The attitude to things tells about the owner much more than he himself thinks. Perhaps you do not attach much importance to how you store clothes, whether you are ready to give a book and not demand a return, how you dispose of writing materials at work and what kind of bag you carry. However, what are you “transmitting” to those who know the secret of the attitude to things?

Decluttering / economy

The first thing that attracts attention in relation to things is their quantity and variety. Two or three pens, five pencils (three are gnawed, one is broken), a dry corrector, unnecessary paper clips or a stapler on the table - in front of you ... a person who manages his life, himself, his time "as necessary." It may be justified that “it’s not on purpose”, “I just wanted to clean up”, but the main thing in the life of such a person is a momentary desire and the absence of well-coordinated habits, which just usually make life easier and better.

Another type of attitude to things is minimalism and even in some way asceticism. Do not expect that such a partner will give you a romantic date or is capable of frequent manifestations of feelings. In relations with people (and with himself) such a person is often no less economical and tight-fisted than the previous one - lax and inconsistent.

Quality / Cost

The cost of things, of course, is a personal matter for everyone. However, if the cost of things is put on display, discussed - the owner of expensive, "show off" and ultra-giga-super (epithets sometimes apply even to toilet paper;) tends to do a lot for show. Even choosing, sorry, a new toilet roll, he is guided not by smell, pleasant color, softness or some other parameters, but by the fact that his choice guests can see.

Another option in this category is a disregard for the cost, and the third is the actual purchase of only the cheapest options. Well, what, all the same, the thing will be used up, but the money will remain! Saving on quality is also an alarming sign that the attitude towards things is transferred to other areas of life. You will leave - and the money has been spent on a relationship with you, so let's just take a walk down the street, because here the food smells so fragrant!

For a long time / Everything new is about self-love!

Two more categories of attitude to things are the desire for new clothes and vice versa, the focus on solid things. Let them cost more than cheap new clothes, but years and years of service are provided. According to this, one can easily determine how a person relates to relationships with others and communication - whether he easily starts new relationships (and, accordingly, breaks the old ones as a matter of urgency) or looks closely, choosing girlfriends and friends with predilection for versatile communication.

When is the time to throw it away?

Someone gets so used to things (read, and to relationships too) that he alters old sheets into towels, towels into rags, rags - dust off the shelves. Others are easy to relate if a button comes off or things need repair - goodbye, “junk”, hello, brand new, fresh, crispy!

In this case, only such an option can alert, when the thing is not repaired, and takes up space in the house. And if there are quite a lot of such things, a person can arrange a “suitcase without a handle” in his relationship.

After all, sometimes in order to say goodbye to a thing (throw it away, leaving the most necessary, or escort it to an orphanage, send a carpet or a used sweatshirt to a kennel for homeless dogs), it also takes time and mental strength.

Of course, only the most general principles attitudes towards things that directly reflect the attitude towards life and the resources that it gives - from the most obvious (food, money) to the implicit (support, communication - friendly and by interests).

I read an article today that got me hooked. Yes, and how not to catch, if questions
personal boundaries, personal space, relationships - that's all, on this building
self-respect is also determined, and a place in society is determined, and whether or not
any results are achieved, this area ultimately determines and
level of mental comfort and happiness. And, as always, much is recognizable, and in
environment, and towards me. AT recent times I vote with both hands
something to clean up your environment. And what is written here is one of the reasons.
Five years later, I myself cannot understand how I could have been closely associated with
people who treated me that way.

People-objects, people-functions, people-persons

"-... And the sin, young man, is when people are treated like things. Including the attitude towards oneself.
I'm afraid it's much more complicated...
- I'm not afraid. Because it's not harder. When people start saying that things are much more complicated, it means they are afraid that they might not like the truth. People are like things, that's where it all starts."

T. Pratchett

Imagine that you have a multicooker in front of you. Works well, regularly prepares various kinds of porridge. It would never occur to anyone to ask a slow cooker about her feelings, plans for the future, ideas. While it works - just press the buttons, and that's it. Well, at the beginning, we’ll read the instruction manual, where to pour what and where to press. If it suddenly breaks down - then either to fix it, or throw it away, buy a new one to replace it. You can, of course, be upset and sad that such a great and beloved thing no longer functions - but it would be extremely strange if you were concerned about the experiences of the multicooker itself in this regard.

It is neither strange nor surprising to treat a thing as a thing. But, unfortunately, it is no more unusual that a lot of people either treat themselves or other people as multicookers. objectify each other.

Detecting objectification is very easy. What is an object? This is any item. It is influenced, it is manipulated in various ways, it can be decorated, it can be admired, it can be made an object of cult or contempt. He can just lie somewhere on the ground, he can fly in space or swing on the waves. In general, you can do a lot of things with objects. But the object cannot do anything - because it does not have its own will, it is just something inanimate. He has no feelings, no desires, no motives. Just an object... When the feelings and experiences of another person disappear from our field of vision, become unimportant - a person turns into an object. It's very easy to objectify.

A teenager who dreams of finally losing this damned virginity shares his desire to “fuck this Lenka”, who is in love with him, but he is not with her. Feelings and experiences of "Lenka" about this - when it turns out that she was simply used - the teenager is not interested. "Then how is she different from a rubber doll?" Nothing. And the guy doesn't care.

Parents who have already planned life path the child, without departing from his infant cradle, and all his childhood making remarkable efforts to correct the child in accordance with the given parameters. Feelings and experiences of the child? What are you, this is just a child, what can he know or understand?

A sociopathic politician (and there are many of them in the upper echelons of power, and not only in the state), who perceives people as an “electorate”, moving them like pawns on a chessboard. As you know, pawns - and even larger pieces - can be sacrificed in order to gain advantage on the board. Pawn feelings? Yes, you are crazy, how pieces of wood can talk

Objects come in two forms: completely useless and functional. Useless objects are people from whom nothing is needed, who can or even needs to be moved or scrapped. Useless objects are denied even basic respect for their feelings: "respect must be earned." As for functional people, something is needed from them, and they will even be taken care of - exactly to the extent that these function people can perform the tasks for which they are intended. The coffee maker is washed sometimes, cars can be sent for maintenance, dishwashers would also be good to check sometimes - are they clogged somewhere? What people-objects and people-functions have in common is that their own aspirations and desires are generally absent in the minds of those who use objects and functions, and besides, people-objects and people-functions themselves are incapable of declaring their needs.

Most of the functions are activated by the code word "debt". Where there is duty (that is, the absence of one's own desires) - there is a function. Sometimes there is nothing terrible about it. So, our relations with taxi drivers, sellers, pizza deliverymen - with any representatives of the service sector - are largely functional, we are primarily interested in satisfying our needs, and not the desires of a taxi driver. 8 to 18 or at the time of the exercise professional activity- first a function, then - a living person. However, this "partial functionality" often grows into places where it doesn't belong. At the same job, the boss may be interested in his subordinates only as functions that provide him with profit, and do not have their own personal life. If something is wrong, we will replace the part, what problems? “We don’t have indispensable” and “and first you deserve a good attitude towards yourself” - the motto of users of functional people.

There is a function "husband / wife" - it is activated by the initial word "duty" and the subroutines "man must", "wife is obliged". There is a "good boy/son" and "good girl/daughter" function. There is a "normal mother" and a "real father". There are norms of functionality: for example, earning so much means that the object works well. Sometimes preventive maintenance / inspection is needed - but only to continue earning. Of course, with a functional approach, it is necessary to calculate the production rate and own costs for maintaining the functioning of the facility, to conduct detailed arithmetic of relations. And God forbid the object will require more costs than it can produce a useful product! Why then is it needed? Replace!

You need to talk to a human function through the following typical commands:

You must / must not do this and that (You are obliged to recoup the physical and psychological costs of your maintenance (“filial / child debt”)

Do what you want, but that by tomorrow it will be.

Do not take out my brain with the creak of your poorly lubricated gears ("do not hysteria!"). Go for prevention (“treat your nerves”, “go to a psychologist”) and come back as good as new / brand new.

If you can't, we'll teach you, if you don't want to, we'll force you.

Be patient with the Cossack, you will be the ataman (it is written in your operating instructions that you must become the ataman).

In such relationships, when function people suddenly begin to refuse to be objects, such behavior is perceived by the owners with amazement, like a revolt of machines. And this uprising must either be suppressed, or the software / oil in the mechanism should be taken care of. “What are you missing, you’re mad with fat!” The program “heroism and self-sacrifice” shows itself well in the versions “a soldier thinks only about the Motherland”, “a teacher's feat” and “you took the Hippocratic oath!”. The only thing they will not do is to be sincerely interested in the causes of the “rebellion”. Of course, it’s a defect in the mechanism, but they don’t talk to the mechanisms ... Although it’s me - out, cars are sometimes given names, which does not prevent parting with Masha Toyota when the handsome Misha Lexus loomed on the horizon.

The saddest thing is when people objectify themselves. They treat themselves not like living people made of flesh that gets tired and needs care, but like coffee makers. They don’t ask themselves the question “do I like / love it?”, but leaf through the operating instructions: “how to squeeze additional power out of the unit ?!”. The magic activating program "duty" ... They include the programs "Heroism" and scan themselves with an antivirus to detect malicious Trojans "selfishness", "self-care", "something I'm tired of" and so on. Rest is just a time to recharge the batteries, not a second more.

Outside the objective-functional world with its duty and action lies another world, the subjective-spiritual one. Where there are no typical programs, but there are questions addressed to another - or to oneself.

Recently, you often talk about how bad you feel ... What is wrong with you and how can I help?

You and I constantly quarrel... What happens in our relationship?

I want this and this... How do you look at it?

What are your weekend/holiday plans?

Let's think together...

What do you want/what do you think?

I think you're tired...

Multicookers do not get tired. They break right away.

Latypov Ilya Vladimirovich

I received this super-opus on ICQ, so I don’t know the source. However, it hit strongly in the suit with. Only in very simple words and as close as possible to everyday reality, unlike the philosophizing of the previous article, which few people understood. In simple words about eternal :)
Attention - there is a mat in the text!

I noticed that men are divided into two types - those who treat a woman as a person and those who treat a woman as a thing. and so the latter, in the end, treat their "things" much better and more carefully than those who are "like with a person."

I'll try to open the topic.
a man who treats a woman like a living person expects human reactions from her and reacts accordingly. human reactions are not characteristic of women, so they constantly behave in the wrong way (as a man expects). he gets angry, tries to talk to her "like a human being", stumbles upon a wall of misunderstanding, gets even more angry, the wall grows higher - well, in the end, a break in relations and broken hearts.

a man who treats a woman like a thing (albeit a beloved one) expects no more from her than he expects from his car or mobile phone or, I don’t know, a coffee maker. he knows exactly what functions this woman should perform (and this woman performs them, because it is in her design to give, suck, smile and make coffee). if suddenly such a woman throws out some kind of trick, the man will not sort things out with her, just as it would never occur to him to sort things out with a broken iron. he will not pay attention, or he will try to calmly figure out what caused the breakdown, or he will make repairs with improvised means, or, if it’s really a disaster, he will make a replacement. but silently, calmly, without swearing.

a man who treats a woman like a person expects her to be, in principle, the same creature as him, only without a dick. It means she can handle everything on her own. if such a woman runs out of money, he will say that she needs to spend less and work more, if she gets into some kind of trouble, he may even try to help her, but he will still expect adequate actions from her, in short, such a man tends to trust the solution of all problems to the woman herself (and sometimes they manage to lay their problems on her shoulders).
what will the man, the owner of the "thing", do in such a situation. Well, what do you do if your iron falls? Will you wait for it to rise and fall into place? Yes, it’s much easier for you to pick it up and no longer bathe. that is, such a man quickly solves all problems himself, if they do not go beyond the limits of reason, not trusting a woman for a second and doing it right, I must say!

Now a few words about women. if you think that being a thing means a complete rejection of your own personality, you are greatly mistaken and do not understand anything about toys. look at mac fans. they constantly break down, buggy, the plastic comes off, the monitor flashes, the software does not install, everything is inconvenient and through the ass, but they will adore their beloved poppy and carry it on their hands, despite all its "manifestations of character". or a gelentvagen car - what could be worse and more inconvenient? but how they love it! What is the temperament of a Ferrari? almost something is wrong and sends the owner to the next world, without hesitation, and how he cherishes her and cherishes her, and says "well, damn, my girl has a character!"

so boys, stop looking for pure light and reasonable in girls, and you girls, stop making yourself a person

This essential feature is characteristic of every manipulator who is convinced that people not only can, but should be used. At the same time, psychologists still advise to be careful about this criterion, not to make it absolute and not to accept any request for help on the basis of the principle “you are using me”.

Destructive impact.

This criterion is very closely related to the previous ones and is obvious only at first glance. What and whom does the manipulator destroy? It can destroy to varying degrees all three basic components of successful business communication: business, relationships and personality. No one doubts the fact that the victim of the manipulator is in danger. The manipulator often successfully manages to destroy someone's business, someone's good relationship, someone's mental and physical health. All these destructive influences are interconnected and interdependent. At the same time, many mistakenly think that the manipulator himself usually wins. Hence the desire of a certain group of people to master manipulative tactics for successful career advancement. Unfortunately, the important fact is often ignored that the manipulator himself sooner or later becomes a victim of his manipulations, that manipulation is not at all a harmless weapon to achieve selfish goals. Friends turn away from the manipulator, colleagues are disappointed in him, partners prefer not to deal with him. In addition, even a very successful at first glance businessman - a manipulator often falls into a serious depression, as he loses confidence even in the people closest and most devoted to him. To a manipulator who judges people by himself, who is deeply cynical, at some point it begins to seem that no one loves him disinterestedly, that everyone is only using him. As a result of such destructive attitudes, the manipulator himself destroys his own mental and physical health, spoils relationships with loved ones, and sometimes he himself becomes the cause of the collapse of his business.

Everett Shostrom's concept

Rice. 3.7.

Manipulator

or updater?

In his book Anti-Carnegie, or the Manipulator, the prominent American psychotherapist Everett Shostrom analyzes the main causes of manipulative behavior in interpersonal and business communication, highlights the main manipulative tactics and psychological types personality and offers important ways to solve the problem of manipulativeness. Despite the fact that the term proposed by the author actualizer”as an antagonist to the manipulator did not really take root in the psychological literature, the author's approach deserves close consideration.

E. Shostrom leads the reader to a number of important and, at first glance, unexpected conclusions, overthrows the rather destructive stereotypes that permeate modern society. So, undoubtedly, the idea that the less a person is able to accept any aspects of his personality, the less he appreciates them, the more he feels himself a “thing” seems to be important. And it is precisely from such a position that one step is taken to recognizing other people as soulless things that not only can, but must be manipulated. Unlike the actualizer, the manipulator proceeds from the assumption of his own inferiority, extending it to all representatives of the human race, he believes that this inferiority can be overcome by fighting with himself and with other people. The author advises not to neglect the idea of ​​Erich Fromm that only things can be divided into parts without destroying their nature, but a person cannot be dismembered without killing him. Therefore, it is impossible to manipulate people without destroying them. Both E. Fromm and E. Shostrom associate the attitude to a person as a thing with all-pervading market trends in society, which is reflected in the language modern man. For many people, such as the "market" phrase, for example, has become the norm: "This manager is worth $ 2,000." Without thinking about how humiliating this is, many people are able to say this about themselves and about their loved ones.