Hey! My name is Igor Lapin, I am a professional pickup coach. Today I will tell you how to feel sorry for a girl with words. Yes, this is also sometimes necessary. Girls and women in general love to listen, and often they are even said to love with their ears. In this case, this is exactly what is meant.

In general, there are at least two ways to support your girlfriend in difficult times - emotional contact and physical contact. In the latter case, it is not always sex. Of course, it is best to always use both of these methods, but in this article we will mainly talk about what words to feel sorry for a girl.

How to feel sorry for a girl emotionally?

Comforting her with words is a mandatory nuance of a serious relationship. First of all, you need to ask what happened, bring her to a conversation, patiently listen to her. However, it is better to keep your opinion and comments to yourself until she fully expresses herself. But there may be something that she does not want to discuss with you, and then it is better not to insist.

If this is the first such case in your relationship, then you must first just let her cry - the girls love it. At the same time, it must be said that you are near, and be near.

You should support her, not be condescending. Say that you will always be there and on her side in any conflict, even if you feel that somewhere she was wrong. Tell her that you understand how hard it is for her, and you are ready to help if she asks you. The latter is within reason, of course.

If she spoke up, admit that the problem is really serious. In any case, you will now have to somehow comment on all this, because she expects support from you. Say that you completely agree with her, or that you are sorry that this happened. It all depends on the specific situation. However, for now, refrain from any advice.
No matter how smart you consider yourself, and no matter how ridiculous her problem may seem to you, remember that people do not get upset over trifles. So, for her, this is really important, and she treats it like that. And a simple way out of the situation, even if it is right in front of her nose, must be shown as if she herself had come to this. But usually if a person is so upset, then simple solutions and does not happen.

Show that you care about her emotions. I understand that this is not easy, but even if she can speak out to you, she will gain (thanks to you) control over her emotions to some extent, and this is already a plus. Help her express her emotions with words. Comment on her feelings, for example, say that in her place, you would be terribly ill in such an unpleasant situation. Help her find words to describe her experiences.

And all the time you also need to maintain a positive attitude - do not get angry, and do not be upset with her. She turned to you for help, and therefore she will look for the positive in you. Remind her that everything passes, remember the bright moments of a joint relationship. Yes, and you should not talk down to her, and downplay the significance of her problem, even if it seems tiny to you.

How else to feel sorry for a girl?

Try to comfort her with real actions, this is often very effective. Be patient until she masters her emotions, but sooner or later it will still be time to act. It can be understood, probably, only through communication. Therefore, from time to time ask if she is ready to talk. And even if she is angry, do not leave her alone - only when she directly asks for it.

Real action is also a bit of physical contact. It's just that you have to act carefully. But even light touches in this case can work wonders. They promote the release of a special hormone - oxytocin. This substance evokes feelings of intimacy, trust, and connection. By the way, that's why it's so important to get to know each other faster.

How to feel sorry for a girl? You can simply put your hand on your shoulder and in the area of ​​​​the shoulder blades, or you can stroke the back of your hand with your fingers - if you are talking holding hands. By the way, the latter greatly helps to reduce the level of stress hormone in the body. Just hug her tightly and gently, pat her on the back and even lightly pat her as a sign of support and approval. So, you make her feel more secure.

However, do not force things. Touches and conversations will surely be enough for her to console, and therefore, for the time being, climbing with kisses and hints of sex is more expensive for herself. But pulling it out somewhere is a great option so that all experiences are quickly forgotten or simply fade into the background. Take her to the movies, cafes, or just a picnic if the weather and season permit. And an even more wonderful way is a walk in the park, and if your city has a decent promenade, then you can go there. In general, walks in such places always set the girls in a romantic mood.

Conclusion

Well, in the end, a few more tips on how to feel sorry for a girl.

1. Don't leave her alone. Even if she does not want to talk yet, after a while she will have to share with someone.
2. When she calms down a bit and talks out, give her warm tea with chocolate. You can use other sweets - there will still be a positive effect.
3. If you realize that you can’t help her, offer to take her to her best friend.
4. However, be careful with humor, even if you are trying to cheer her up. In fact, not all of your jokes can have an effect. And even if you yourself seem very funny, she may be offended by you.

Sometimes girls even prefer to experience their troubles alone, and then it is better to leave her alone and let her cry. But be within reach so that if she suddenly wants to talk, then you are the one who will help her. If you want to know even more secrets to seduce girls

It's good when a woman supports her man and gives him confidence in himself, but, on the other hand, starting to lisp with him, she suppresses his inner masculinity, provokes the behavior of a small child in him.

Psychologists believe that all men can be divided into two categorical types:

- "iron knights" - strong-willed men who never allow anyone to show pity towards themselves;

- "little boys" - such men are always looking for a reason to complain to someone.

All women have a maternal instinct, so it is not surprising that most choose "weak" men who need support, care and an open manifestation of love. But this does not mean at all that strong men do not need all this. They are just more shy. us in our emotions, do not show our true desires even to ourselves.

Pity is a kind of expression of psychological help to a man. And the strong usually help the weak. Hence the unwillingness of men to be pitied. So a woman shows her strength, moral superiority over a man, and this, in turn, is considered unacceptable for him. Therefore, you need to regret competently, otherwise your actions will not cause gratitude, but anger and irritation. A “real” man will willingly accept hidden manifestations of pity - help him with deeds, be careful in small things - pour tea, cover him with a blanket in a dream or hug him for no reason. But in no case do not become obsessive - this will not be tolerated by any man. Endless calls, round-the-clock empty chatter and kisses every minute will piss anyone off.

You, like no one else, know the needs of your man - maybe he likes his brush to the left or his morning coffee to be a little cool? So make it so that the man was pleased, and do not demand gratitude, because men in a dejected state sometimes do not notice anyone around them. Be patient and just be there. And if you notice that a man really needs pity, then show it with deeds, not words.

If you have chosen a weak man as a partner, then help him become strong. Do not lisp with him, and do not praise without a reason. Of course, it is also impossible to call him a loser, it is important to objectively evaluate his actions and behavior. Do not look for excuses for his failures, but rather help correct the situation. You should not blindly forgive everything and justify any, even the most ugly actions.

It is important to remain a woman next to your man and not turn into a “mommy” for him. You should be a mother for your children, but not for your husband.

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt sorry for someone close to you? Maybe you are reading this article now because you are experiencing a pity to your partner or spouse? And you don’t know what to do, to part or, having gathered all your strength, continue the relationship, because it’s a pity to quit? ..

In my practice, there are often such requests when, out of a sense of pity, the client cannot make a long-awaited decision, when it is impossible to say “no” to someone close, and he himself no longer has the strength to pull a “dead horse” on himself. Such real stories a pity poisons life and slows down very important processes in relationships.

Like any other feeling, pity has different shades and meanings. Why do we have pity? What feelings can live under the guise of pity? How can pity help and harm the one who experiences it? How is pity useful and harmful for those to whom it is directed?

Article navigation: “Pity: good or bad for relationships? How to be sorry"

What is pity?

In the very definition of "pity" there are such words as compassion, condolences, sympathy. Another interpretation of pity is sadness, sadness towards something / someone.

More closely, CO-suffering is joint suffering or “one disease for two”, joint feeling.

That is, by showing pity, we seem to join the person for some time and together with him “get sick”, together we live through a difficult state for him. This allows us, as it were, to diagnose the condition of our loved one, to vividly imagine what it is like for him. And a person has a feeling that he is not alone, and it becomes easier.

Pity for another. When is pity useful?

We will not talk about a parent's pity for a child, about a person's pity for a sick animal, and so on. There is a slightly different pity, more understandable, not so contradictory.

Pity is more ambiguous in relationships that involve, nevertheless, equal partnership positions. For example, in a couple, in friendships, in relationships of adults. Eric Berne described them as the position of the Adult in relation to the Adult.

Pity is useful in the case when therapeutic support is provided, when we are “sick” together with someone, as if we are getting used to the situation of another, and thus the person is not alone in difficult times, it is easier for him to go through difficult times.

Also, out of pity, we can help a loved one financially by providing some kind of service, or by giving valuable information. And this help will really benefit him.

Pitying and helping a loved one, we look more generous in our own eyes. As a result, self-esteem grows. Sometimes it seems to us that we are more attractive to others at such moments.

The miraculous property of pity for the one who experiences it is a kind of therapy (healing) of oneself. Feeling pity and acting for the benefit of another, we become better and more whole. But it happens if you regret the right way. More on this at the end of the article.

The one who feels pity invariably gets hidden effects from it, sometimes implicit advantages (or secondary benefits).

What else happens when we feel sorry?

We, as it were, artificially rise a step above the person to whom this feeling is directed. This sometimes happens unconsciously. But we still feel it. In a more enhanced form, this flows into pride and arrogance, which, of course, is felt by the other.

A striking example is when the pity of those who serve the "poor" in the transition further enhances the contrast of their "high" position in comparison with his "low", unfortunate one. “I would never have come to this!”

And it doesn't matter that this "beggar" in this way can "earn" more in a day than an ordinary office worker in a week.

Pity preserves the relationship, however, codependent.

Case study: a girl who has already lost her love interest in her boyfriend cannot leave him, and, at the same time, cannot form a healthy union with him. She believes that he loves her deeply, and her pity for him prevents her from ending her sluggish relationship. He often bends under her, scores on himself, on his interests, behaves sacrificially. And if a victim appears in a relationship, a kind of “whipping boy”, then an aggressor invariably appears, usually in the form of a partner.

Let at first we can feel pity for a person and continue our relationship with him, but sooner or later, aggression comes to replace pity. The nature of this aggression is that we are actually angry with ourselves because we cannot afford to break off the relationship, for example, because we believe that we will hurt the person. In our understanding, he will not endure this pain, and from childhood we were taught that hurting others is bad, because after that, what kind of noble person are you?

And then we merge this anger in the form of nit-picking, irritation and other things onto a safe “receiver”, a weaker partner who will swallow it. Besides, it's "he's the cause of remorse" and "I'm wasting my life on him." After that, we may become even worse from a new wave of guilt that he is so good, and I torment him and “everything is always wrong with me.” And hello! Unhealthy relationship continues...

Pity is a substitute for love

I don’t want to say at all that feeling sorry for a loved one is bad. In the Orthodox religion of pity, compassion is given a very important place. In our Russian culture, there has historically been such an understanding that pitying a person is the same as loving him. Many people “recognize” love in this way: I regret it, it means I love it, and vice versa, I love it, it means I regret it.

But, in fact, where there is pity, there is no place for love, which is characteristic of romantic, equal, adult relationships.

We all regret in different ways. According to my observations, I can distinguish three different positions of pity:

• Pity-superiority. When we exalt ourselves over a person, we do something for him from a position from above, “from the master’s shoulder” or with the thought, “here he is poor, he is humiliated like that.” We look like a strict Parent on a helpless Child.

• Pity-sympathy. When we are on an equal footing with the one we pity (true empathy). At such moments, we feel what the other feels. And we pity the other person, not the imagined self.

The first two options are compensatory, not giving free choice in relation to oneself and another person. The third kind of pity is productive, it involves a free choice of how to treat a person, how to help him, and whether to help at all. And in doing so, we bring great benefits to ourselves and to others.

• The risk of spoiling relations with a partner irrevocably. Regretting from the position of the edifying Parent, you can increase the distance and provoke retaliatory aggression. Because, regretting, on a subconscious level, we perceive a person as “pathetic”, weak, inferior. A person subconsciously feels this, and can react with aggression or distance.

• The partner you feel sorry for may at some point feel that an unbearable load is hanging on him moral duty in front of you. And the more you give him, help, regret, the more this "debt" becomes more unbearable. Sometimes, so much so that a person would rather just run away from you, because they are unable to balance the relationship.

• The illusion of one's own success and superiority in contrast. The consciousness that everything is fine with you, and nothing needs to be done beyond what is. fraught with stagnation.

• The denial of the natural course of things: the mistakes of another, the need to bear responsibility for the current situation on their own. Sometimes we think he's just unlucky. But there is this phrase: "Bad luck is a series of wrong choices."

• The opportunity to deprive a person of his sad but necessary experience, the trials he needs in life in order to cope with more complex tasks.

• The risk of being manipulated. As soon as you notice that you feel sorry, be on the lookout. This may be your weak point, a sore point, which - consciously or not - can be used by your loved one. If you don't manage your pity, someone else will. (See also the article " Manipulation in relationships and emotions»)

• Behind the mask of pity for the other in a relationship, it is easy to hide your fear of change. And behind this fear is a deeper fear: to be no longer needed, not valuable, useless. So continue to carry oppressive relationships, depriving ourselves, as well as the one we feel sorry for, of the opportunity to build a truly happy relationship.

• To sympathize, to sympathize, to be on a par with a person in a certain period of time. Try to feel his condition, to understand what is happening. But come back in time, because while condoling, someone must be “healthier” so that both are not “sucked into the swamp”.
• To regret, to understand, but not to make a person “disabled” with his pity and help. Give a hungry fish or teach him how to catch it on his own? There is a difference.
• To cheer up, to believe that a person is not “pathetic”, but full-fledged, and his potential is much greater than it seems to us now. And infect him with this faith.
• To be able to say both "yes" and "no" - as an Adult with his own choice and responsibility.
• Or just step aside. Because our "no" or refusal of pity at all, can become for loved one a powerful delayed-release drug.

At the slightest hint of pity for a partner, I recommend the following:

• fix this moment inside yourself;
• Analyze what specifically caused you pity?
• What other feelings do you have for yourself and for the other?
• what would you like to do about it?
• mentally remove pity from your arsenal of feelings. How would you feel for this person if pity did not exist?

Perhaps, after you at least for a while “push back” pity for another, like a dusty curtain, something real will come in place of this feeling, the way you really want to treat a person. Maybe it will be anger. Maybe indifference. Maybe sincere sympathy. Or maybe love. And after that, you will more clearly know what to do with it next.

But if you feel that pity is uncontrollable and it’s hard for you, or you understand that pity is not what you would like to feel for your loved one, you can contact me for advice to learn how to manage this difficult feeling.

There are people for whom the whole world is gray and sad, they are sad, grouchy and always dissatisfied with everything. Nobody wants to communicate with such whiners - they avoid meeting with them, their calls are not answered, and messages are ignored. Someone more courageous and straightforward will say to such a person: “Just stop feeling sorry for yourself, everything will work out, and people will be drawn to you.” But it's not as easy to do as it is to say. To help those lost in a sea of ​​sadness and sadness, let's figure out what kind of feeling it is, where it comes from, what it leads to, how to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start a full happy life.

Causes

There are many reasons for this complex and difficult psychological condition. Here are the most common:

• Envy. Watching the successes and achievements of others, people often wonder why this is not happening to them. For some, such an observation gives impetus to action, while others simply begin to feel sorry for themselves for the fact that life is so unfair.
• Laziness. Often nothing good happens in a person's life simply because he is too lazy to do at least something, to perform at least some action to achieve the goal. I want everything to happen on its own. And when this does not happen, then the whole world around is to blame for this, and the person himself is so unhappy that everyone around, including himself, should regret and sympathize.
• attention and love. Many confuse these two concepts and find nothing better than, for example, to attract the attention of an object of love or sympathy with the help of complaints and banal whining: “I'm so tired, have pity on me”, “no one loves me, hug me”, etc. Sooner or later, the soulmate gets tired of constantly regretting, the relationship is broken, and then self-flagellation moves to a new level: “I am so unhappy, I said that no one can truly love me” and deep grief and depression begin.

This list is not exhaustive, but, as a rule, many other reasons, when examined in detail, are reduced to one of the above points.

Consequences

What happens to those who feel sorry for themselves too often and selflessly? Their life is bleak and dull, they often remain lonely or destroy all relationships and connections themselves, they rarely achieve success in work or business.

Unfortunately, pathological pity for oneself and one's life often leads not only to severe psychological conditions and depression. This phenomenon can also affect the physical health of a person:

• Arterial pressure. From a state of constant stress and sadness, blood pressure can rise or fall (depending on the characteristics of the body) and ultimately lead to a stroke and other serious diseases.
• Heartbeat. Under the influence of all the same factors, the pulse either quickens or slows down, which disrupts the normal operation of the main motor of the body. Consequences: heart attacks, heart failure, etc.
• Digestive tract. Many seize their pity with sweet, floury or fatty foods in excessive quantities, while others, on the contrary, lose their appetite and even feel nauseated. As a result, weight problems, various diseases of the digestive system, liver, kidneys, and so on.

Moreover, diseases resulting from constant stress in the form of self-pity cause even more Furthermore the same feelings, and everything starts anew and only gets worse. To break this terrible circle, there is nothing better than to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Stop lights

To understand whether the cause of all the troubles in life is really self-pity, it is enough to answer a few simple questions:

• Are all those trials and troubles that fall on your head deserved?
• Is life fair and does it give everyone a chance to succeed?
• Tomorrow everything will change and the world will be a better place?
• No one is to blame for what is happening?
• old grudges and difficult situations long forgotten and no one remembers them anymore?
• Do people around the problem much more serious?

If at least a few questions are answered in the negative, then you urgently need to say “stop” to yourself and find a way, and feel sorry for yourself. Any doubts? Then we re-read the paragraph about the consequences and once again carefully consider everything.

Good start

How to stop feeling sorry for yourself? First you need to figure out exactly what factors cause this feeling. There is a great way to do this:

Step 1. Retire. No one should be around - no family, no friends, no acquaintances, no just passers-by. You can close yourself from everyone at home, you can go to nature or to a sparsely populated park. The main thing is absolute loneliness.

Step 2. Remove all irritants. If loose hair interferes, then they must be collected in a bun or ponytail. If a fly or a mosquito buzzes near the ear, then you need to find another place or drive the pest away. It is better to turn off the mobile phone for a while, and completely remove the tablet from sight.

Step 3. Calm down. Here everyone has their own ways: drink a cup of herbal tea or a glass of weak red wine, give yourself acupressure or count to ten. It is important to achieve a state of calm and tranquility.

Step 4. When the desired state is reached and nothing interferes, you need to get a blank sheet of paper and a pen. Then divide the sheet into two halves and begin to write in one column those factors, circumstances and phenomena that cause or feed For example: overweight, big nose, low wages, lack of friends, etc. The list must be written slowly, thinking over each point and analyzing all aspects of your life.

Step 5. Once all the sorrows and sorrows are on paper, you can begin to fill in the next column. Opposite each item, you must indicate the method of elimination. You need to do this without thinking about the possibilities and prospects, that is, stepping back a little, as if we are talking about someone else. For example:

• overweight - lose weight by 20 kg, go in for sports and eat right;
• big nose - learn how to apply makeup correctly and choose a hairstyle to hide this lack of appearance;
• low wages - find another job;
• lack of friends - meet new people;
• unhappy love - to become beautiful and happy and let him regret the one he lost.

If the list contains difficult items, such as the loss of a loved one or childhood trauma, then a visit to a specialist (psychologist) should be indicated in the column with decisions.

You will get an impressive list of problems and their solutions - this will be an instruction for actions called "How to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start living." Now you need to act and do what is written, while the list itself must be saved in order to mark with a “plus” what has been done and cross out eliminated irritants with bold lines.

This path is not easy, but to make it a little easier, there are some expert tips.

How to stop feeling sorry for yourself and crying when there are like-minded people who understand, support and sympathize? These "well-wishers" must be removed from the environment. If you can’t completely pull away, for example, if this is something, you need to reduce communication to the minimum amount. At the same time, in conversations, choose common topics: about the weather, about nature, about birds, etc. And do not give yourself the opportunity to feel sorry for yourself. Stop, as they say, "on the vine."

How to stop regretting missed opportunities? Use new! Every minute of your life must be devoted to some business. Find yourself a thousand and one things to do. The main thing is that there is no time left for pity and reflection on what could have been. Work, dance, knit, sew, volunteer, grow flowers on the windowsill and much, much more. So life will become more interesting and full, and there will be no time for pity and tears.

It is vital for a person to communicate with his own kind, so it's time to make new acquaintances and renew the old lost connections. The main thing is not to complain to anyone about anything, otherwise all efforts will be in vain. For friendship, close relationships or just an interesting pastime, it is better to choose those people who have an active and positive life position. It's easy to get today: social media, dating clubs, various "interest circles", etc.

Happiness and success can be inspired in the same way as pity and sadness. Every morning, immediately after waking up, and every evening, before going into the world of dreams, be sure to repeat to yourself: “I am happy. Everything is fine with me, and the new day will bring me only success and good luck. You need to repeat this, no matter what, even if there are temporary difficulties or troubles. Self-hypnosis is a very important good tool for those who are wondering how to stop feeling sorry for themselves.

Little indulgence

Of course, this list of recommendations is not complete. Everyone can, if desired, find for themselves their own way, how to stop feeling sorry for themselves and start acting. And if sometimes it’s completely unbearable, then you can give yourself a little indulgence. For example, once a month, give yourself an hour or two of time to realize what happened in life and feel sorry for yourself. But let this relaxation end not with a long depression, but with a list of new tasks to achieve great goals and victories.

As a rule, people are always dissatisfied with something. And they begin to complain about their fate, not thinking about the fact that we ourselves are the masters of our lives. Our entire environment, our relationships with those close to us depend only on ourselves.

people. All that we have, with what people we communicate, are our thoughts.

People often say: "what I don't have good child, completely bloomed", "what a bad wife", and vice versa: "what a bad neighbor", etc. And then they begin to complain. What are they waiting for ?, why are they complaining? They are waiting to be pitied. Is it worth it? It's not worth regretting at all. When we regret, we already on a subconscious level involve ourselves in the problem of this person. And we ourselves begin to live his problems, those that he created for himself. We live not our own life, but someone else's, the life of this person.

His negativity, aggression are transmitted to us automatically. And pitying him, we experience aggression to everything that surrounds us, and hence to the world around us. And then everything comes back to us. Pitying another, we aggravate our lives. And then everything goes along the chain. It turns out that we did not help the person, but rather increased aggression even more. So we did not do good, but we did evil.

When you begin to feel sorry for another, you deprive him of the right to be himself. We do not notice how we become a victim of that situation. And the one who complains is a tyrant. He begins to suck a little energy out of us, shifting his responsibility to others. Therefore, - becomes a vampire, and we are a bucket where you can pour all the garbage. And then we also begin to complain to others and say: "I'm not feeling well," "I have a headache." And others pick up these words and absorb them. Then we grab the pills without thinking at all about the cause of the pain.

So everything goes along the chain at the subconscious level. We don't think about what main reason in ourselves - we began to regret. You need to pity those people who, pitying others, sacrifice themselves. And don't complain, you have to start with yourself.

If necessaryfeel sorry for the person? How to respond to pity? You can help in different ways. But just do not regret, but look at the situation. And you need to say directly: "why are you telling me this?" A person will immediately think, and ask himself: "really, why?", "What will it give me, will he help me, I myself have to figure it out." Ask: "Maybe you want me to listen to you (a)?" And if he wishes. Listen. Show love, mercy to this person. This attitude helps us to be sensitive, as well as attentive to other people and to ourselves.

Take it as a lesson that you need to change something in yourself. Look positive. Be grateful to him. After all, through it you receive a signal - to understand yourself. Thank the person for prompting you.