyone.
Parents, blinded by pain, choose far from the best options to stand up for their child: they try to hurt his offenders. Sometimes it ends with criminal cases against parents. Therefore, professional psychologists help us figure out how to properly solve the problem of “my child is being bullied at school”: Natalia Naumenko, pathopsychologist from Kyiv, Moscow psychologist and social pedagogue Arseniy Pavlovsky and Elina Zhilina, child and family psychologist from St. Petersburg.
All of them unanimously say that the main role in solving the problem of bullying should be played by adults - teachers and school administration.
“The school can and should prevent bullying of children, the appearance of outcasts in the classes. - says Elina Zhilina. - On the contrary, it can help children develop their best qualities, develop good communication principles: after all, it is at school that the main training of skills takes place social interaction. It is very important that teachers stop bullying in its early stages and prevent it from taking hold; A lot depends on the atmosphere in the school.
However, as Arseny Pavlovsky notes, “teachers often, without understanding what the matter is, punish the one they are bullying. The child was teased throughout the break, his things were scattered, he rushes at the offenders with his fists - then the teacher enters, and the offended one turns out to be extreme. It happens that bullying involves successful children who are liked by teachers - and the teacher does not believe the complaints about children who are in good standing with him. In fact, the teacher can sort out the conflict, listen to both sides and support the child who is being bullied. The position of the teacher is critical. In general, he should take a clear position not even against the offenders, but against the very practice of bullying - and he himself should not support it: do not make fun of the child, do not punish him in vain. And help him. First, provide emotional support. Secondly, self-esteem and self-esteem are often under attack in such a child - and the teacher can put him in a situation of success, for example, choosing tasks that the child will do well. He may even organize a support group among the children and invite the children to do something nice for a classmate.
Alas, teachers usually do not consider it necessary to intervene in children's conflicts: we must educate at home, and our duty is to teach. Nevertheless, the Law on Education imposes responsibility for the “life and health of students .... during educational process» specifically for the school (Article 32, paragraph 3, paragraph 3). The leader in the children's team is an adult. He defines the framework of behavior and rules in his lesson. He is responsible for the safety of schoolchildren, and if they inflict beatings on each other or mental trauma, it is his fault. The school should teach not only subjects, but also the skills of social interaction: to negotiate, resolve conflicts peacefully, do without assault.”
"IN lower grades some children tease others only with the connivance of teachers. Often, teachers not only turn a blind eye to bullying, but also encourage it themselves. Teachers are, as a rule, conformal people*, - Natalya Naumenko notes.
They do not accept someone else's, alien, and can not only be hostile to one of the children, but also unconsciously provoke other children. Even worse - some teachers use children's enmity for their own purposes - to maintain discipline in the classroom.
If the teacher bullies
Veronika Evgenievna (all the stories in this text are taken from life, but all names have been changed) has children-helpers in the fourth grade. They have the right to grade other children and make entries in the diary, check their portfolios, and make comments. Timothy, an impulsive and noisy boy, who has a habit of shouting out nonsense in class, interferes with the teacher. She upsets him with contemptuous remarks, and this tone was adopted by the assistant girls Olya and Sonya. When Timothy refused to comply with Sonya's order, she climbed into his backpack, took the diary and carried it to the teacher. Timofey rushed to take him away and beat Sonya. Sonya's parents recorded the beatings in the emergency room and filed a complaint with the police. Veronika Evgenievna carried out educational work at the lesson: she suggested that the whole class should boycott Timofey.
The Law on Education clearly states that the use of methods of physical and mental violence is prohibited in the learning process. In a good way, the pedagogical methods of Veronika Evgenievna should become the subject of serious proceedings at the school, and if the school administration refuses an internal investigation, then the district education department. If the parents do not want a public hearing, all that remains is to change the school. A child who finds himself in such a situation will not get out of it without adult help: he is still too small to resist an adult who wages a war against him on an equal footing. Parents have yet to teach him to be more mature and wiser than this adult.
At the very beginning of the bullying
Children should be helped to move away from conflict from the very beginning. With verbal aggression - laugh it off, parry (in kindergarten and first grade - a clear advantage for someone who owns a lot of excuses like "I'm a fool, and you're smart, on duty in pots" or "the first burnt, the second golden"). Calmness and a sharp tongue (carefully! no insults!) are a significant advantage, especially when physical strength is unequal.
If something is taken away and they run away, never give chase - that's the whole point. And in order not to rush into the chase, you should not carry anything valuable and dear to your heart to school. The range of measures, if the thing was taken away, is from a simple “give it back” to a complaint by adults and parental negotiations for damages. Separately, it is necessary to teach children how to complain: not to whine, “Why did Ivanov take my pen!” - and ask: "please give me a spare pen, mine was taken away."
Nine-year-old Fedor is a head shorter than other classmates and a year younger. Fights are not for him: they will kill and not notice. Mom developed a whole defense strategy with Fedor. If they tease - laugh it off, if they take something away - offer it yourself: take it, I still have it. If they attack - warn: move away, stop, I don't like it, you hurt me. Leave. Deter the aggressor if it is physically possible. Look for non-banal solutions: raise a cry or douse with water (for this, too, will fly, but less than for a broken eyebrow or concussion). Finally, if the use of force is unavoidable, hit after the warning “I will hit you now”, preferably in front of witnesses. Fedor coped: they stopped beating him, they began to respect him.
What if the victim is at fault?
Children who are bullied are often characterized by social and emotional immaturity, vulnerability, lack of understanding of unwritten rules, and non-compliance with norms. Therefore, adults are often tempted to blame the child for bullying.
“Teachers, when discussing the problem of school bullying, prefer to call it the problem of an outcast,” notes Arseniy Pavlovsky. “But it’s always the problem of the team, not the victim.”
However, it is possible that it is not only the wickedness of others.
“It would be nice to take a closer look, ask the teachers, invite the school psychologist to attend the lessons and observe. The results are stunning. A child at school may turn out to be completely different from what he is at home,” says Natalya Naumenko.
Senya's parents, Russian-speaking foreign citizens who came to Russia to work, sent their son to good school with a friendly atmosphere. Classmates started beating him by the end of the first month. The teachers began to find out what was the matter - and found out: Senya constantly grumbled and scolded everything around, from school to a vile dirty country, where he was forcibly brought and left to live among these nonentities.
And with Sasha, a cheerful and pretty teenager, no one wanted to sit next to him and work on a joint project. The teachers did not even immediately manage to find out that it was just a matter of personal hygiene: Sasha, who was sweating heavily, did not like to wash and change clothes, and delicate classmates, without explaining the reasons, simply avoided communication.
“If the situation with bullying is repeated over and over again in different circles of communication, we can conclude that the child has some kind of deficit in social skills,” says Arseniy Pavlovsky. “Then you need to look for help. But this is in the long term, it needs to be worked on for a long time. And here and now - it is necessary to extinguish the fire that has flared up.
“In such cases, undoubtedly, work with specialists is needed,” advises Natalya Naumenko, “and, most likely, it will be necessary to remove the child from the school environment for six months or a year. From such socialization all the same, there will be no sense.
Often, in order to save a child from unpleasant experiences, not so much is needed. Buy unscheduled pants for your teenage son so that hairy ankles do not stick out from under the short trousers. Do not force a second-grader to go to school in pantyhose, even if it is convenient for mom: underpants are not in short supply and are not more expensive. Do not take an eighth grader to and from school if you can walk and not through a criminal area.
This does not mean that principles should be compromised if they are really the point: rather, the point is that these principles and considerations of convenience do not make a laughingstock out of children.
A child does not need to be remade to please others: if you cure a chronic runny nose or at least teach a child to use handkerchiefs so that snot does not flow from his nose, it is relatively real, then it is much more difficult to make him lose weight. It is impossible to inspire a child that he can not be loved and persecuted for his otherness. “This is how sensitivity to external evaluation- says Natalia Naumenko. “You can’t adjust your qualities to the assessment of other people, it’s not from this end that you need to form self-acceptance.”
What to do with someone else's child?
Parents in interaction with other people's children are shaken from one extreme to another: then they turn a blind eye to the collective beating two meters from them, because they are not responsible for raising other people's children. Then they rush with their fists at the offenders of their child, because they are ready to immediately break for their own. And they teach their people to solve all problems with their fists: "and you hit him properly." And this is where heavy showdowns begin, often with the involvement of law enforcement agencies.
A typical situation: second grader Zhenya pushes the girl Masha in the school lobby while they both choose a place to sit down and change shoes. Masha falls. Grandma's car pushes Zhenya and calls him an idiot. Zhenya falls. The grandmother helps Masha up and tells the crying Zhenya to stay away from her granddaughter. Emotions prevent her from being an adult, not from fighting with a child on an equal footing.
Dishonest children must be calmly and firmly stopped. If someone else's child is rude and rude, you should not sink to his level. You can not threaten him and resort to profanity. It is best to hand it over to the parents and talk with them, ideally in the presence and through the mediation of teachers. Important: other people's children should not be grabbed with their hands, unless their behavior threatens someone's life or health.
inner sun
Many scientific studies have linked school bullying to family dysfunction and regional economic dysfunction. The internal troubles of the child are looking for a way out - and the “not like that” sitting next to him turns out to be an easy victim: bespectacled, non-Russian, lame, fat, nerd. And if it is not so easy to hook a happy and beloved child, then it is easy to hook an unhappy child: he is all a vulnerable spot. Happy and will not pay attention to other people's nonsense; the unfortunate one will howl, rush in pursuit - and provide the offender with a firework of emotions, which he was seeking.
So very good way to make your child invulnerable is to surround him, as in Harry Potter, with the powerful protection of parental love. When you understand that you can be loved, when you have a sense of your own dignity, it’s not so easy to piss you off with the words “bespectacled man - a ball in the ass”: just think, nonsense. It is mom and dad who should raise this inner sun in a child: life is good, they love me, I am good and have the right to live and be loved. Every child is a child of God, the fruit of His love, in every one is His breath.
Parents, however, from early childhood - out of the best intentions, of course - extinguish this inner sun, endlessly reproaching the child for his shortcomings and stinting on kind words. The child is shamed, blamed and emotionally blackmailed, not seeing the line that should not be crossed. Beyond this line, the child understands that he is insignificant, he has no right to live. He is infinitely ashamed of himself, he is to blame for the fact that he is like that. He is deeply hurt by the most harmless teasing. He has already started the process of victimization - becoming a victim.
Peace, only peace!
Serezha wants to piss Dima off. He is pleased with the power over Dima. When Dima gets mad, blushes and yells, Seryozha rejoices - as if he had blown up a firecracker: bang - and confetti fly. Dima cannot remain silent. He seeks to wipe Seryozha off the face of the earth. Mom is trying to convince Dima that there is no need to react so violently, that you can laugh it off, leave, keep silent. But it seems to Dima that it’s not cool to keep silent: you need to embed it properly so that they don’t consider him a weakling.
You can also deal with this: for example, watch films about heroes together and pay attention not to those episodes where the hero beats everyone, but to those where endurance and composure are required of him. In this sense, films about spies and super agents are ideal. However, even Carlson with his tactics of bringing down, cursing and fooling around is a good help.
Cultural norms require that the child be strong and not give in to offenders, while civilizational norms do not encourage violence; If you don't hit back, you're a weakling; if you hit, they'll drag you to the children's room of the police. Whatever you do, you'll be wrong. “If you don’t know what to do, do it according to the law,” Natalya Naumenko recalls the old truth.
“A child is always tempted to respond with force for force,” notes psychologist Elina Zhilina. - He can be taught not to answer, to physically leave, to ignore the offender. And if you answer - then on a different level. This is difficult because it requires a fairly high level of self-awareness and self-confidence. But it is possible with early age to teach a child to see what is behind the actions of another person, to understand his motives and sometimes even regret: you are unhappy, since you are so mad. This is useful, especially if you manage to achieve not proud, contemptuous pity, but sincere sympathy: how hard it is for him to live such a dirty trick out of him.
If the parents are Christians, they have a chance to teach the child that humility and meekness are not weakness, but a colossal inner strength. Turning the other cheek means showing that violence cannot destroy you, that it does not harm you in any way, does not hurt you. It can be difficult for children to accommodate this: “an eye for an eye” is closer to them. Parents have yet to cultivate this fortitude in them - and while it is not there, the child must be taught to deal with insults differently.
“It is important to convey a simple idea to the child: if someone says nasty things about you, this is not your problem, but his,” says Natalya Naumenko. - To teach a child to respond correctly to insults, without rushing into battle on every occasion, will not work quickly. This is a painstaking work, it takes three or four months. And sometimes it is necessary to remove the child from the environment where he is being bullied. If there is no acceptance of the environment, one cannot work on self-esteem. You can pick up your child for family education, for external studies and return him to school later. It often happens that the bullying is not the fault of the child, but the environment. For example, the classic version of the tale of the ugly duckling is a gifted child at a school in a socially disadvantaged area. We, adults, can choose the environment for ourselves - we can quit a job where we are humiliated. Children don't have that option. But we can help them by finding an environment where they will be accepted.”
Finally, with children who have experience of bullying, experience of undeserved suffering, it is imperative to talk - all experts insist on this. Maybe not everyone will need psychological or psychiatric help, but everyone needs help to survive and process this traumatic experience so that it does not cripple, but makes them stronger.
Harmony and Forgiveness
In preparing this article, I had to read quite a lot scientific research in the field of school bullying. An American study was shocking, stating that in 85% of cases of bullying, surrounding adults and children are indifferently watching her and do not interfere. At the same time, Finnish, Canadian and other scientists argue that witnesses of bullying can dramatically affect what is happening if they do not remain silent and sit on the sidelines. At the same time, protecting the victim is not as effective as stopping the offender. So, in a good way, your children should be taught not only to resist those who offend them personally, but also not to offend others, not to leave them alone with trouble. I remember how at a meeting in the first grade with her son, the teacher said: “I said: Alice, look, you are behaving so badly, no one wants to be friends with you. Raise your hands - who wants to sit with Alice? Nobody raised their hand. And only Sasha, the smallest, stood up and said: "I will be friends with Alice." It just taught me a lesson."
The help and support of friends can help reduce victimization among victims of bullying. Swedish scientists from the University of Gothenburg in Gothenburg interviewed matured victims of school bullying: what, in the end, stopped it? The two most popular responses are "teacher interference" and "transfer to another school."
Finally, a Hong Kong study drew attention to itself: the staff of the Faculty of Education of the University of Hong Kong, as a prevention of school bullying, proposes to educate children in the spirit of “the values of harmony and forgiveness at the general school level in order to cultivate a harmonious school culture". It would seem that Hong Kong does not belong to Christian culture. But it is there that they consider it necessary to teach schoolchildren to live in harmony with themselves and forgive others - something that we not only forget, but do not even think about at all.
We must learn to forgive. After all, resentment and anger live in an offended soul for years, poisoning it and not allowing it to rise. But how to forgive is a completely different topic.
Who is being bullied
About 20-25% of schoolchildren become victims of constant or episodic bullying, and boys more often than girls. A typical victim of bullying is a student at a school in a socially disadvantaged area, a child from an unhappy family who often quarrels with his parents and thinks about running away from home. 80% of victims of systematic bullying are permanently depressed
(According to research conducted at the University of Saskatchewan, Canada).
Who is poisoning
The offenders are more likely than others to be children who are mistreated at home, subjected to violence. Such children usually try to dominate others. They are more likely than their peers who do not participate in bullying, have mental and behavioral problems, and are prone to oppositional and defiant behavior.
(According to studies conducted at the Psychiatric Hospital of Mexico City, Mexico; at the Department of Psychiatry, University of Rochester, USA; at the Institute of Clinical Medicine in Tromsø, Norway).
Deviations in health make children an easy target for peers. More often than others, obese children are bullied, but not only them: among the victims of bullying are visually impaired, hearing impaired, lame, etc.
Children with medical problems -
risk group
Children with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, tics and Tourette's syndrome are at increased risk of bullying (nearly a quarter of them bully). There is a vicious circle here: the stronger the child has tics and more often tantrums, the stronger the bullying; Bullying exacerbates tics and leads to more frequent tantrums. The situation is even worse for children with Asperger's syndrome (an autism spectrum problem): up to 94% of such children are bullied. The reasons for bullying are roughly understandable: children find it difficult to make human contacts, they do not understand the rules of social interaction, behave inappropriately and seem stupid and strange to their peers, for which they are ostracized.
(According to studies conducted at the Department of Pediatrics at the University of Washington, Seattle, USA; at the University of Queensled, Australia; at the University of New Hampshire, Durham, USA).
Bullying harms health and academic performance
22 % of middle school students complain of a decline in academic performance due to bullying.
Victims of bullying are 2-3 times more likely to suffer from headaches and get sick. All participants in bullying - both bullies and victims, but especially victims - have significantly higher levels of suicidal thoughts and self-harm than their well-off peers. Boys who are bullied are four times more likely to physically harm themselves than boys who are not bullied.
(According to ABC News; National Center for Suicide Research, Ireland; University of Warwick, UK; National Alliance for Mental Illness NAMI, USA).
Long-term effect of bullying
Although boys are more than twice as likely to be bullied than girls, the long-term effects are more severe for girls. They are more likely than boys to develop post-traumatic stress disorder - the body's reaction to mental trauma. This disorder affects victims of terrorist attacks, veterans who came from the war, people who survived wars, genocide, natural disasters. Clinical symptoms of this disorder are observed in approximately 28% of boys and 41% of girls who were bullied at school.
As adults, girls who have been victims are more likely to be in psychiatric clinics and take antipsychotics, tranquilizers, and antidepressants, and this does not depend on whether they were mentally healthy at the time the bullying began or not.
School bullying, like domestic violence, increases the victim's risk of developing borderline personality disorder.
Victims of school bullying, regardless of their gender, are twice as likely as their peers to be beaten as adults.
(According to studies conducted at Åbo University, Finland; University of Stavanger, Norway; Tromsø Institute of Clinical Medicine, Norway; collaborative study of the University of Warwick, UK, Ludwig Maximilian University Munich, Germany, and Harvard University, USA).
Irina Lukyanova
Chess photo by Tatyana Druzhinina
News about the cruelty of schoolchildren in relation to others is no longer surprising to anyone, but they should be. Of the most recent - a terrible incident that occurred in the Perm Territory.
A video appeared on the social network VKontakte, where a group of teenagers mocks a schoolgirl. The recording shows how they kick the girl, set her hair on fire, and swear. She asks them to stop and cries. Now this shocking video is being checked by the police of the city of Berezniki.
However, the Internet has long been full of such videos, but most often the case is limited to indignant user comments, and only some of these stories reach the court.
Another check began in Moscow - and also because of the cruel video with the participation of schoolchildren. Pictures were posted on the Internet, in which the students of the Assistance Center family education"Faith. Hope. Love" (Orphanage No. 18) beat each other with a stick. At the same time, according to the Moscow Department of Labor and Social Protection, there were three educators on the sports ground where there was a fight, who did not react to what was happening. As a result, Anna Kuznetsova, Commissioner for Children's Rights under the President of the Russian Federation, initiated an inspection of the orphanage.
“As for the inaction of educators, teachers and any officials whose duties include ensuring order in the school, their actions can be qualified under article No. 293 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation “Negligence,” says Oleg Sukhov, chairman of the Interregional Arbitration Court of Moscow and the Moscow Region. “As a rule, a case under Article No. 293 is initiated following the initiation of a case of bullying a child.”
According to the lawyer, the parents of the victims can apply to law enforcement agencies both in the case when there is video evidence, and in the case when there is none. However, it should be borne in mind that if there are some injuries on the child’s body, then you should first contact medical organization to fix them.
“If there are no signs of violence, and the child is silent, then it will be difficult to initiate a criminal case,” Oleg Sukhov believes. “Then it’s best to contact a child psychologist: he will then be able to confirm the child’s complaints of violence.”
In the event of any harm, it is worth writing a statement to the police - the more such statements, the more likely that action will be taken, experts say.
Of course, stories with cruel bullying and videotaping of beatings are still much less common than the usual school bullying: probably in every class for 11 years of study there are children and teenagers who insult the weak or are rude to teachers.
Bullying can be generally implicit, almost invisible: ignoring a classmate, refusing to communicate with him is also aggressive and offensive behavior that can hurt and offend no less than quarrels and fights.
Upon learning that a child is being bullied or that, for example, an unspoken boycott is announced, parents need to immediately get involved in solving this problem - the sooner the better. And you should not justify your inaction by unwillingness to go to some potential scandal: after all, who, if not parents, should be primarily interested in protecting their children?
How to act as parents
Parents can be the last to know about the child's problems at school - it all depends on whether there is trust in the family, attention to each other, whether parents devote enough time to their children. If the child's behavior has changed, if he has become withdrawn and silent or nervous, reacting violently to everything, this is an occasion to urgently talk to him frankly, but gently.
The next step is to talk to the class teacher and school management. Teachers should (precisely should) sort out this situation and be sure to contact the offender's parents.
“Our 10-year-old son is a sensitive child,” says Alexandra, an actress of one of the famous Moscow theaters. “He reads a lot, he is capable, when he remembers something exciting, he can even burst into tears. Or they could put dirty, used shoe covers on his head and record it all on video.Sometimes they took pictures secretly and posted pictures on VKontakte.
Difficult age: how not to become an enemy to a teenagerTransitional age is a difficult period not only for the teenager himself, but also for his parents. How to remain a friend to your child and protect him from dangerous hobbies and companies - in the material of the "Social Navigator".Alexandra and her husband tried to help their son as much as they could, discussed his problems with him, turned to teachers and psychologists for help, but as a result they had to change schools, and more than one.
“It is very important for teachers and school management to be able to get through to the parents of offenders. Most often, very notorious hooligans are still from dysfunctional families,” says Konstantin Olkhovoi, who worked for many years as a psychologist-psychiatrist in a Moscow school for children with deviant behavior. “In the police there is a PDN (juvenile affairs division), and under district governments - CDN (juvenile affairs commissions), the school can apply there, the parents of the victim of bullying can apply there if all the measures of pedagogical and administrative influence at the school have already been used. registered, and later a criminal case can be opened, fines can be issued to his parents.
However, according to the psychologist, one must understand that there are children who, due to the characteristics of the psyche, are uncontrollable. In this case, simply by influencing his parents and contacting the KDN, the problem cannot be solved - psychiatrists need to be involved.
“Previously, in almost every district of Moscow there were special schools for teenagers with deviant (socially dangerous) behavior. As far as I know, most of them are now closed,” said Konstantin Olkhovoy. “In these special schools, many students adapted, experienced teachers worked with them.”
What should teachers do
With school bullying in each country, more precisely, even in each individual school, they fight in their own way. Much depends on the leadership of educational institutions. Somewhere special classes are held, in which schoolchildren themselves frankly talk about problems in the classroom and try to solve them together with the teacher. Somewhere the director necessarily meets with parents, while the school administration can take a very tough stance towards students who bully and insult others.
But it is absolutely obvious that such prevention of school bullying (bullying) must be dealt with from the very beginning of training, then it will simply be too late. Wherein psychological help needed not only by the victim, but also by the instigators.
“From a psychological point of view, we can say that, unfortunately, a culture of violence is widespread in Russia,” says Olga Yurkovskaya, a psychologist and owner of an international consulting company. “Aggression is one of the ways of self-assertion. another way to assert themselves. It is necessary to find at least some activity that would allow a teenager to feel significant. "
Most often, according to Olga Yurkovskaya, problem children live in dysfunctional families, where they themselves face violence, or in families where they are subjected to too much pressure.
"Such children are usually affected by harsh influence from an adult. To do this, you can ask a police officer to talk to the child, for example," Yurkovskaya believes.
Naturally, to teenagers for whom aggression has already become the norm of life (both in the family, and in social networks, and, for example, in the cinema), it is extremely difficult, but possible, to explain that offending and insulting classmates is unacceptable.
"It must be clearly understood that the teacher-student conflict is obviously unequal. Because, on the one hand, we mean a child who still does not know how to behave, and on the other side of the conflict, a person with a higher teacher education, which is generally age psychology and had to study pedagogy,” says psychiatrist Konstantin Olkhovoy. “If he doesn’t have enough pedagogical resources, then he can first turn to the head teacher, colleagues (the same teachers’ council), the director for help, and only then to the KDN or the police.”
If the teacher remembers that in front of him - bad well-behaved child with a different life experience, it immediately becomes much easier for him to communicate with such a student, the psychologist notes. But as soon as the teacher is offended, he lost automatically.
“Measures must be taken,” says Konstantin Olkhovoi. Let us recall, for example, that Anton Semenovich Makarenko, a brilliant teacher, worked with completely frostbitten, excuse me, homeless children, but he wanted and knew how to build relationships with them. It is worth re-reading how he succeeded.
The content of the article:
Bullying at school is the systematic bullying of a weaker student by a classmate or collectively. The victims may be children from dysfunctional or low-income families, with physical problems, with bright talents, or simply weak, shy and indecisive in character. If a case of bullying is identified, collaboration is essential teaching staff, the administration of the institution and parents to eliminate it, as well as to prevent the occurrence of a similar situation.
Methods for stopping bullying in school
Each teacher is left with child abuse on his own, and it is very good if parents and the school administration are involved in overcoming the problem. How to deal with it effectively, future teachers should be taught in pedagogical universities. But for some reason they consider this problem insignificant. Therefore, it is extremely important to be prepared for the emergence of the situation in order to be able to resolve it in time even before the start of an open conflict.
Incorrect methods of conducting a conversation with the children's team contain the following points: an ineffective call for pity, defining the problem of bullying as a personal problem of the victim, long explanations of what happened, recognition of the legitimacy of the rules of the “hit or hit” game, accusations or punishments. The latter is an example of violence on the part of teachers, since it is possible to punish, but in a very extreme case.
Correct Methods include:
- Talking to younger children school age, censure. Before the age of 12, the problem of bullying at school is easier to solve than with older children. At this age, schoolchildren have not yet formed moral principles, and they rely on the opinion of the teacher. It will be enough to have conversations with all participants in the persecution, to show the ugliness of the behavior of the aggressors and to show their own negative attitude towards what is happening.
- Influence on the aggressor from the outside. After 12 years, moral beliefs are already formed, and they will not be so easy to change. The personality and authority of an adult fade into the background, and the reference group of peers comes to the fore. Therefore, it will be necessary to act subtly, gradually forming public opinion.
- Attracting a reputable ally. First, you need to try to convince, explain the inadmissibility and inefficiency of bullying. An authoritative teacher for children or an adult should talk to the class, because here everything depends on the strength of persuasion and inner faith in what is being said. Otherwise, everything will fly past your ears. Children should respect this person, listen to him. If a teacher of the same importance for them comes, the whole conversation will not make sense.
- Directness. We call the problem by its name - this is persecution, rot. Do not beat around the bush, children do not like it. Explain that bullying is a class problem, not an individual problem. Violence is like a contagious disease that has spread to the collective, and everyone needs to take care of the health within their group. Relationships should be kept clean just like face and clothes.
- Role reversal. Give an example in such a way that everyone feels in the place of the victim. This method can be applied alone with the aggressor or with teachers if they do not understand the seriousness of what is happening: “Imagine that you enter the classroom, say hello, and everyone turns away from you, how will you feel?” Explain that people are different and each person has characteristics that may annoy others.
- Introduction of new rules of conduct and responsibility. Invite alphas who initiate violence to take responsibility for innovation. This will help them save face and get out of a destructive position. As for the changes, they may affect leisure activities during free school or extracurricular time.
- Help from a specialist. Invite a psychologist to conduct special psychological games, giving the opportunity to feel in the place of the victim and realize the inadmissibility of bullying.
School bullying has no chance to arise in those classes where the teacher himself is the alpha. It does not matter whether the teacher has positive authority or tyrannizes children. In the first case, he can effectively stop manifestations of violence, relying on the respect and love of students. In the second, the children are forced to rally to resist the pressure; there is not enough energy for civil strife.
Tips for parents to help their child deal with bullying at school
With good, trusting relationships in the family, no tricks are required to detect school troubles. The child will talk about his problems himself. But all children different tempers, and there is an “age of silence”, when the child prefers not to talk about his troubles.
In these cases, you will have to focus on indirect signs:
- External manifestations. Frequent bruises and abrasions, torn and dirty clothes, damaged books and notebooks. Reluctance to go to school, strange detour routes.
- Character changes. Irritability, irascibility, rudeness towards the younger and parents.
- Loneliness. There are no friends among classmates, they are absent in friends in in social networks. No one from the class comes to visit, does not stop by on the way to school or back.
- Communication. First of all, you need to explain to the child that he is not to blame for what is happening to him. Call the phenomenon what it is - bullying. And promise to help. A son or daughter may be categorically against intervention; children are afraid of increased pressure and bullying. But this moment will have to be overcome. The condition will help: either a conversation with the teacher, or another school.
- Support. It is important to listen to complaints and empathize emotionally with the child. One should not analyze and evaluate his stories, but simply be on his side. Even if there is an understanding that the son or daughter is different from others, they provoke aggression and do wrong. Only aggression can provoke violence. The child did not beat anyone and did not call names, which means that no one has the right to offend him on the grounds that he is not like that.
- School conversation. To stop school bullying and violence, when talking to teachers, call a spade a spade and demand it from them. You can’t use streamlined definitions like “the relationship didn’t work out”, “no one is friends.” We must immediately say: this is persecution, humiliation, mockery. The task of the parent is to find a person who will call what is happening by his own name to the rest. If the teacher talks about the shortcomings of the child instead of acknowledging the fact of bullying, you need to move on. The head teacher, director, GORONO - there will definitely be such a person, and it is unlikely that the school will want to let the conflict out of its walls.
Left on his own in a situation of bullying, the child can break loose. This manifests itself in the terrible scenes of his violence against himself. Children cut their veins, inflict physical pain on themselves, cut their hair. It is very important for parents not to waste time, not to lose the trust of the child, to express their full support and assistance.
The psychological climate in the children's team is not an indicator of success educational institution, but greatly affects his positive image among his parents. Bullying is not prevented at school, so teachers and psychologists are forced to work with cases of violence that have already occurred. Here, more attention is paid to academic performance, the results of control and olympiads.
The main preventive measure of bullying at school is the selection of a competent team of teachers. The teacher must not only be fluent in his subject, but also be able to work with the children's team. Without an authoritative adult, child abuse cannot be dealt with.
The best time to prevent violence is in elementary school. The task is to teach children positive interaction. It is better if the roles of alpha (leader) and outsiders are not rigidly fixed, and the hierarchy in the class is harmonious. This is possible if a small team lives not only by studying, but also by some other things: competitions, competitions, jointly organized leisure activities outside the city.
Collaboratively created group rules help. They can be written out on a separate poster and hung in the classroom. But they don't have to be formal. The group and the teacher constantly monitor their performance and discuss what else needs to be done to make the class more friendly and united.
Important! Preventing violence is easier than suppressing it. In addition, not a single broken life and damaged reputation of the school can become a consequence of the connivance of the situation.
How to deal with bullying at school - look at the video:
The biggest mistake is to gloss over incidents of school violence and wait for the situation to resolve itself. Any child is defenseless against bullying and runs the risk of severe psychological harm with prolongation of consequences for the rest of his life. Therefore, the greatest responsibility lies with the parents. If the situation cannot be resolved using the proposed methods, you need to take the child from a nightmarish place and look for more acceptable conditions with a more qualified teaching staff.
Someone remembers the school with nostalgia, someone - with horror. The latter arises not because of poor conditions or a boring program, but because of school bullying.
Bullying, or bullying (English bullying) - aggressive persecution of one of the members of the team (especially the team of schoolchildren and students, but also colleagues) by the rest of the team members or part of it. In bullying, the victim is unable to defend himself from attacks, so bullying differs from a conflict where the forces of the parties are approximately equal.
Don't confuse bullying with not having hundreds of friends. The child may be withdrawn, lonely or unpopular. But he shouldn't be a victim. The difference is in regular and conscious aggression towards the child.
Relatively recently, cyberbullying has also appeared - this is emotional pressure, only on the Internet, especially in social networks.
How often does it occur?
Much more often than it seems. 30% of people aged 5 to 14 have experienced violence. This is 6.5 million people (according to 2011 data) Sherengi, F. E. Violence at school against children and adolescents under the age of 14.. Of these, one-fifth is school violence. The number is not just big, it is huge.
How dangerous is school bullying?
In addition to the fact that bullying can take the form of physical violence, that is, lead to injuries, it can also be psychological, emotional. Its tracks are harder to spot, but it is no less dangerous.
Bullying destroys a person's self-esteem. The object of bullying forms complexes. The child begins to believe that he deserves a bad attitude towards himself.
Bullying interferes with learning, because the child has no time for classes: he would have to survive at school. Bullying forms anxiety disorders, phobias, depression National Center for Injury Prevention and Control. Understanding School Violence..
And not a single person who has gone through the rejection of the team will ever forget this. Subsequently, a negative attitude towards life in the classroom can spread to any community at all, and this means problems with communication in adulthood.
Who is at risk?
Actually everything. For bullying, they are looking for a reason, something that makes the child different from others (in any direction). These may be physical disabilities, health problems, poor academic performance, glasses, hair color or eye shape, lack of fashionable clothes or expensive gadgets, even an incomplete family. Closed children often suffer, who have few friends, children at home who do not know how to communicate in a team, and in general, everyone whose behavior does not look like the behavior of the offender.
It is useless to correct any features that have become the reason. Those who poison, if desired, can get to the bottom of the lamppost.
And who actually poisons?
There are two completely opposite types of attackers.
- Popular kids, kings and queens with their school retinue, leaders who control other kids.
- Asocial, left out of the collective students who are trying to take the position of kings, collecting their own court.
A separate type of aggressors are adult school employees. Usually teachers.
Why are they being poisoned?
Because they can. If you ask already grown up bullies why they were bullying, as a rule, they answer that they did not understand that they were doing something wrong. Someone is looking for excuses for their behavior, explaining that the victim received "for the cause."
Researchers come to the conclusion that the source of bullying is not in the personality of the victim or offender, but in the principle by which classes are formed. Peter Grey. GraySchool Bullying: A Tragic Cost of Undemocratic Schools..
Children in schools are collected on the basis of one attribute - the year of birth. Naturally, such a group would never have formed. Therefore, conflicts are inevitable: children are forced to communicate with those who are imposed on them, without the right to choose.
The situation at the school is reminiscent of the situation in prison: people are forcibly driven into one room, and people who are not less tightly controlled should follow them.
Bullying is both an opportunity to establish one's power in such an unnatural team, and the unification of offenders into a cohesive group. And in any group, responsibility for actions is eroded, that is, children receive psychological indulgence for any actions. Ruland, E. How to stop bullying at school..
There is only one required condition, without which bullying is impossible: connivance on the part of teachers or tacit approval of such behavior.
So it's the teachers' fault?
No. The thing is, teachers don't see bullying. Attackers know how to be quiet, pretend to be goodies and mock the victim when no one notices. But the victim, as a rule, does not differ in such cunning. And if he gives an answer, he catches the eye of the teachers.
Bottom line: the teacher sees how the student violates the order, but does not see what was the reason for this.
Although the problem cannot be denied. Many adults believe that children will figure it out on their own, that it is better not to interfere, that the object of bullying is "to blame." And sometimes the teacher does not have enough experience, qualifications (or conscience) to stop bullying.
How do you know if a child is being attacked?
Children are often silent about their problems: they are afraid that the intervention of adults will exacerbate the conflict, that adults will not understand and will not support. There are several signs by which bullying can be suspected.
- Bruises and scratches that the child cannot explain.
- Lies in response to the question of where the injuries came from: the child cannot come up with an explanation, says that he does not remember how the bruises appeared.
- Often "lost" things, broken appliances, missing jewelry or clothes.
- The child looks for an excuse not to go to school, pretends to be sick, he often suddenly gets sick in the head or stomach.
- Change in eating behavior. Especially it is necessary to pay attention to cases when the child does not eat at school.
- Night terrors, insomnia.
- Poor academic performance, loss of interest in studies.
- Quarrels with old friends or loneliness low self-esteem, constant depression.
- Runaways, self-harm and other destructive behaviors.
How to stop bullying?
In fact, none of the researchers can give a recipe for how to stop bullying. It should be taken into account that if bullying has begun at school, it is impossible to fix the problem at the “victim-attacker” level, because this is ineffective. You need to work with the whole team, because there are always more than two participants in bullying Petranovskaya, L. Bullying in the children's team..
The whole class and teachers are witnesses who are also affected by the unfolding drama. They also take part in the process, albeit as observers.
The only way to really stop bullying is to create a normal healthy team at school.
This is helped by joint assignments, group work on projects, extra-curricular activities in which everyone participates.
The main thing to do is to call bullying bullying, violence, to indicate that the actions of the aggressors have been noticed and that this must be stopped. So everything that offenders find cool will be exposed in a different light. And this should be done either by the class teacher, or the head teacher, or the director.
How to respond to aggression?
Discuss all bullying with your child so that he can respond to the bully's actions. As a rule, scenarios are repeated: name-calling, petty sabotage, threats, physical violence.
In each case, the victim needs to act in a way that the aggressors do not expect.
Always respond to insults, but calmly, without rolling into reciprocal abuse. For example, say: "I'm talking to you politely." If the child saw that someone spoiled his things, you need to inform the teacher about it, so that the offenders hear: “Maria Alexandrovna, there is chewing gum on my chair, someone ruined the school furniture.” If they try to beat you or drag you away, if you can’t run away, you need to shout loudly: “Help! Fire!". Unusual. But letting yourself be beaten is worse.
Since the methods of bullying are varied, the answers will be individual. Can't figure out how to be? Ask the psychologists who should be in every school.
What can be done about offenders?
There are few options. If a child is beaten, you need to go to the emergency room, undergo a medical examination, report to the police and go to court for damages. Parents and the school will be responsible for illegal acts. The offenders themselves are responsible only after 16 years (for serious harm to health - after 14) Criminal Code of the Russian Federation. .
But if the bullying is only emotional, it is unlikely that it will be possible to prove something and involve law enforcement agencies. You need to immediately go to the class teacher, and if the teacher denies the problem - to the head teacher, director, in RONO, City government education. The task of the school is to organize the very psychological work within a class or several classes in order to stop violence.
If I intervene, won't it get worse?
It won't. Bullying is not an isolated conflict. There may be many. If a child has been bullied, he already cannot cope with aggression on their own.
The worst policy is to decide that the child will deal with the problems himself.
Some people really do it. And many break. It can even lead to suicide. Do you want to check on your child whether he is lucky or not?
How to support a child?
- If there is already bullying, then this is a reason to turn to a psychologist, and the whole family should deal with it at once. If a child takes the position of a victim in the family, then the same thing will happen at school.
- Show that you are always on the side of the child and are ready to help him, deal with difficulties to the very end, even if it is not easy. There should not be any proposals to endure a difficult period.
- Try to destroy fear. The child is afraid of both offenders and teachers who can punish him for violating the norms of behavior if he fights back or complains. Tell him that his self-respect is more important than the opinions of classmates and teachers.
- If your child does not have enough opportunities for self-affirmation at school, find such opportunities for him. Let him show himself in hobbies, sports, extra classes. You need to instill confidence in him. This requires practical confirmation of its significance, that is, achievements.
- Do whatever you can to help raise your child's self-esteem. This is a separate issue. Search the entire Internet, re-read all the literature on this topic, talk to experts. Everything for the child to believe in himself and in his abilities.
What can't be said?
Sometimes parents take a position where their help becomes harmful. Some phrases will only make things worse.
“You yourself are to blame”, “you behave like this”, “you provoke them”, “you are being bullied for something”. It's not the child's fault. And each of us can find differences from others, shortcomings. This does not mean that everyone can be poisoned. Blaming the victim and looking for the reasons for bullying means justifying the offenders. So you will take the side of the enemies of your child.
There is an opinion that there is a special victim behavior, that is, a victim pattern that is impossible not to attack. Even so, this is not a reason to make a child a scapegoat. It's just not possible - period.
"Do not pay attention". Bullying is the grossest invasion of personal space, it is impossible not to react to this. At some point, the offenders may indeed fall behind. It is not a fact that by this time at least something will remain of the self-esteem and self-esteem of the child.
"Give 'em back". Risky advice that endangers the child's health and escalates the conflict. If the victim tries to clumsily resist, bullying only intensifies.
“What are you doing, he’s bad!”. These or similar words try to calm the attackers. Do not try to reach out to those who bully by explaining that the victim is bad. So you only prove that the victim is weak, and the offenders are strong, that is, confirm their position.
Should I transfer my child to another school?
A popular position is that transferring a child to another class or school is an unsuccessful measure, because the same thing will happen in the new place. It is better to teach the child to behave in a new way so that he tempers his character and can fight back.
Not really. As we have already found out, bullying begins where the child does not have the right to choose a team. Anyone can become a potential victim. And bullying is impossible if the teaching staff knows how to stop bullying at the very beginning.
That is, a transition to another team (for example, to a school where subjects close to the child are studied in depth) or to another teacher can correct the situation.
If the problem cannot be solved, if teachers at school turn a blind eye to bullying, if the child is afraid to go to school, then change it.
And then, in a new place and with renewed vigor, go to a psychologist and teach your child moral stamina.
Is my child doing well, is he in danger of bullying?
Let's hope not, and that your child will not be either a victim or an aggressor. But just in case, remember:
- Bullying is a common phenomenon that has always been.
- Bullying grows where it is grown: in a team where too different children are gathered without common goals and interests. Anyone can become a victim, because we are all different from others in some way.
- Children do not always tell their parents about bullying, but it is difficult to solve the problem without the intervention of adults. It is necessary to eliminate bullying in the whole class at once, to work with teachers and psychologists.
- The main thing is to save children's self-esteem so that it does not result in serious psychological problems in adulthood.
- If the school staff pretend that nothing is happening, look for another school.
