We watch movies and vlogs, scroll through social media feeds, communicate with friends and relatives. And the richer the informational noise around, the more difficult it is to separate where our true dreams are, and where they are imposed by others. But sooner or later it will have to be done. Because trying to realize "other" desires, we ignore our own.
Find and neutralize
Even when you yourself do not understand what you are striving for, you often clearly know what others expect from you. Their settings can be both an invaluable clue and a broken compass. To begin with, it is important to understand what has come into your life “from outside”. Describe how your mom / dad / sister / boss and others wanted to see you. What did they advise you? What future was predicted? And How? Are you meeting their expectations? Maybe you are wasting your time to satisfy someone's requests? After all, if there is no realization of your unique potential in the list of their expectations and wishes, then you did not meet your goals. Now imagine that everyone suddenly fell behind you. Relatives no longer ask when you will finally get married / ask for a promotion / get a second degree and so on. Will you still want it? Or will you realize that deep down your dreams lie in a completely different area?
Explore yourself
Imposed judgments live in us, even if we do not know about it. Usually we forget how and when we got this or that installation. The self-observation game will help to remember this. Its essence is simple: divide the notebook pages into three columns. In the first one, enter the facts that you notice behind yourself, for example: “I only wear long skirts”, “I always dye my hair blond”, “I buy a certain type of coffee”, and so on. And in the second column, try to answer why you are doing this? Spied on a star or parents? Do you like it yourself? Or "it's accepted"? “Public attitudes can be distinguished by marker words: “must”, “should”, “must”, says life-coach Anna Rykova. “Try to run them through the formula ‘I want, I can, I choose’.” For example, rewrite the phrase "I work because I have to" as "I don't want to work. I can't work. But I prefer to work to save up for a round-the-world trip.” Then it will become your conscious choice. In the third column, answer, does the imposed rule bring any bonuses (comfort, pleasure, money ...)? If not, feel free to cut him out of your life.
Authentication
It is important to understand what is behind your motivation, what value or need. For example, you want sweets because you need to reward yourself or relax. But there is more than one way to satisfy your requests. And you can recognize their essence using the method of sequential questions. For example, you do not know whether to give birth to you or not. Ask yourself why you need a child. Because it's time? Because then you will regret that you did not give birth? Is that what your mom wants? Gradually brushing aside unsuitable options, “removing the husk”, you will get to the true need. This is, for example, the approval of the mother. Business coach Anna Gurevich calls it the “onion method.” Or, let's say you are hesitant to part with a man who does not behave very respectfully. Ask a question: what does this novel mean to you? What is it for? What happens if you break up? As a result, two values \u200b\u200bare on the scales: relationships and self-esteem.
Don't delay for tomorrow
You can set your priorities with the simple “I always wanted” technique. Write a list of 100 things you want to do in your life: run a marathon, be on the cover of a magazine, visit Tibet, and so on. “It’s easy to write 30 points, and then a stupor sets in,” says Mikhail Moskotin, Business Relations business coach. “In this case, the main thing is not to give up. After writing all one hundred, ask yourself the question: if I had five years to live, which of these points would I implement? Circle the most important - this is how your real desires will manifest.
Turn off your head
Our minds may have millions of possible answers to a question, but it is difficult to determine which one is correct. “We think that we make decisions with our heads, but in reality, when it comes to intentions, about the future, we don’t know what is really good for us,” says existential psychologist Vita Kholmogorova. “In fact, the choice is made not by consciousness, but by our subconscious, so when we are trying to find out“ What do I really want? ”, It is important not to turn on, but, on the contrary, turn off the brain and listen to feelings.” Meditation techniques can help you achieve this. Relax, close your eyes, focus on your breath, and ask yourself, “What if what I want really happens?” In that inner silence you have to face the sensation that arises. And if this is lightness, warmth, joy, then we are talking about a dream, the fulfillment of which will make you truly happy.
To know about something, you have to start learning. Any, the longest path begins with the first step.And probably, if the client says “I want to know,” he needs some rather complex knowledge: he probably already learned everything simple himself and he did not need to contact a psychotherapist for this. Therefore, most often the order “I want to know” continues with the words “but for some reason I can’t.”
Sometimes a person for this knowledge does not have enough adequate information.
Sometimes he wants to know something that hits his unconscious pain points, and even with the information, she stumbles upon internal “perception barriers”.
And also, wanting to know something, it is useful for yourself to determine to what extent and what depths you intend to dig into this area.
But in any case, I can effectively help a person who wants to know something. We will figure out what he fails if there are any problems on the way to this knowledge. I will give him the necessary information (including quite unique and individual) if he needs it. And most importantly, I will offer him the “keys” to the necessary knowledge so that he can acquire the knowledge himself.
In my work with clients, I often refer to one poem from the poetry of the Vagants (translated by L. Ginzburg). There are such lines: “I will become winged in these proud walls with a thought in order to OPEN the treasured treasure of precious knowledge.” Many read - "open". It is necessary to pay attention that it is written a little differently. Because, acquiring knowledge, moreover, complex, multi-level, one has not so much to discover as to tear off: with difficulty, with sweat, with intellectual effort. And if a person does not do this himself, he, alas, will not acquire this knowledge. But for those who want to acquire, and having invested first of all their own work, I can help: at least help them figure out “where exactly to dig” in order to “unearth” knowledge on a particular problem or situation.
If we are talking about some of your own problems, you cannot do without your participation in their solution. Because no one (even the most professional psychotherapist) knows your problem better than you. The psychotherapist is only an assistant and "provider of additional information" in your research and finding solutions. In addition, solving your own problem is always much more effective and efficient than someone else's.
The situation in terms of a psychotherapeutic order is a certain set of circumstances that changes over time. The situation can change on its own, or maybe - under the influence of some actions of its participants, and it is not always known in advance. Will these changes be for the better or for the worse.
Actually, all psychotherapy was originally intended to help clients find solutions to their most diverse problem situations: because in the vast majority of cases the solution is in the area that a person in a difficult situation does not notice or does not consider. As they say, it is difficult to observe the features of the reaction while inside the test tube. And the psychotherapist is a person who is not interested, who has the opportunity to look at the problem from the outside and at the same time still has professional knowledge in the field of the specifics of the development of various situations and relationships. Therefore, first of all, I suggest my client to comprehensively analyze the situation with all its features, look at it from different angles, predict how the situation will develop if this or that decision is made - and then the client himself will choose the exit option that suits him personally most.
There is nothing surprising when a teenager or yesterday's student asks such a question. But what about those who have already overcome the 30-year milestone, managed to change more than one job, but still have not been able to understand what to do in life.
To feel like a successful and fulfilled person, you need to understand your innate character traits - they are responsible for the real desires to do something in life. What kind of desires are yours, and what is imposed by society, fashion or parents - we will analyze systematically.
Why is your current job annoying?
There are only two possible answers:
- work does not meet natural desires, which means it cannot bring pleasure;
- it is not possible to interact with colleagues in a way that is joyful and effective.
The first option is just about the fact that we ourselves do not know what we want.
For example, a person who is unhurried and consistent in everything by nature works as a sales manager or organizes children's holidays. That is, where flexibility is needed, the ability to instantly adapt to new circumstances and high speed decision-making.
It turns out that pleasure is zero. But the claims to colleagues, superiors and the work itself are through the roof. And there are many such inconsistencies in natural character traits and work requirements.
Colleagues or management can also cause irritation. For example, a programmer who loves silence and solitude is forced to work in a noisy office, where everyone does nothing but distract him.
Or an excellent specialist waits a long time for a promotion or salary increase, believing that the management itself will guess to recognize his merits. All the more impudent have long been in good positions and bonuses, and he, as usual, was left out of work. As a result, accumulated grievances that spill over into loved ones and into various sores.
There are many such examples, but their essence will be reduced to a contradiction between the innate properties of the psyche and the nature of human work. To answer to myself the question of what I really want from life means to realize my innate desires and character traits.
How to understand who I am
Innate desires or, in terms of the training "Systemic Vector Psychology" by Yuri Burlan, vectors - everyone has their own. There are eight vectors in total - they determine the character, value system of a person, his sexuality and, of course, the desire to do something in life.
One is born with the character traits and mindset to become a business shark, while the other has the talent to teach or create beautiful things. We are different, and in order to understand who you are, you need to understand how to separate natural properties from everything that is often imposed by society, parents or fashion on the profession.
Training "Systemic Vector Psychology" helps not only to realize your desires, but also to learn to understand others from a half-word, which makes it possible to feel comfortable and easy at work. Without getting involved in conflicts, communicate with colleagues in such a way as to achieve maximum results.
Remember your childhood dreams - have they changed a lot during growing up? Or maybe during the period of graduation, the profession of a lawyer or the study of psychology was popular, and everyone aspired to these areas? Of course, a lot affects the choice of occupation in life, but you get real pleasure from work when you realize your natural desires and talents.
How to understand what I want
Our natural desires are always supported by properties for their successful implementation. For example, a person with a skin vector, whose life values are usefulness and benefit, is truly fascinated by work, where changes are constantly taking place, creating something new. For successful implementation in his work, he is naturally given a logical mindset, a flexible psyche, ambition and a passion for novelty.
If these natural talents are not used, there will be little or no pleasure in work. Moreover, the passion for change can negatively affect relationships in a family or in a couple: a person with a skin vector can start looking for novelty outside of work in intrigues on the side.
People with the so-called anal vector have a desire to transfer experience and knowledge, forming an information link between generations. They naturally have an excellent memory, the desire to always finish what they started, an analytical mind and attention to the smallest details.
If they are not customized, then the result of the work will be perfect, and there will be no room for resentment or discontent. But flexibility or speed of reaction is not their forte, so it is better not to choose a job in sales.
The owners of the visual vector, whose eyes can distinguish hundreds of shades of the same color, and whose emotions are always over the edge, realize themselves best in work related to helping other people or creating beautiful things. They have a delicate taste, and the ability to empathize knows no bounds - they have a great influence on the formation of the culture of society as a whole.
Each of the eight vectors has its own desires, but there are people who really find it difficult to understand what to do in life.
I want to know the meaning of life, but the rest is not interesting to me
Owners of the sound vector are often closed, they love silence and solitude. They spend a lot of time in virtual reality, trying to find answers to difficult questions there: “What is the meaning of life?”, “Why do we live?”, “Who is God?”
Desires such as money, a dizzying career or the creation of a large family are of little interest to them. What really matters to them is the search for meaning in everything.
When you can't find it or understand what brings joy in life, sound people can become depressed. At the training of Yuri Burlan "Systemic Vector Psychology", the desires of the sound vector and the secrets of interaction with other people are revealed. Not only do bad states go away, but it also becomes clear how to find an occupation to your liking and get along well with others.
What do I need more: pleasure or money
For most people, the issue of financial well-being is now fundamental. And even without getting much joy from work, we consciously agree to discomfort - for example, when you need to feed your family. The choice, of course, is yours, but by revealing the peculiarities of your psyche, you can understand how to realize desires without compromising the family budget.
When it doesn’t work out to fully realize desires at work, a hobby can become a real outlet. In addition, it is possible to turn a hobby into earnings: for example, to please not only relatives with needlework, but also to create for sale. Now there are many online platforms for masters of all directions with a lot of tips for promoting man-made miracles.
It is important to remember that a long-term impossibility to realize one's natural properties and talents often leads to bad conditions. Longing rolls in, anger arises for the whole world or resentment accumulates, which are expressed in quarrels with loved ones or even in some psychosomatic diseases.
What to choose when you want everything at once
The psyche of a modern person usually has several vectors. This means that desires can be multifaceted and often contradictory to each other. It happens that you want to be an accountant, and then suddenly you dream of working as a wedding planner.
You can, of course, periodically change jobs and alternately realize desires in different vectors. And you can, having deeply understood the properties of your psyche, understand which work to give preference to, and which activities to leave as a hobby. If there is a desire to learn something new - go ahead, to the Internet. Now you can learn everything without even leaving your home.
“... There was a certain anticipation of new discoveries of each coming day. I began to go out into the street and now I can’t sit still for a minute. A new source of energy appeared inside - the thirst for life ... "
By revealing the properties of your character and understanding the desires of others, instead of the usual irritation and discontent, you will feel the joy of working and communicating with people. After all, this is an amazing feeling when a person in front of you is like an open book.
The first steps towards understanding what you really want to do in life can already be taken at the free online training "Systemic Vector Psychology" by Yuri Burlan.
The article was written using the materials of Yuri Burlan's online training "System-Vector Psychology"
often read
The fate of a person is a path of trial and error, self-education and other steps. I can do everything, I want everything, but how to understand what choice to make?
1. We take two hours of our time (undivided, personal and calm) and sit down at the table
It is important. Not on the sofa, not on the bench, but at the table. We write down everything that we like to do, that interests us. Let it be even a stream of thoughts. It is important to write EVERYTHING.
Now put the paper aside and go to bed. The next day, they took a sober look, analyzed it, crossed out outright nonsense. Now it's easier - there is a basis and ways of direction.
2. Read, listen, visit
For a week or two, try to read/listen to/attend a few places/events related to your chosen fields. Breathe in the local air, feel the atmosphere.
3. What do you dislike?
Let's go from the opposite and in the same way we decide what we do NOT like to do. For example, come to work with mom / dad / other relatives and understand - yours or not. Did you see? I do not like? Good. There is already something.
4. Internship
Any office/magazine/job of your dreams is always looking for interns/volunteers. EVERYTHING IS SO SIMPLE. Exactly. You just need to dial the phone number of the authority and ask about the conditions of the internship. Trying is not torture. Such an experience is the best way to “sober up” your ideas about future work and make it clear whether it is or not.
5. Travel a lot and often if possible
A closed space, the same circle of friends, communication often leads us to a dead end. There is an explosion in your head, a surge of inspiration, energy. You see how people live far and near, what they do.
6. Hang out with older people
Age is not as important here as life experience is important. Especially the experience of those who are already successful in their field and have achieved something. Ask for advice, be interested.
7. Interest club
There are a lot of organizations for students / youth, not only on interests, but also on a general, so to speak, direction. There you can find like-minded people - one, have a good time - two. Three - often people around us let us know who WE really are.
8. Read a lot
9. Although the ninth, but very important point (!)
Please think with your head. Not moms / dads / families / aunts by mom dad, but their own. YOU live and love what you do. This is your ambition, life.
10. Make contacts
This is now called “networking” (from “network”, “network” in English). Your interested and capable friends now are successful people, entrepreneurs, specialists in the future. Be polite to everyone. Try to help others when possible. Such relationships with people are the building blocks of the future. What you do now, you will later.
11. Know how to relax
You can't always search hard for your calling. Thought? Doesn't go? We take a break and just relax.
12. And here's the catch (see point 9) - listen to family and friends
13. Test
Take the Career Test. I am not laughing now. Thousands of psychologists and other specialists developed this kind of tests for a reason. Every question and your answer has meaning. Whether to follow the test results or not is your right.
14. Exhale, there is not much left
So, we are trying to get out of our comfort zone and do something that we have not tried before. In a week we come up with such 2-3 lessons maximum and broaden our horizons. Imagine that you are a guinea pig and a doctor at the same time. Watch your reactions to certain objects / activities / activities. Draw your own conclusions.
15. Last and most important
Ready? Be yourself. Seriously. Stop copying anyone if you've done it before. Someone's experience may not suit you, someone's views may differ from yours, and this is normal. Everyone has his own path. It is important to go through it yourself from beginning to end.
A happy person is distinguished by having a healthy appetite for life. He enjoys the process. If you look closely, it's not hard to see the recipe that all these people have in common: 1) they know exactly what they want and 2) they get it. How can I figure out what I really want?
I remember that day, about a year ago, when I suddenly clearly realized that the transformation that I had been striving for for so long had entered my life. Despite the fact that there were still many unresolved tasks and questions, there were doubts, fears and other companions of any changes - but one change did irrevocably happen: I knew exactly what I wanted. And in all spheres of life and at different intervals of time.
Wake me up in the middle of the night, demanding to list what I'm interested in in this life - I would blurt out without a shadow of a doubt where I'm going. And with a fair amount of specifics. Offer me to change these goals for others, no less attractive, I would refuse, because my scope already gives me enough space to spread my wings. If my life turned around before a choice - a loved one or these goals, I would choose the second. Since true love does not set such a condition, and everything else is a fake from dreams on the topic of saving love, which will make you happy for life and save you from the need to act. And for this illusion there is no more place in my life.
It's an interesting feeling to know what you want and where you're going, because it doesn't take away the freedom of choice and the ability to change your mind, but you know that your choice is made.
Absolute freedom does not exist, but there is freedom to make a decision, and after that you are bound by your choice.
P. Coelho, "Zaire"
Binding yourself with such a choice is a truly wise step, since it is concentration on a single vector that helps you go through stage after stage and feel the rhythm of life, giving rise to the joy of conscious movement forward. Including this is the only way to have what you want for those who are not afraid to dream big.
Simply put, the picture looks like this:
— To be inspired from moving towards your desires, they must be big.- that is, to have scope for the flight of your soul. Global goals give rise to the belief that our capabilities are much wider, thereby uncovering the internal potential and giving a surge of strength.
— Achieving big goals takes time., during which you will move in the selected direction without changing direction. Only a long movement in one direction can give a tangible result. You have the right to change the goal, change your mind, choose another - please. The divine right of free choice is always with you, as well as the law of cause and effect: every time you start another, you start a new path, and you also need to stay on it long enough without changing the sharpness of the focus.
- In order not to succumb to the temptation of choice and not to change your direction, you need to decide exactly what you want. Therefore, it is reasonable at a certain point in life to decide exactly for yourself: “who am I?” and "Where am I going?" Otherwise, people often change their minds, try many directions at once, do not really succeed anywhere, and generally give up any attempts, thereby starting a smooth descent down the ladder of their prospects.
If you are ready, you don't need to prepare.
Once you have a direction in mind, it is easier to deal with doubts and tempting possibilities. It is easier not to be distracted from the essence and keep the focus on one thing. When this choice has not yet been made to the end and you continue to wait for a miracle (they say, somehow everything will work out by itself), then you swim where the wind blows. I think none of us would want to be on an unruly ship in the ocean or on a boat floating on a fast current without oars. So why do so many people like this dangerous approach: “to go with the flow of life without any goals”, isn’t it obvious that it carries on stones of helpless old age?
Now the World Championships in Athletics are taking place in Moscow - how interesting it is to watch some of the competitions. Look.
What is the essence of the victory of this or that athlete? Someone will say that in hard training, coupled with natural data, but still the root is deeper - in their choice to focus on exactly one particular sport that suits them best and improve in it.
Only long and technically correct training in one direction can give the desired result. But each of today's sports stars, having, in principle, a strong body and certain talents, could run from sprint to jump, from jump to marathon, from marathon to all-around, calling it self-discovery. Decide on a direction as early as possible- the most important decision in sports, and everyone knows about it, which is curious, but in life it is also the most important decision, however, much fewer people already take it into account.
To get what you want, you need to choose a single vector and move in its direction, constantly improving over a long time.
Hence the logical question: do you know what you want from your life? In all areas?
I didn't know for a long time. Rather, she misinterpreted her desires. For example, I sincerely wanted to live by the sea. And only after 2 years, tightly spent by the sea, I realized that I really want to regularly travel to the sea, and to the mountains, and to forests, and to the snow, of course, that is, to travel a lot around the world, and only in breaks between something more significant and creative, for example, the development of your project, and living by the sea is not at all necessary. A big city answers a lot more of my questions than an island isolated from the world. In my personal life, there were also dreams in the style of “maybe I will become an excellent hostess and keeper of the hearth and will not do anything,” which pretty much amused my own universe with the corresponding lessons.
For every talent we will be asked.
But every time, even when the next “I want” turned out to be more of my fantasy about a wonderful future, and not an adult decision, I continued to move forward. I wanted to live by the sea - I went there to live. I wanted a free schedule - I found a way to work as a freelancer. I realized that I had to return to Moscow, so I moved. I wanted an author's project - and here it is in front of you. It was this movement, and not reflection (!), that gave the skill to separate the grains of the true aspirations of the soul from the chaff of idle entertainment that lead nowhere. At some point, the real goals began to take on an increasingly clear form, leaving behind all the imposed husks.
This is an illustration of my favorite example of a long climb in the mountains - at first you don't even see the top, but as you get closer, with another observation deck, your view increases and at some point - the target becomes clear. But if you don’t get up from the couch and start this path of conscious movement along the edges of your “I want” and “I can”, then don’t even ask to the top.
Some tips on how to understand your true desires and find inspiring goals
0. Tip number "zero"- start a conscious movement, to begin with, to any immediate desire. You need to start moving uphill in order to continue to talk about where exactly my road is in all this splendor. If you plan to start and do something only when you find your Path or destination, you simply do not leave the threshold of your house. It's called couch searching for yourself, and it's funny.
1. Pay attention to your own desires
The presence of a large number of desires and ideas is a sign of high energy. Don't give up on your aspirations. And do not listen to those who say that desires are bad. Desires encourage us to move forward, grow and overcome ourselves, or rather, our own ideas about ourselves. Desires are catalysts for life energy. Another issue is that when the potential remains unrealized, it starts to press. That is why it is useful to fulfill desires in every sense.
The difference between a true dream or a “public” one, that is, an imposed one, is most often realized only in practice, and not in the mind. Get ready for trial and error phase, especially if you grew up in a very "blinded" environment, but this stage is also very productive.
Most often, I receive letters in the style of “how to make it so that everything changes, but not to be mistaken.” That's the point, no way. Yes, you may be mistaken, but even a mistake with a sincere intention to change for the better and realize your potential to the maximum will be beneficial, because it will remove another layer of blinders from your eyes, which you will never see if you don’t try.
A loser is one who, out of fear of failure, has not even tried.
It was the mistakes that brought me to that very observation deck, where I could clearly see what I want: who to be, what to have, where to go. And the bonus is the understanding that she no longer intends to endure.
2. Find the junction between desires and abilities
The single vector that was discussed is very often located at the junction of “I want” and “I can”. That is, these are not just your current abilities, but multiplied by great desires. What you have inclinations and talents for, but in the context of a big dream. This is the conscious development of one's abilities into mastery, which allows one to realize the most daring desires. As soon as you find this joint, give it priority. Nothing makes a person internally holistic and calm like a clear understanding of where he is going.
The goal differs from fantasy only by the presence of real steps already now in the chosen direction. In all other cases, if you want, but don’t do it, this is nothing more than a childhood dream that is unlikely to ever come true.
To get somewhere, you need to know the destination. This is primary. And the sooner you decide on it, the clearer everything that happens around you becomes. I wish you to realize it and choose from all the variety.
