Every day we meet thousands of people. And since all people are different, values, attitudes, and everyone has their own life, a conflict of interests cannot be avoided. And when there is a conflict of interest, we get offended.

They were offended by my mother that she asked for help at the wrong time, didn’t buy, reproached. Offended at her husband that he did not call, promised, but did not do, that he screams or does not help. Offended by a colleague that he did not help, did not call, did not warn. Sometimes we are offended even by strangers: we stepped on our feet, served us rudely, gave change in small change, sold stale goods, etc.

There may be many examples, but what remains the same is that

THERE ARE OFFENSES, AND EVERYONE IS OWN GREAT.

Recently, it has become fashionable to write about grievances and ease of communication. Why do you think?

Grievances do not allow to live freely, develop, and even more so coexist together. And since modern society strives to become more harmonious and freer, work with grievances is carried out on all fronts.

Look at your life, look at the people around you. Is there a place for resentment in your life? If so, start working on them right now.

Resentment is like a wall. The wall that we gradually build in relationships with other people, and when we built it with our own hands, it becomes too late to change anything in these relationships.

Story

One day I was approached by a woman who could not understand what to do in a relationship with her husband. She was very worried about his work, because he was often late, did not help around the house and with the children, did not communicate well with his mother, etc.

When we began to analyze her situation, we found out that what she called experiences were resentments. Moreover, such grievances, real, strong, which can hurt another person, destroy him.

She herself did not understand this, it was customary for her to worry like that. Silently, with hidden reproach and with a piercing look. Oh, it's hard! Now imagine how hard it is for a person who lives next to such an offended person.

An offended person does not make contact, is silent for a long time, sometimes for several days / weeks. And you want to help, but you can't.

The most important thing here is for BOTH parties to understand that OFFENSE IS MANIPULATION! No matter how long it lasts, a minute, an hour, a day.

Offended, the person says that you are not like that, I want you to become different, to change. But this does not lead to the desired result, because the result that resentment gives you is coercion. By forcing a person to become different, you cause only negativity, anger, reciprocal rejection.

Of course, it’s hard to live completely without offense. But you must use resentment for the benefit of yourself and those around you and NEVER let resentment deep in your heart. Your heart deserves the best! Resentment destroys him!

Below I have compiled a short interview for you. Answers to questions that will help you deal with resentment and begin to live an easy, calm, dignified and more joyful life.

These are the questions:

What are we offended by?
Why are we offended?
How does resentment affect us and our lives?
How to deal with resentment?

What are we offended by?

We are offended by the people around us for refusing a request, unfulfilled work / promise, work not done on time, disobedience, etc.
And to put it more simply:

We are offended by people for the fact that they do not correspond to our ideas!

Why are we offended?

We initially, his behavior, attribute to him not his qualities, and when they do not correspond to our ideals, we are offended. We try to make him behave as he should (as we need), we crush the person with our authority, put pressure on pity, break the inner core of the interlocutor.

Resentment arises when HE does not correspond to our ideas, frames!

How does resentment affect us and our lives?

If we break the word “offended” into two parts, then we get the phrase - We offend Xia (ourself). It's true, we hurt ourselves.

Resentment is a black space within us that eats us up and shows us our imperfection. We consider ourselves rejected, abandoned, often not needed by anyone, thereby offending, destroying and destroying ourselves.

How to deal with resentment?

To cope with resentment, you need to put yourself in the place of another person and try to understand him. Why did he do this? Accept his position and explain it to yourself. It happens, of course, when people specifically say nasty things in order to offend, annoy a person, but here it is also important to understand and accept the offender.

And so that grievances do not accumulate, they need to be dealt with immediately. There are several options for resolving grievances:

1. Talking to a person, clarify the situation.

2. Writing down all your dissatisfaction on a piece of paper.

3. Answering open questions to yourself. Here is a list of open questions: “Why am I offended?”, “What am I offended by?”, “What needs to be done to resolve the conflict and let go of resentment?”

4. You can write a letter to the offender and not even send it, but simply write everything down on paper. Paper will endure everything!

Most importantly, remember that the other person is as fragile and tender as yours. Find kind, constructive words that will help you clarify the situation and not offend anyone!

Learn to live with a heart filled with love! With a heart that can not only forgive, but also inspire!

According to statistics, at least once in a lifetime, all people are offended. However, everyone handles hurt differently. Why is this happening? A person has certain “sore spots”, hitting which, it is very easy to offend him. Some people have fewer such places, others have more, hence the varying degree of resentment that arises. There are also cases when a person does not seem to be at all, although he simply saves everything somewhere deep in his soul.

Why people get offended: the main reasons

The most common reason for resentment is a simple calculation. A person pretends to be offended in order to derive some benefit from his interlocutor. At the same time, it is not at all necessary to feel resentment, in fact, it is enough to pretend. This method is more often used by girls to get what they want from a man.

The next reason is the banal inability or unwillingness to forgive. In this case, the offended person himself may not know what exactly he was offended by - the fact itself and the subsequent apologies are important to him.

Another reason for resentment can be unjustified expectations. For example, a person is completely sure that after today's interview he will definitely be hired, but they never call him back. Or a girl on her birthday dreams of receiving a long-awaited ring as a gift from her boyfriend, with whom they have been living together for more than four years, and gets a romantic vacation by the sea.

What to do

1. Analyze the situation: it is quite possible that the interlocutor simply does not suspect that his words could offend someone. In this case, you need to put yourself in his place and see if this person could realize by saying these exact words that he could hurt your feelings.

2. Always take advantage of any situation for yourself. Perhaps the interlocutor pointed out your shortcomings, which really take place. You can thank him for saying it to his face and not spreading rumors behind his back.

3. It is useless to be offended that a person did not live up to your expectations. No one can read minds and accurately guess the desires of another. It is much more effective, for example, to simply ask the husband to throw out the garbage, and the mother-in-law to sit with the child, than to wait for them to guess about it themselves, and then be offended because this did not happen.

Harm of resentment

It has been proven that this emotion causes many diseases, for example, cancer or cirrhosis of the liver in a completely non-drinking person, constant migraines and insomnia, not to mention the lack of peace of mind. It is worth considering what is actually more expensive: pride and hurt feelings or your own health?

Carrying resentment in your heart is like drinking poison and expecting it to be bad for another person: you only poison yourself. Although you may think that your feelings are completely justified and the person may have really hurt you deeply, it's always best to let it go. If you are ready to let go of the shackles of resentment, know that there are many ways to work through these painful emotions.

Steps

Part 1

How to deal with inner pain

Understand your emotions . Be honest with yourself about the emotions you feel about the situation. Ask yourself if this resentment is related to some pain from the past, perhaps it has nothing to do with this person or situation in the present. Acknowledge your anger or resentment, but don't get stuck in it.

Practice radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is the ability to accept life as it is, to accept and not resist things that you cannot change. Even though we don't want to experience pain, we don't have to suffer. By saying, "This is not fair" or "I don't deserve this," you are denying the reality of your situation and refusing to accept the truth as it is at this moment.

Meditate. The practice of meditation is extremely beneficial. Meditation can increase positive emotions, reduce stress, help you develop a sense of compassion, and work through feelings of anger and resentment, replacing them with empathy and compassion. The more you practice meditation, the more benefits you get.

Practice empathy. It can be difficult to accept the other person's point of view when you are just seething with anger. However, if you show empathy for the person who hurt you, you can shed light on the situation and lessen your pain. The more empathy you experience, the less of a role resentment plays in your life.

• Remember that you make mistakes too, but you still want to be accepted. Remember that all people crave acceptance, although everyone has their own problems.
• Try to see the situation through the other person's eyes. What happened to this person? Perhaps he experienced certain life difficulties, which led to the fact that he exploded? Realize that each person has personal issues to deal with, and sometimes those issues seep into other relationships.

1. Love yourself unconditionally. No one can give you a constant feeling of love and acceptance, except for yourself. Remind yourself that you are a valuable and attractive person. Chances are if you have high standards for others, you have high standards for yourself. Are you extremely hard on yourself when you make a mistake? Slow down and remind yourself that you can and should always love and accept yourself.

   Part 2

   How to overcome resentment

   1. Avoid revenge. Although thoughts of revenge may come to your mind and you may even have begun to make your own plan, don't go for it. Revenge is a way of manifesting a desire for justice, but the desire for justice can lead to more injustice if the cycle of revenge continues. When you feel the urge to get back at someone, understand that your feelings are a way to deal with loss of trust.

   2. Moderate your expectations of others. Remember that no one person can satisfy all your needs. If you think a partner, friend, or family will meet all your needs, think again. High expectations will lead to failure.

      • Resentment can also arise when expectations are not communicated clearly. Discussing expectations and desires will help clarify existing problems and avoid problems in the future.
      • Be clear about your expectations for the people in your life. Come to terms with people about standards and your expectations in a relationship.

   3. Use sentences with “I” in the discussion. When you discuss your hurt with someone, don't rush to put all the blame on them. It is better to talk about your own feelings and experiences. You can't tell another person what their motivation was or why they did this or that, because you can't make such a reprehensible decision for another person. It is better to focus on yourself, your resentment and your experiences.

      • Instead of saying, “You ruined our relationship and I will never forgive you!” try saying, “What you did hurts me so much and it’s hard for me to forget about it.”

   4. Let people make mistakes. Sometimes it can be difficult to admit that you yourself are not perfect, that you too have blind spots and do not always respond to situations in the most constructive way. This applies to every inhabitant of the planet Earth. Just as you want people to forgive you for your mistakes, show the same courtesy to the people in your life. Remember that the person who hurt you is imperfect and sometimes acts based on limiting beliefs or distorted perceptions.

      • Accepting that people make mistakes doesn't mean that you justify their behavior. It simply means that you allow yourself to see the person's experience and situation in order to help you understand them better.

   5. Surround yourself with positive people. Let the people in your life be positive people who support you and let you make your own decisions. These are the people who allow you to make mistakes but still support you. Your friends should be honest with you, should be able to show you a new way of looking at things when you're stuck, should be able to tell you when you're overreacting.

      • Good friends will accept you no matter the mistakes you make, and being a good friend means accepting others when they make mistakes.

There are three main reasons that cause a person to resent others.

The first reason for resentment is manipulation, and deliberate. The person deliberately "pouts" to make the other feel guilty. Most often, girls do this when they want to get what they want from a man.

The second reason is the inability to forgive. Unfortunately, this is what causes most of the offense. If you look at this reason from the other side, then it can also be called manipulation, only unconscious. In this case, a person often does not understand why he was offended. Just offended - that's all. But on the other hand, he knows very well how the offender can make amends.

And the third reason for resentment is deceived expectations. For example, a woman hopes that her lover will give her a fur coat, but instead he presents a large soft toy. Or a person expects that in a difficult situation, friends will offer help without any requests from him, but they do not offer. This is where resentment comes from.

Basically, people become touchy in a state of stress, depression, quarrels with a loved one. Those who are in a state of serious illness are usually especially touchy: they often take offense not only at their loved ones, but at the whole world. This feeling is inherent mainly in the elderly and people with severe disabilities. Often offended by everything and those people who feel sorry for themselves and love too much. Even the most harmless jokes or remarks made about them can upset them.

What is resentment and how does it happen

It is difficult to never be offended at all, but we can control this emotion. It should be remembered that in psychology there is such a thing as touchiness, that is, a tendency to constantly resent everyone and everything. Here you can and should get rid of resentment. After all, this is not so much a feeling as a negative character trait, an undesirable frame of mind.

An adult, even if the words of the interlocutor touched him, can calmly and judiciously continue the conversation. An adult and wise person, if there is a need, can calmly tell his interlocutor about his feelings. For example: “Sorry, but your words just sounded very offensive to me. Maybe you didn't want that?" Then many unpleasant situations will be instantly cleared up, and there will be no resentment left in your soul and you will be able to maintain good friendly relations with the person who unwittingly offended you. ​​​​​

Consequences of frequent grievances

If a person does not engage in self-development and continues to be offended by everything, this can not only cause the development of all kinds of diseases (the so-called psychosomatic factor), but also lead to the loss of friends and constant conflicts in the family, up to divorce. No wonder the Bible calls pride one of the most serious sins, because it is because of pride that a person is most often offended.

Because of an unforgiven resentment that corrodes the soul, a person can spend a long time mainly trying to take revenge on his offender, coming up with various plans for revenge. This will occupy all his thoughts, and meanwhile his own life will pass by, and when he finally notices this, it may be too late.

The one who walks with resentment in his soul gradually develops dissatisfaction with life, he does not notice all its charms and colors, and negative feelings corrode his personality more and more. Then irritability, anger at others, nervousness and a state of constant stress may appear.

How to deal with resentment and stop being offended?

Understand why you are offended

Start keeping a diary of your emotions, noting every half hour how you feel. This is a surprisingly simple and very effective tool: you don’t seem to be doing anything, but you will definitely be less offended (and, in principle, be negative). The next step - if you are still upset or offended, write down why. Specifically, why? When the stats come up, you'll have a list of your traditional mood lowerers. And then you think and write a list of your mood boosters: what can you do to improve your mood? How to write 50 points, so you will begin to look at life much more confidently and more cheerfully.

​​​​​​​Look at life positively

Train yourself to see the good in life. American scientists from Stanford University studied people who were easily offended and did not forgive their offenders for a long time. It turned out that those who adjusted to a more positive perception of life and were able to forgive, began to quickly improve their health: their headaches and back pain disappeared, their sleep returned to normal and peace of mind was restored. How to turn to the positive? Be sure to watch the wonderful film "Polyanna" - and you will not want to live as before!

Value your time

Resentment takes you a lot of time and effort, makes you engage in nonsense. Do you need it? Learn to value your time, write down your whole day every minute, which includes everything: work, rest, sleep - and get down to business. You will be busy with business - you will be less offended.

go in for sports

Sports people are offended less often - checked! The most "anti-offensive" are extreme sports, if you are still afraid of these sports, start with simple exercises in the morning. Or maybe you decide to douse yourself with cold water? Amazingly switches the head to joy and cheerfulness!

read books

Smart and educated people are less offended - it's true! Read good books for 1-2 hours a day, discuss books - this will become more interesting for you than being offended. What to read? Start at least with my books: "How to Treat Yourself and People", "Philosophical Tales", "Simple Right Life" - you won't regret it.

Right Society

Write a list of the people you see and talk to the most. Emphasize those who have a good character and who you would like to be like. Cross out those who themselves are often offended, envious, speak badly of others and who have other bad habits. Well, here are some recommendations for you, with whom you should communicate more often, and with whom less often. Think about where else you can find yourself a good, right environment.

My children are addicted to ShVK (

Wash the offense you have received not in blood, but in Lethe, the river of oblivion. Pythagoras

No matter for what reason you were insulted, it is best not to pay attention to the insult - after all, stupidity is rarely worthy of outrage, and anger is best punished with neglect.

Samuel Johnson

This feeling is familiar to everyone. Each of us, at least once in our lives, was offended by someone.

For one, resentment occupies almost all of his living space, while the other has learned to cope with resentment, rely more on himself, on his strength, and also control his desires.

So, what is resentment and who manages it?

Resentment is, of course, acute pain. It really hurts when you get hurt.

Pain from the fact that your expectations are not met, from the fact that you are not appreciated, from the fact that you have been undeservedly insulted or humiliated.

Resentment is the position of a small child who always lacks something and always has little attention, toys, significance.

Many people expect more from their friends, relatives, relatives, employees, management than they receive. And not getting this more from them, they begin to feel resentment.

Resentment, like everything else in this world, is controlled by some entity or force. In religion, resentment comes from the evil one (so called Satan). And this force that directs resentment knows all the tricks to hook a person to the most painful points.

The offended person may think of the offender: “Well, how could he? How could he know that this is so important to me and will cause me such pain? Why did he do it this way?

And the person who offended you, perhaps, did not even know anything, he was simply directed and controlled by this same force.

Resentment and guilt go hand in hand, so resentment is also an excellent tool for manipulating a person.

One is offended, the other feels guilty, sometimes without even understanding why, and out of guilt does everything they want from him.

Such a scheme can work for a lifetime, when there is an inner consent of both at a subconscious level.

And sometimes the second one gets bored, and he can leave the relationship if the partner does not change.

Another option is when resentment is used in order not to do something for others. If a person often, at the expense of his own interests, does a lot of things for others, then one day he accumulates irritation, anger, fatigue - and he begins to feel resentment.

“I do everything for you, but you don’t lift a finger for me.”

In this case, a person expects the same attitude towards himself.

But often we try to hide it even from ourselves, and try to convince ourselves and others that "I am disinterested, it's just pleasant for me."

And if after some time resentment surges over you - be indulgent with yourself, it means, in fact, “not just like that” - and this is a great reason to get to know yourself better and correct your behavior and relationships with people in the future.

But it hurts even more when someone tells you the truth: “You really are like that”, “And you really are like that”. Yes, he will not say it face to face, but in front of everyone. No, to say something quietly, more delicately. No. Right on the forehead! Right in front of everyone!

When we feel a sense of resentment, then instead of straining our inner strengths, and repel this blow that is causing us severe pain, inflicted by resentment, we not only accept it, but also begin to “pour salt” on the already painful wound.

We continue to hold a grudge in memory. We begin to scroll through the mental chain, we find ourselves in an endless mental cycle. We strain, invent what to say to him, how to answer. “Yes, how dare he. I am so good to him, and he is so bad to me. And if I told him this, if I explained everything, and so on.

But at this point, the thought usually breaks off, and everything went on, went in a new circle.

And no matter how much you tense up, do not try to be cool, calm, balanced, no matter how much you try to rationally overcome the offense, it still turns out that your thoughts are just walking in a vicious circle.

You take root in the thought that you have been undeservedly offended, and you begin to feel sorry for yourself: “Oh, how poor and unfortunate I am, who would feel sorry for me, poor thing.”

When a feeling of resentment has taken possession of you, you need to understand that by scrolling through the mental chain, you are trying to find a way to destroy an already accomplished injustice.

It seems to many that the more diligently they suffer from resentment, the greater will be the reward for self-sacrifice. But there is no reward, and there will not be.

It’s just that your today’s resentment is a fight with the past, it has already happened, this is already history and there is no way to return to the past and change something, unless, of course, you have a time machine.

So, by entering into a struggle with the past, you simply fill yourself with negative experiences that make you suffer.

Resentment is the burning of oneself. Resentment is bitterness directed inside a person. A person who experiences a constant sense of resentment and does not know how to forgive is destroyed from the inside. If resentment lives in your soul, you will never be happy.

So why, knowing all this, and not wanting it, we continue to be offended? What to do when something happens that seems offensive to you? How to deal with feelings of resentment? How to stop being offended?

Resentment is an extra feeling that limits your freedom, prevents you from living and enjoying life.

How much time we spend irritating internal wounds and sorting out our past and present grievances.

So, when you realize that resentment leads to defeat and suffering, you yourself will want to dominate this emotional reaction.

In the end, it is your and only your feeling. And you decide when to stop it.

Sometimes the easy way works.- remember the feeling of self-respect, self-esteem: “Why should I be obliged to transfer control of myself into the hands of other people and allow me to control my mood?”

Is it nice to be in control? Sometimes only this fact is able to excite and cause a firm conviction: "I myself want to be the master of my fate and my emotions and I am not going to succumb to external provocations."

To get rid of resentment, you need to get rid of pride, from a sense of self-importance.

Make a rule for yourself:

“No one in the world owes me anything. I, and only I, am the blacksmith of my own happiness, success and prosperity.

And shifting all the responsibility for our fate to other people, we become too demanding of people, hang labels that are convenient for us, and then we begin to be surprised that our beliefs diverge from their views, the views that we ourselves invented. And we begin to take offense at it.

It happens that they deliberately try to evoke negative emotions in us, they deliberately try to offend or humiliate us. What to do in this case?

The best option is to ignore it. Turn on the thought - "I am my own master and I can manage my thoughts and emotions myself, I decide what and when to do and I am not going to fulfill someone's whims."

With a little training, and soon all remarks intended to offend you will cease to react, they will all turn into noise, like the noise of the wind or the sound of rain, which cannot cause you to feel offended. The dog barks, but the caravan moves on

Psychologists' advice

One way to get rid of resentment is to is to imagine the offender and mentally beat him.

After you have imagined this scene in detail, mentally restore all traces of beatings on the body of the offender and forgive him for the offense caused.

Grievances must be forgiven, since unforgiven grievances harm first of all the one who carries them in himself.

Resentments cause pain and irritation, spoil the mood, interfere with work, and, in the end, cause a variety of diseases.

Then you need to ask for forgiveness from the beaten offender and then forgive yourself.

And then the soul should become light and free.

To control the quality of the work done, imagine that you are hugging the person you just forgave.

If it is easy for you, and nothing interferes, then you did everything well, and if something prevents you from forgiving the offense, then you need to repeat the entire procedure from beginning to end.

Wash the offense you have received not in blood, but in Lethe, the river of oblivion. Pythagoras

If you have any questions, ask them

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness - together we change the world! © econet