As the famous Sigmund Freud used to say, almost all of our problems, complexes and other troubles have their roots in childhood, that is, all this develops in childhood under the influence of various negative factors. Young children begin to get acquainted with the feeling of resentment somewhere from the age of two.

Until this age, babies may feel anger, but not resentment. Children often adopt this emotion from their elders and begin to manipulate adults with the help of their grievances. Together with you, we will figure out where grievances come from and how to compete with them?

This emotion arises when there is a situation of discrepancy between the expected behavior of a person and his real act. Thus, the feeling of resentment includes three aspects:

• setting expectations;
• observation of actions;
• juxtaposition of aspirations and reality.

Simply put, we expect understanding from a partner or friend, some actions in our direction, but we do not tell him about it.

And we even ate and say that we firmly believe that a person will do exactly as we ask, regardless of their own desires and capabilities.

Of course, in a family and relationships, we all, without exception, expect love, respect, care. But, importantly, for some reason we are in no hurry to talk about our desires.

Moreover, we have a relationship model firmly in our head (based on the parental family or series and ladies' novels), not realizing that our partner may have a different relationship model in his mind.

But if you think about it, this model of behavior is fundamentally wrong! After all, no one owes anyone anything!

It is very stupid to devote your life to a person, forgetting about yourself. It just means that you don't value yourself, and you won't get anything out of the relationship. So it turns out that all our life we ​​have been waiting for something from a person who, in principle, cannot give us this!

Resentment against loved ones

All worthwhile relationships have only one future - bright and beautiful. Everything good that we get in a relationship, we should appreciate as a gift.

It is not so easy to offend us to strangers, but it is very easy for a close person. After all, we do not expect anything from an outsider, and therefore we are not angry. But casually thrown rudeness or a caustic remark from a loved one hurts very much.

Roots of resentment

Undoubtedly, some deep emotional trauma always “sits” at the root of resentment. Often an inferiority complex is to blame. Constant self-doubt, low self-esteem, inability to take responsibility - all this only complicates your relationships with loved ones.

This is the eternal expectation that you will suddenly be appreciated, that you will be helped to do something for you. When it doesn't, you get very upset.

You can of course hold other people responsible for your happiness and success. But then these people will always influence your mood and attitude. Your happiness is only in your hands, do not put it in the hands of others.

Is it necessary to fight it

Don't think that these are just big words. Internal grievances, like unhealed wounds, do not allow us to love and live life to the fullest, lead to diseases and even death.

Make a choice right now, once they forever take life into their own hands. Manage your resentment completely, do not let this emotion control you. It is like a poison that eats away at your being.

Being able to manage your emotions is an indisputable advantage of a person at any time. We have selected for you ten most effective practices for getting rid of this destructive emotion, exercising in which you will gradually cope with it.

Pull yourself together and never make serious decisions in a state of resentment. Know how to take control of your emotions.

Running and hitting back the offender is not the best option. Take his photograph, and if not, a soft toy or pillow. Imagining that this object is the offender who appeared before you - speak out to him.

Explain in detail what specifically touched you and did not suit you. This task will teach you to clearly and clearly indicate what you want and what you don’t want at all.

Take an object (a soft toy, for example) and imagine that your offender is in front of you. Express all your pain and bitterness through the physical impact on this subject. If you want to cry - feel free to shed tears!

If speaking out is a problem for you, just write a letter to the offender. Pour on paper what you think about the situation that hurts you. After passing this practice, the letter can be destroyed.

Learn to conduct a constructive dialogue, without unnecessary emotions and insults. In a conversation with the offender, you should not use "you-messages", but the "I-message" model. That is, do not tell the interlocutor: “You offended me!”. Tell the person who offended you: “I am very offended, your words (actions) upset me very much.”

After all, if a person is accused of something, he begins to defend himself. But if you say everything that you feel, perhaps the offender will be imbued and think about his behavior.

Put yourself in the place of the offender, perhaps he does this unconsciously. Or they just don't pay attention to their actions. It is even possible that this person has become accustomed to this behavior pattern since childhood.

Oddly enough, you can say "Thank you!" to your offender. After all, he revealed your weaknesses, and now you have something to work on.

It may sound silly, but you need to forgive yourself for being offended. Forgive yourself and it will get easier.

Try to understand once and for all that the actions of people, for the most part, are neither good nor bad.

Go over in your mind all your acquaintances and friends, are there people among them who are never offended? Why do you think they are so persistent? And the thing is that these people are very self-confident, their self-esteem is simply impenetrable for insults. These people are the masters of their lives, they do not depend on others, but rely only on themselves.

So how do you deal with resentment?

• do not smack a fever - do not solve important issues in a state of anger;
• if grievances are your regular guests, consider why this is happening. You may have self-esteem issues. Of course, you won't solve it in one day. But when you become more confident in yourself, the offenders around will decrease for sure;
• do not accumulate resentment in yourself, because they can become the causes of diseases and disorders. Forgive the offense and live life to the fullest!

Many people can live their lives loaded with resentment. The feeling of resentment is inextricably linked with the psychological aspects of its occurrence. Grievances are very diverse, they can stem from childhood, new ones appear, acquire new additional moments.

The word itself suggests a focus on the past, or rather, bad events.

This feeling actually harms a person. This feeling allows you to manipulate another person.

Sometimes people can be offended on purpose to control any person in order to get something for themselves. Such people understand that with the help of resentment they can achieve a lot from the right person.

Consequences of frequent grievances

Resentment- this is an emotion that does not allow you to feel the joy of the world around you. There are such acute grievances that people cannot do without a specialist who will help get rid of it. Only a psychologist will help to understand the cause of this emotion and prevent its degeneration into a disease.

Some scientists say that resentment can also undermine health. Even a theory has been put forward that resentment can cause cancer, since such a person cannot forgive, and she gnaws at him from the inside. No one can change the past

If a person is not ready for some event or does not accept it, then in this case a feeling of resentment arises. Frequent repetition develops into a chronic form, which is called touchiness. Adults are quite able to control emotions and deal with resentment, but it is very difficult for a child. Resentment, if it occurs infrequently, once, is a completely natural emotion, but it is worth getting rid of resentment.

A person can show resentment in different ways.

Some people stop communicating with the offender, others express all sorts of claims against him, others cry and are silent. And these are just some examples. But no matter what is done, the environment will not change, it is tantamount to trying to change today's rainy weather. The abuser does not care what the person feels, and he can also find many excuses for himself.

Another important point: if a person experiences acute resentment, then this situation may seem completely trifling to the offender. Maybe you are not very significant for such a person, or maybe this person himself expects more. Not all people are benevolent and noble, but many people are friendly and sympathetic and not everyone appreciates their good qualities.

How to overcome unfairly caused grief

To overcome this feeling, you need to work on yourself. A balanced person, a mature person reacts adequately to insults, such people are guided by reason, not feelings. You can simply tell your opponent that his words hurt the soul. Then the offender will explain his position with reasonable arguments. He will have a feeling of remorse, shame. He will ask for forgiveness.

Be sure to find out the reasons for disappointment. A mature person will strive for this. The reason must be sought not only in the opponent, but also in oneself. Say not only “you are to blame”, but also think about “why I am offended.”

Very often people try to replace the insult with a joyful mood, but then it goes into the unconscious. Such an approach will certainly cause a depressive state in the future, because the offense has not gone away, it has not been let out. It is most reasonable to pronounce them, to find out the source of resentment.

Do not forget that it is also necessary to offend other people correctly. You should not insult a person, you need to give an explanation of the current situation, explain what caused the offense. The opponent will ask what he did and as a result of the dialogue the problem will be settled.

You can't hide your feelings

This approach will allow you to better understand others and yourself, remove offensive moments from your thoughts. When feelings are spoken out, the reason for resentment becomes clearer. Therefore, you should not be ashamed of your experiences, emotions, talk about them. Thanks to this method, it is easy to deal with grievances, and they will not develop into resentment.

It is worth remembering the main rule: you cannot subordinate people's lives to suit yourself and your requirements. It is very important to learn to look for reasons in yourself, not to shift the blame on other people. Nobody owes anyone anything. If you take this position into service, then it will be easy to experience resentment.

But there are people who specifically affect a person, look for weaknesses in him, offend him intentionally. In this case, you should not react violently, be offended, shout. Let this situation be a lesson to perceive intentional insults as the sound of the wind.

Many psychologists advise a variety of techniques for dealing with resentment. One of the interesting ones is writing a letter to your abuser. You need to write it alone, pour out all your feelings and thoughts, perhaps even insults, onto a sheet. After such an exercise, a person will definitely feel better.

Video. Why can't you be offended by your parents?

It is very difficult to live with constant resentment. This condition depresses, does not allow to fully enjoy life. It is necessary to forgive offenders, to justify them, to understand. Thus, the person himself becomes much better.

Resentment is something that haunts every person almost every day. All people are constantly offended by someone or offend someone. However, everyone is already so accustomed to considering resentment as something everyday that they do not notice how much damage it causes to each of the participants. It can have serious consequences in the future, so you should think about how to deal with resentment. After all, it depends on you how much this or that case will affect your psyche. And if you can’t get over the feelings that gnaw at you on your own, this article will offer you several ways to deal with resentment. Study them, choose the ones that suit you best, try them individually or in combinations. It is very important to learn how to deal with resentment. Pretty soon you will realize: without it, your life is much better.

Resentment: how to deal with it

So, in this article, you will learn how to deal with resentment. However, for this you need to understand what it is and why it manifests itself. Resentment is the feeling that a person experiences when something unpleasant is said or done to him. However, it has differences from anger and other manifestations of negative emotions. Most often, it is hidden, that is, a person feels that he is unpleasant, but does not tell the person who offended him about it. It is because of this that problems arise. The fact is that resentment tends to accumulate, as well as an even more dangerous property - to grow. If someone offended you, then it is best to resolve the situation as soon as possible, because the more resentment “ripens” inside you, the worse it will be for you. The person who gave you this unpleasant feeling may not even know about it. But at the same time, you have already gone through hundreds of situations in your head and inflated your resentment to unprecedented proportions. Although it could start with any little thing.

The thing is that resentment is a manifestation of the inner child inside each of the people. You may be twenty-five or fifty years old, still deep down you still have a part of the childish ego. And because of this, an irrational reaction to the statement or action of a person occurs. Resentment lies within a person and does not go outside. And it can take a serious toll on your mental health. If you accumulate grievances and do not learn how to deal with them, then this can seriously affect your condition. That is why you need to learn how to deal with resentment. And this article will help you with this.

Talk

The first thing you need to understand if you want to know how to deal with resentment is that the person who hurt you can't read minds. Often, he cannot know that you did not like what he said or did. Therefore, first of all, you need to try to suppress the childish ego in yourself at least a little in order to make room for rational thinking. How can a person feel guilty if he does not know that he is being blamed? Naturally, he will not come to you since he has no idea that he should do it. Therefore, you should definitely talk to this person. Tell him that you were offended by his particular remark and behavior. In most cases, this works flawlessly. The person who offended you, if you approach him calmly, and not with accusations on the forehead, will also look at the situation from a rational point of view and understand what exactly he did wrong. This is the easiest way to deal with resentment towards a person. However, there are other methods that may seem more convenient or effective to someone. They can also be used when the first method didn't work.

Forgiveness

A lot of women are wondering how to deal with resentment towards a man. After all, if you are in a relationship, then, most likely, the first method does not always work - you know each other too well for one of you to remain in the dark about the fact that he offended his partner. This method, which will be described now, is not only suitable for this case - you can use it in any situation in life. Its essence lies in the simplest forgiveness. When you resent a person, you harm mostly only yourself, so you should learn to forgive insults without the participation of the other side. Instead of holding the resentment within yourself, forgive the person who hurt you. Naturally, if he continues to do this, then other actions will have to be taken, but if this is an isolated case, forgiveness may be the best option. So, if you are wondering how to deal with it, you should definitely try to just forgive him, because you must not forget that he is the closest person to you in the world.

Lesson

If you're wondering how to deal with resentment and anger, then you probably haven't tried to look a little deeper inside yourself. Often, even something positive can be learned from resentment. If you have been offended, you can alleviate your suffering by introspection. Think about what caused such strong feelings. Most likely, the person touched you for something that is very important to you - what is it? Think about it and try to draw conclusions from it. As you can see, you can take something positive out of any situation that can help you in later life.

Understanding

When you think about how to cope with a bad mood, irritation, resentment, you most often think only of yourself. This is a completely normal trait for a person, but sometimes it’s worth looking a little further than your own “I”. Almost always, an insult is perceived as a personal insult, and rare people immediately begin to think logically and assume that it may not be about them at all. Sometimes someone can offend you by accident because something happened to him in his family or some important plans for him failed. And you just fell under the hot hand. Therefore, you should not harbor resentment, because after a few hours a person may already bounce back and forget about how he said something to you, and you will still be offended by him. Try to understand the people around you, as often you will be in their place and you will most likely want to be understood too, and not immediately judged harshly.

Analysis

This paragraph is a kind of combination of some of the previous ones, since it will ask you to analyze the situation. If you want to learn how to deal with resentment and negative emotions, you need to think soberly and not give in to manifestations of strong feelings. Analyze the situation: if you were offended by a stranger whom you most likely will never meet again, then you should not think about this offense at all. Forget about her and never remember, so that she does not interfere with your life. If the offense was caused by someone close and this happened not for the first time, then other measures will have to be used. Just remember that in this situation, your main weapon is a calm conversation, not harsh accusations.

expectations

It often happens that resentment arises because the person simply did not live up to your expectations. You implied that he would act in a certain way, since you are friends, colleagues, relatives, and so on, but he acted in a completely different way, and for this you are offended by him. If you soberly look at such a situation from the outside, you will understand that this is stupid and irrational. It has already been written above that no one is able to read your thoughts, so you should either announce them, or not require a person to do what he does not consider necessary. If you think that your friend should have helped you in a particular situation, tell him about it or just forget and do not expect from him what he was not going to do and is not going to.

NLP

There is such a technique as Neuro Linguistic Programming, NLP for short. With its help, the most difficult problems that people have are often solved, and it also allows you to cope with grievances. One of the most striking examples is the burning of a leaf with grievances. You need to write down on a piece of paper all the grievances that a person inflicted on you, throw out all your emotions on paper, and then burn this sheet, imagining how they burn in the fire. It looks rather strange, but in fact it turns out to be an extremely effective method. You are programming yourself for your happiness, and listing grievances and burning a sheet is just a symbol that allows you to convince yourself as simply as possible that you yourself are the master of your happiness.

Another option

Recently, NLP has become more and more popular, so this article will provide another way that relates to this technique. You need to write on paper the name of your offender and what exactly he did to you. After that, you need to write that you are for him. Repeat this several dozen times a day until your resentment goes away due to the fact that you will program yourself for forgiveness by constantly repeating the action. Naturally, this approach should only be used if you are unable to forgive the person without some outside help.

Steam release

Well, another option that will allow you to forget the offense and cheer yourself up is to let off steam. If you have a good, if not, take a pillow or something like that. Well, then everyone understands what needs to be done: imagine that this is your offender, and let off steam on him. Naturally, such an approach is recommended to be used for strangers or not the closest people, such as, for example, the boss, and not the mother or husband.

To get a personal response from the priest. But some of the questions cannot be answered in one letter - they require a detailed conversation. Sometimes not only with a priest, but also with a psychologist. Recently, we received a letter from a reader who is very worried because of her oppressive feelings of resentment towards a small child. Where does this feeling come from and how to deal with it? We asked our regular author and psychologist Alexander Tkachenko to answer this letter.

Letter from a reader

I often resent my son. He is only five years old, but he always argues with me, snaps, and sometimes just does something on purpose to spite me. I try to explain to him that it’s not good to do this, but usually I get so offended that I just go to my room and cry. Then my son comes to me as if nothing had happened. And I want him to understand how much I was hurt by his behavior. And I continue to resent him. He comes and wants us to play together or I read him a book. And I'm lying on the couch with a stone face and pretending not to notice him. He gets scared, starts crying, says "mommy, I'm sorry." I feel very sorry for him at such moments, but I do not believe that he really realized how he offended me. And I continue to be offended.

I myself from these recurring stories is very bad. I understand that being offended is a sin, and even more so - being offended by a little son. But I can't help myself. On the other hand, there is a commandment “honor your parents”. And my son treats me like his peer - he is rude, does not obey, all the time he wants everything to be just for him. I'm raising him alone, we don't have a dad. And I don't know what to do with all this. Resentment is the wrong feeling, but I can’t overcome it.

Svetlana

How to unpack “packaged anger”

Psychologist Alexander Tkachenko answers the reader's question

From the point of view of psychology, there are no feelings of "right" or "wrong." There are simply feelings that a person experiences and which are not an annoying or harmful mistake. Each of them is quite real, each of them should be reckoned with and treated with respect. And even more so - when behind them is human pain, suffering, spiritual wound.
A mother's resentment towards her little child is a very strong and painful feeling. And when they devalue it, declare it “wrong” and explain in detail to tired, exhausted mothers why they should not experience it, this is about the same as telling a person with a bad tooth why he himself is to blame for his suffering.

Mothers resent their children. It's just a fact of their emotional life, arising in conditions of prolonged stress caused by overwork, chronic lack of sleep, lack of support from relatives, high responsibility for the life and health of their baby. To give a negative assessment of this fact is a deliberately senseless and merciless thing, which only adds to the bitterness of the insult also the bitterness of guilt for this insult. Therefore, we will simply try here to talk about what resentment is, describe the mechanism of its occurrence and talk about how you can deal with this painful feeling.

In psychology, resentment has several names. For example: resentment is an unexpressed demand. Indeed, this feeling arises when you think that your rights were infringed in some way, you were insulted, hurt, but for some reason you could not demand from your offenders that they stop behaving like that.

Resentment is sometimes called a childish feeling. This does not mean that only children can be offended. It’s just that in communicating with parents, it is the child who very often encounters the impossibility of expressing his demands to them and is forced to suppress the erupted emotions, because he already knows from sad experience that their open expression will not end in anything good for him.
What emotions does a child have to restrain in communicating with dad, mom, grandmother? Of course, this is anger, irritation, annoyance, anger. A child, like any other living being, experiences them from time to time. But any attempt to express them to the parents is usually suppressed, and sometimes very harshly.

Hence another definition - packaged anger. In fact, resentment is a complex emotion, consisting of two simpler components: self-pity and anger at the offender. It arises where a person, against his will, was forced to stop this anger, "pack" it, did not let it splash out on the one who caused the pain.

Oddly enough, resentment also has quite constructive functions that allow minimizing the dangerous consequences of a conflict between loved ones.

After all, most of all we experience the pain and injustice caused by those whose attitude we value, whom we would not want to lose. If the relationship with the person who hurt our feelings is not too important for us, we usually give a worthy rebuff, defend ourselves or attack, according to the threat that has arisen. A completely different situation develops when a spiritual wound is inflicted by a person with whom one would not want to quarrel. Then you have to suppress the outbreak of aggression and live with this “packed” anger for some time, until the feelings calm down at least a little and it becomes possible to talk about them without shouting and breaking dishes.

Trying to keep relationships from breaking up, we give up immediate self-defense. But at the same time, we are still hurt, offended and very sorry for ourselves. This bitter cocktail of repressed anger and self-pity manifests itself on the bodily level in a very specific way. Resentment is easily read on a person's face by trembling lips, eyes full of pain and disappointment, jerky movements. Or - if the reaction is dominated not by self-pity, but by anger at the offender - by tightly clenched jaws, pursed lips, and a fixed look.

Such a spontaneously erupted resentment is both a brake on retaliatory aggression in the offended person and an important social signal for the offender, by which he can easily determine that his words or deeds hurt and that the situation needs to be urgently corrected. But this happens only in the case when both parties to the conflict are interested in continuing the relationship and have a certain degree of emotional maturity that allows them not to “get stuck” in this phase. Then, as soon as the pain from resentment subsides a little, the offended person has the opportunity to present it to his partner, to talk about his feelings. And the offender - to show compassion, regret, ask for forgiveness. In such a situation, resentment acts like a beacon, which, on a stormy night, signals to the captain with its fire: be careful, your ship has lost its course and is heading straight for the rocks.

These are the normal functions of resentment when it comes to the relationship of emotionally mature people who are not prone to manipulation.

But it also happens that quite adult people are used to declaring any of their needs only in such a “childish” way, through resentment. And then pursed lips and a fixed look can turn into a powerful tool for influencing a partner, into emotional "torture pliers" with which such immature children will constantly pull anything out of each other - from assurances of love and fidelity to a trip to a resort or buying a new one. car.

And then we can say that a person’s resentment has turned into a form of passion. In the Christian understanding, passion is a certain property of human nature, which was originally kind and useful, but later turned out to be mutilated beyond recognition by misuse and turned into a dangerous disease.

From a reasonable way to keep a flash of anger and show the offender that he is causing you suffering, resentment can also turn into its passionate, sick form. This happens when a person “gets stuck” in his resentment for a long time and even begins to receive some paradoxical pleasure from it. In the Orthodox tradition, such a passion is called memory-spite. The Monk John of the Ladder found a very expressive image to describe her: "... a nail plunged into the soul, an unpleasant feeling, beloved in affliction with delight."

Resentment is a mechanism for containing anger and signaling to a partner about the pain caused to us. But in this capacity, it "works" only when it comes to people with approximately the same experience of understanding the feelings of another person.

What happens when the participants in the conflict have an unequal experience, like, for example, a mother and her five-year-old son? For ease of understanding, consider this situation in parts.

Question one: Can a mother be angry with her child? Yes, easily! She is a living person and is capable of experiencing a feeling of anger, for example, when a child is naughty to the extent, stops obeying, does not want to clean up toys after herself. It is only in children's books and cartoons that mothers are always kind, affectionate, understanding and infinitely patient. In real life, any mom can have any number of "feisty" situations. Even the most harmless things can make her angry if she is very tired, if she has not had enough sleep for many nights, or simply feels unwell.

Question two: Will such an angry mother become aggressive towards her child? There are different options here. But still, as far as she has the strength, any mother tries to restrain herself in such situations, and the reasons for this, probably, do not need to be explained.

Question three: what is the name of the feeling that arises when anger that has barely flared up is immediately suppressed and “packed”, finding no way out in aggressive behavior? That's right, that's what it is - an insult. With clenched jaws, pursed lips and a fixed gaze, fixed on nowhere.

And now it's time for the fourth, most important question: can a five-year-old child correctly “read” these signs of resentment on her mother’s face and understand that she is now in pain and bad, that her mother needs to be pitied and supported? With all certainty, we can say that at this age the child does not yet know how to recognize the feelings of other people so subtly. He is not yet able, seeing the changed mother's face, to immediately say: “Mommy, dear, it seems that I did something wrong. Tell me what upset you?" Most likely, he will not notice this change at all and will continue to behave further as if nothing had happened.

A very important conclusion follows from this.

In a relationship with a child, the signaling function of resentment does not work. Not because he is so cruel and heartless. But because he is small and is still poorly able to understand feelings, both others' and his own.

In this situation, resentment can only half fulfill its tasks: it helps the mother to restrain her anger and not splash it out on a child who does not understand anything. But you will have to tell him about your feelings, as they say, in plain text. Without expecting miracles of insight from him, unusual for his age.

It would seem that what is easier is to tell your son or daughter about how you feel now. However, even here there is a rule, without which such a conversation, most likely, will lead nowhere. The rule is this:

you need to talk only about yourself and your feelings, without shifting responsibility for them to the child.

For example, instead of “you see what you brought me to!”, say: “I am very sad now and I want to cry. I don't like it when we fight." With such a construction of phrases, the mother helps the baby not only learn to understand her feelings, but also talk about her experiences, share them. Indeed, often the child is harmful only because he does not know how to correctly express what he now feels, what upsets or angers him.

Of course, we are not talking here about indulging children in any of their whims. Without reasonable restrictions, education is impossible. But in the case of resentment towards the child, the mother first of all needs to learn how to cope with her emotions. And another rule can be a serious help in this:

In no case should you use resentment against a child as an “educational tool”.

This happens when a mother holds her resentment for a long time, demonstrating it in every possible way in order to arouse feelings of guilt and remorse in the child. Alas, nothing good will come of such "education". The child does not understand the reasons for her behavior, he only sees that his mother no longer loves him, does not want to talk and play with him. Such deprivation of maternal love for him is a disaster. No matter how much he harms before this, his mother is still the most important person in the world for him, she herself is this world, and her care and love is the life force, without which the child will simply die.

Looking at his mother's petrified face, at her pursed lips, hearing her cold "go away, I don't want to talk to you", he only sees that his mother rejected him. His little world is collapsing, he is horrified by the impending death and understands only one thing: in order to survive, you need to beg forgiveness from your mother at any cost. The child, of course, does not see any connection between what is happening with the recent conflict over scattered toys or uneaten porridge. He's just not up to it, he's scared and depressed. In his sobbing "mommy, I'm sorry" only a request to return the love, life and peace that he lost overnight. And when mom asks in the same icy tone: “Why forgive you?”, He is completely lost, because he has no answer. And this makes the mother even more angry, she considers his behavior insincere and continues to punish the delinquent child with her protracted resentment. Then, of course, she will forgive him, hug him, pat him on the head and say: “Well, now you understand that you can’t do this?” And the tearful child obediently nods, clinging to the warm mother's hand. But instead of an instructive lesson, he will take out of this story only the experience of rejection.

Now he knows that his mother can deprive him of her love at any moment and that it hurts a lot. The world ceases to be safe for him in the very core of his childhood - in his relationship with his mother. Living in such an unsafe world becomes scary.

And the more often the mother will resort to such "educational measures", the less chance she will have to achieve the desired result. The fact is that in repetitive painful situations, the child's psyche simply reduces sensitivity to them so as not to collapse from pain and horror. But it is impossible to selectively weaken the feeling of pain alone. Therefore, the child's general ability to experience any feelings is reduced. His soul freezes, like the heart of Kai from the fairy tale about the Snow Queen. He will also experience joy "half-heartedly", and along with his pain, he will no longer feel someone else's.

But the most devastating consequence of such “upbringing” is the conviction for the child that love must be earned, that only the good, who do not make mistakes, do everything and always only right, are loved. From a Christian point of view, this is a completely wrong view. God says that love is given not according to the merits of the receiver, but according to the goodness of the giver: ... love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you and pray for those who despitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in Heaven, for He commands His sun to rise over the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward will you have? Do not the publicans do the same? (Matthew 5:44-46).

Yes, a mother can get angry at her child because of her infirmity. Yes, she is able to immediately “pack” her anger into an insult so as not to frighten the child during a quarrel. But consciously using this offense as a way of education makes no sense. Yes, and this method is too expensive then it will cost both the child and the mother.

There can be any number of reasons for a mother to be offended by her child. And each of them is important to her, no matter how insignificant it may seem from the outside. After all, this is her life, her pain and tears, her hands lowered from impotence. To reproach her for such an insult means to deprive her of the remnants of confidence in her maternal viability, to load her with a new portion of guilt and a consciousness of her own worthlessness.

However, there is one general reason that underlies many private grievances of this kind. Knowing about it, it will be easier for mothers to cope with their feelings in difficult situations with a child. The fact is that the mother spends the first months and years of a child's life with him in almost complete emotional fusion. After nine months of pregnancy, when both of their hearts beat in her body and for two there was one of her breaths, mother will perceive the child as part of herself for a long time to come. She will feel his emotions and desires as her own, from the shades of his crying she knows for sure whether his tummy hurts, whether he is hungry, or he is simply tired of lying in wet diapers. She needs this maternal hypersensitivity in order to understand the needs of the baby, which he still does not know how to put into words.

But when this period of natural fusion ends, and at about three years old the child has its first major crisis of separation from the mother, it can be very difficult for her to get out of this habitual relationship. It is here that the very basis for various grievances against the child appears.

After a long emotional fusion, a mother may unconsciously perceive her child as an equal to herself. And from here to resentment for any reason - at hand.

“Why is he angry and yelling at me, and I have to be silent and smile in response? Why is he mischievous on a walk, and I have to endure it and not be mischievous in return? In general, why do I owe him something all the time, but he doesn’t owe me anything?

Simply put, a mother’s resentment appears exactly where she either perceives the child as an equal adult, or she emotionally “falls” into childhood and sees herself as a little defenseless girl who is offended by this angry boy, whom for some reason everyone calls her son.

And if you learn to see these "failures" in an imaginary equality with the child, then there will be many times less resentment, and it will become much easier to experience them. There are no clever psychological techniques here. It is enough just to be aware of such a danger and not deceive yourself when the mind says: “here, now you have again put yourself and the baby on the same level. Be careful, resentment wanders somewhere nearby.

The rest is a matter of skill. Having stopped herself in this way at least once, the mother gets a new experience, which she can then rely on with more confidence. A child is not equal to an adult, he is still only being formed as a person. And on this path, sometimes very unexpected discoveries await him and his mother.

For example, there are situations when children seem to test their parents for strength with their antics. But even in this case, they have a very specific task - to check to what extent our love for them extends. Are we ready to love them like this? But like this? Or even like this?

And the adulthood of parents is manifested here precisely in the ability, without collapsing, to perceive children's anger, resentment, insults and give feedback in which there will not be the same feelings, but there will be a clearly readable answer: yes, I love you even like that, I'm ready to be next to you and support you, help you. Such behavior is very calming for children, because this is the behavior of a strong, older one. The one on whom you can rely, who can withstand what children have not yet learned to withstand.

The command to honor parents in the Old Testament is a very serious law. This can be judged at least by the fact that its violators of the law of Moses prescribed to be stoned: Whoever speaks evil of his father or his mother must be put to death (Exodus 21:17). However, this commandment is not just a generic or everyday character. The fact is that the people of Israel were primarily a religious community. And the father and mother in this community were the very first teachers of the law for a person. They were the first to tell him about God, how to live righteously before Him on earth, and taught him to distinguish between good and evil. Those who did not honor their parents-teachers did not honor the law itself. Those who rejected the law also rejected God, which means that they became good-for-nothing people who in the ancient world had no place among the living.

Such is the internal logic of this commandment, which certainly assumed that the father and mother would in word, deed and by their own example instruct their children in a righteous life.

Used drawings by Ekaterina Roiz

To overcome the feeling of resentment associated with it. I strongly recommend that you read it before reading this one.

In a nutshell, let's remember what we were talking about. The wrong solutions are:

1. Hold a grudge
2. Cry to friends/family
3. Look for external solutions

Now, starting from an understanding of what cannot be done and why, you can start a conversation about what to do next.

How to deal with resentment after a breakup

From what I wrote in the first part of the article, a controversial story may develop. On the one hand, it is impossible to keep emotions in oneself, and on the other hand, it is also not recommended to pour out this negativity on other people.

Accordingly, we need an approach that would allow us to express and realize our emotions at the same time, and at the same time would not involve other people. The ideal solution, which is also advised by many psychologists in articles on this topic, is write down your emotions on paper. This is the first step.

Step 1: Write out your emotions

It is not necessary to take paper and a pen - a text editor will also work. In this work, you have several important tasks:

1. Describe in as much detail as possible your resentment from parting.
2. Describe possible reasons for your emotions
3. Describe all the decisions you made in connection with the breakup
4. Throw out any negativity (swearing is appropriate)
5. Write down any thoughts about the breakup that came up in the process of writing out the previous points.

Note that this is exactly what you do with your female friends when you meet them with the desire to console yourself with their company. You describe exactly what happened, describe your emotions, make some decisions, splash out any negativity, express any thoughts about it. If you find it difficult to write down all these things, imagine that you are in a circle of friends who are ready to support you in every possible way and justify your emotions. What will you tell them about how you feel?

The advantage of writing out your emotions, as opposed to shedding bitter tears to friends, is that such work forces you to be more aware. When you break the bones of someone in the company of friends, you - ready to bet - never Don't ask yourself, "Why am I feeling these emotions?"

At the same time, if you pay attention to the second point, you will have to start learning to understand yourself and write out not only what is on your mind, but also your guesses about the cause of your emotions. It's okay if it's difficult at first - if you work seriously and systematically (more on that at the end of the article), then this skill - to recognize your emotions and the reasons for their occurrence - will be worked out automatically.

Well, let's say you made the decision to sit down at the computer and properly paint your emotions “on the shelves” - albeit clumsily. What to do next?

… you will have to start learning to understand yourself and write out … the causes of your emotions.

There should have been Step 2, but we have to pause a little. Before proceeding to further actions, I have to ask you, dear reader, why are you here at all?

What does it mean to you to let go of resentment? Does this mean discarding the negative and moving on with your life, without fooling yourself because of a recent breakup? Or does this mean eliminating the resentment that has settled in the subconscious so that such episodes do not arise in the future?

If you choose the first, then you need advice on short term overcoming resentment. You just need to do something now so as not to suffer, and then life will get better on its own. If this is about you, then here it is, Step 2:

Step 2. Do Nothing

Everyone, congratulations! All necessary work has been done. You have already written out your negative emotions. You met with them face to face, which already prevented them from settling in the subconscious a little. You may even have learned something new about yourself. Not only that, you managed not to confuse anyone with your negativity, it's great!

Why is there nothing more to be done? Because if you are a mentally healthy person, your pain from resentment cannot be felt. sharply too long. Your mind will protect itself by “shoveling” your resentment deeper into the subconscious so that you can move on with your life. No wonder the wisdom says "Time heals" ...

Over time, the suffering from resentment will stop, and the pain of parting will subside. You will be able to live as you lived before, and maybe even better. You may find yourself a new partner - or maybe not. Howbeit, clearly you will not suffer from a recent breakup. In extreme cases, if it was so painful that it plunged you into the abyss of depression for six months, then in 10 years you will remember it with a pang, but no more. Even if so - as they remembered, they forgot. Life will provide you with plenty of opportunities to take your mind off your negative emotions.

Therefore, once again - a piece of paper and a pen in your hands, write out the negative, and there will be happiness.

Well, what if a person suddenly stumbled upon this article, who for some reason was dissatisfied with the advice above? What if it seems to him that anyway something is wrong here, and that the solution is inferior? What if there is a feeling that even if the resentment has subsided, it will definitely still appear? What if already fed up experience the same negative emotions from time to time, each time to be comforted by something, and then again get into situations where these emotions arise, again suffer from them, again be consoled, and so on?

If you are such a person, then I am sincerely glad, because in fact, my site is designed for people like you. Just for those who have already realized that you can’t get away from resentment. That she is like a hydra, which if you cut off one head, several more will grow - just give a reason. And life will give you reasons to be offended! The only question is - how will you react to them?

Resentment ... like a hydra, which if you cut off one head, several more will grow - just give a reason.

If your work on your resentment is limited to writing out emotions or comforting your circle of friends, you will never get rid of resentment. AT long-term period, she will definitely return.

But if you recognize this and see the need to systematically eliminate all your resentments and the causes of them, then you are ready to ensure that resentment is removed in long-term period. And to get rid of it, you need to work out. That is, simply saying something to do with it - not just writing out its reasons on a piece of paper. And working through not only one episode of resentment from one breakup is just the beginning.

Getting rid of the oppression of one painful episode of your life is still not enough to free yourself from resentment forever. Suppose a man is reading these lines now. Do you think your relationship with your mother as a child does not determine your relationship with women now? Also how it is determined. Do you think that the resentment that you may have felt from the first unrequited feelings (ah, school :) does not determine your reactions to the behavior of women now? Also how it is determined. And what about all your beliefs about women - can your emotional reactions be conditioned by them? For sure.

What am I getting at? Long-term deliverance from resentment involves a systematic study all their grievances, all their past emotional traumas, all their causes, all the negative emotions you experience all the decisions you made against the background of your grievances, all relationships that you had all beliefs about relationships that you have. In essence, you will have to shovel all the contents of your mind and massively eliminate from it all the causes of resentment. Only then will you truly be free of it.

Are you ready for this kind of work? If not, no big deal. Again, you have already dealt with the resentment of parting, and life will get better on its own, over time.

But if your decision to stop being a victim of your emotions has gained sufficient strength, and you are ready for a systematic work to eliminate all your grievances, and you want no more separations to bring you suffering, then the next step is to acquire a system for processing the contents of your mind. All those things two paragraphs above must be eliminated from the subconscious, and for this we need an appropriate system of work on ourselves.

Step 2.0 Arm yourself with an internal processing system

There are many such systems. But ours should have a number of parameters. She must be least:

1. Powerful, that is, it must work with all the contents of the subconscious at once. What good is it for us to work out one youthful insult if it is only one of the thousands that we have had in our lives. No, we need to work through everything at once.
2. Fast, that is, we are reluctant to delve into our minds for years, looking for the causes of grievances. We need to see tangible results within a few months.
3. Simple, that is, it should not require special knowledge and skills. So that it can be used not only by psychologists.
4. efficient, that is, the results should be felt. There should be a shift in the emotional background towards positive feelings, there should be less reaction to people, there should be less limiting beliefs that somehow negatively affect behavior, and so on.

Since my site is focused on people who are ready for systematic work, then I provide all the necessary tools to work on myself. The system of internal study that I am talking about is called Turbo-Gopher, and you can familiarize yourself with it on the Main page of the site, and you can also subscribe to the newsletter on the intricacies of its application in the form at the bottom of this page. I simply do not want to repeat myself here, so the article turned out to be rather big :).

Step 3. Work through

Is there an intention to eliminate garbage from the head? Is there a willingness to work? Do you have all the necessary tools for the job? Then forward and with the song. The best time to start changing is the present moment :).

Harmless totals

The bottom line is that you have to ask yourself what you want. If you want a short-term, quick, yet superficial solution to dealing with resentment after a breakup, I recommend that you go to Step 2. If you want a solution that is long-term and effective, but requires little systematic effort from you, then I advise you to go to Step 2.0. Whatever you choose will be fine, I promise :).