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and A. B. Dobrovich. - M.: Progress, 1986.

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9. Petrovskaya L. A. Competence in communication: .Social and psychological training. - M.: Publishing House of Moscow State University, 1989.

10. Russian E I. Art as a means of communication. - M.: Knowledge,

11. Rudensky E. V. Psychotechnics of communication. - Novosibirsk: SibSPI Publishing House, 1990.

12. Rudensky E. V. Introduction to the psychosociology of holiday communication. - Kemerovo: Pritomskoe Publishing House, 1991.

The realization by a person of his subjectivity in communication is connected: firstly, with the presence of the necessary level of

communicative competence; secondly, with the experience of role-playing self-organization in

communication situations; thirdly, with the absence of psychophysiological clamps.

The communicative competence of a person consists, in our opinion, of the abilities

(1) to give a socio-psychological forecast of the communicative situation in which one is to communicate;

(2) socio-psychologically to program the process of communication, based on the originality of the communicative situation;

(3) "get used to" the socio-psychological atmosphere of the communicative situation;

(4) to carry out socio-psychological management of communication processes in a communicative situation.

Communicative competence is of particular importance for the performance of managerial functions.

In communication, the leader needs the ability to find the right word, the right tone, the right "attachment" to the partner, so that the desire to convince of something achieves the necessary goal. This is especially important in a business communication situation.

The modern audience of business communication is not the sum of listeners, it is a community of people where everyone has a certain level of

education (defining, t professional and personal preferences);

awareness^. e. awareness of the current moment);

personification of evenness (yy\)yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy in an effort to express their personal opinion, position or views).

In order to interact effectively, the leader needs a socio-psychological forecast of the communicative situation, i.e., the situation in which communication is to be organized.

The forecast is formed in the process of analyzing the communicative situation at the level

communicative attitudes(the level of attitude of people (i.e. partners) to communication in general). The communicative attitude of a partner is a kind of program of personality behavior in the process of communication. The level of installation can be predicted during the identification

subject-thematic interests of the partner, emotional and evaluative attitudes to various events, attitudes to the form of communication;

inclusion of partners in the system communicative

interactions. This is determined in the course of studying the frequency of communicative contacts, the type of partner's temperament, his subject-practical preferences;

emotional assessments forms of communication. Generalized emotional reactions such as "interesting - uninteresting", "satisfied - not satisfied" characterize emotional judgments about public communication.

With this approach to the characterization of communicative competence, it is advisable to consider communication as a system-integrating process that has the following components:

(a) communicative-diagnostic (diagnosis of the socio-psychological situation and conditions of future communicative activity, identification of possible social, socio-psychological and other contradictions that a person may have to face in communication);

(b) communicative and prognostic (assessment of positive

and negative aspects of the situation of the upcoming communication);

(c) communicative programming (preparation of a communication program, development of texts for communication, choice of style, position and distance of "communication");

(d) communication and organizational (organizing the attention of communication partners, stimulating their communicative activity, managing the communication process, etc.);

(e) communicative and executive (diagnosis of a communicative situation in which the communication of a person unfolds, a forecast of the development of this situation, carried out according to a previously meaningful individual program of communication).

Each of these components requires a special socio-technological analysis, but the scope of the presentation of the concept makes it possible to dwell only on the communicative-performing part. We will consider it as communicative performance skills of the individual.

The communicative-performing skill of a person manifests itself as two interrelated and yet relatively independent skills - the ability to find a communicative structure adequate to the topic of communication, corresponding to the purpose of communication, and the ability to realize the communicative plan directly in communication, i.e., to demonstrate the communicative-performing technique of communication.

In the communicative and performing skills of the individual, many of her skills are manifested, and above all

skills of emotional and psychological self-regulation how to manage their psychophysical organics, as a result of which the personality achieves an adequatecommunicative and executive activities emotional and psychological states.

Emotional and psychological self-regulation creates a mood for communication in appropriate situations (meetings, conversations, discussions, meetings, disputes, etc.).

Emotional attitude to the situation of communication means, first of all, the translation of ordinary emotions of a person into a tone corresponding to the situation of interaction.

AT modern conditions of business communication- there is a need to plan an "emotional score" of both individual acts of communication and the entire system of interactions. The determining factor of such an "emotional score" is the psychological mood of the person himself based on the socio-psychological assessment of the situation of communication.

In the process of emotional and psychological self-regulation, three phases should be distinguished:

prolonged emotional "infection" with the problem, topic and material of the upcoming communication situation;

emotional and psychological identification at the stage of developing a model of one's behavior (actions) and a program for future communication;

operational emotional and psychological restructuring in
communication environment.
Emotional and psychological self-regulation acquires
the character of a holistic and complete act in unity with perceptual
and expressive skills, which also constitute the necessary
part of the communication and performance skills.
Emotional-psychological self-regulation directly
manifested in the ability to sharply, actively respond to changes
environment of communication, rebuild communication taking into account the change
emotional mood of partners. It is clear that psychological
well-being, emotional mood of the individual directly depend on

Perceptual skills of the individual are manifested in the ability to manage their perception and organize it; correctly assess the socio-psychological mood of partners

for communication; "read" changes in the face, voice, gesture of the partner

communication; "reveal the subtext" of mimic movements, smiles, glances,

gesture, etc.; determine the tone of communication;

establish the necessary contact; on the first impression to predict the "course" of communication.

Perceptual skills allow a person to correctly assess the emotional and psychological reactions of communication partners and even predict these reactions, avoiding those that interfere with achieving the goal of communication.

Expressive skills of communicative and performing activity are usually considered as a system of skills that create the unity of vocal, facial, visual and motor physiological and psychological processes. At its core, these are skills of self-management.

expressive sphere of communicative-executive activities. Connectionemotional and psychologicalself-regulation with

expressiveness is an organic connection between the internal and external psychological. Even L. S. Vygotsky noted the desire of "every feeling to be embodied in certain images corresponding to this feeling." This desire provides external behavior, expressive actions of the individual in communication.

The expressive skills of the individual are manifested as a culture of speech statements that correspond to the norms of oral speech; gestures and plastic postures; emotional and mimic accompaniment of the statement; speech tone and speech volume.

An important part of communicative and performing skills is the organization of direct communication in its initial period. Conventionally, this can be called a "communicative attack" when the initiative in communication is won. Today we can talk about such ways of gaining initiative in communication as

efficiency in organizing the initial contact, prompt transition from organizational procedures to business

and personal communication, the absence of intermediate zones between organizational and

with the audience, the formation of a sense of "we", giving the interaction a personal character, organizing a holistic contact,

posing questions that can mobilize the attention of a partner,

etc. The foregoing gives grounds to consider the communicative

personality culture as a system of its qualities, including

(1) creative thinking (non-standard, flexibility of thinking,

in as a result of which communication appears as a type of social creativity);

(2) culture of speech action (literacy in constructing phrases, simplicity and clarity of presentation of thoughts, figurative expressiveness and clear argumentation, tone adequate to the situation of communication, voice dynamics, tempo, intonation and, of course, good diction);

(3) a culture of self-adjustment to communication and psycho-emotional regulation of one's state;

(4) culture of gestures and plasticity of movements (self-management of psychophysical tension and relaxation, active self-activation, etc.);

(5) culture of perception of communicative actions of a communication partner;

(6) culture of emotions (as an expression emotional-evaluative

judgments in communication), etc.

The communicative culture of the individual does not arise from scratch, it is formed. But the basis of its formation is the experience of human communication. The communicative culture of a personality is one of the characteristics of its communicative potential.

Communication potential is a feature

human capabilities, which determine the quality of his communication.

Communication potential is the unity of its three components:

(1) communicative properties personalities characterize the development of the need for communication, attitude to the method of communication;

(2) communication skills- this is the ability to take initiative in communication, the ability to be active, emotionally respond to the state of communication partners, form and implement one's own individual communication program, the ability to self-stimulation and mutual stimulation in communication;

(3) communicative competence -this is knowledge of the norms and rules of communication, for example, festive, possession of its technology

etc

The main sources of acquiring communicative competence are:

1) socio-normative experience of folk culture;

2) knowledge of the languages ​​of communication used by folk culture;

3) experience of interpersonal communication in the non-holiday sphere;

4) experience of art.

Socio-normative experience is the basis of the cognitive component of the communicative competence of an individual as a subject of communication. At the same time, the actual existence of various forms of communication, which are most often based on a socio-normative conglomerate (an arbitrary mixture of communication norms borrowed from different national cultures), introduces a person into a state of cognitive dissonance. And this gives rise to a contradiction between knowledge of the norms of communication in various forms of communication and the way that the situation of a particular interaction offers. Dissonance is a source of individual psychological inhibition of a person's activity in communication. The personality is "turned off" from the field of communication. There is a field of internal psychological stress. And this creates barriers to human understanding.

AT the practice of preparing a person for communication in the cultures of different peoples has formedcommunicative method. Its essence is learning to communicate through communication.

AT The works of G. A. Bernshtam and M. M. Gromyko, devoted, in particular, to the analysis of culture as a kind of socio-psychological training, revealed the principles of the communicative method. First, this the principle of target conditionality. Secondly, principle of individualization which allows you to form an individual style of implementation of the socio-normative culture of communication. Thirdly, this functionality principle, when the assimilated norms of communication are associated with the functional status of the individual in specific situations of celebration. Fourth, situational principle, requiring consideration of communicative reality in the forms of celebration. Fifth, principle of relevance enabling the individual to correlate his current state with the nature of the situation. The identified five principles of the communicative method of forming a socio-normative culture of communication of an individual are taken as the basis for the development of socio-psychological communication trainings.

Possession of a socio-normative culture of communication involves

and mastery of the signification culture of the society by the personality. Signification is a system of symbols and normative prescriptions for their use in communication. According to A.F. Losev, a symbol is a signification (designation) of reality. As a kind of sign, a symbol is used in different capacities: both as a way of organizing actions, and as a way of expressing attitudes towards a communication partner, and, of course, as a means of organizing the text of messages exchanged between participants in communication.

However, the role of signification, as the Bulgarian scientist A. Lilov rightly noted when analyzing the ideas of L. S. Vygotsky, is much wider: signification serves as a stimulator for the manifestation of the creative nature of the individual.

Mastering the signification of society is mastering the system of incentives, which, according to L. S. Vygotsky, can give communication the character of "auto-stimulated behavior." In essence, L. S. Vygotsky understands signification as a regulative principle of a person's behavior in communication.

Thus, knowledge of the signification of society is the mastery of the principles of regulation of communication. Signification inherently determines the nature of the sociocultural technology of communication.

The experience of communication occupies a special place in the structure of the communicative competence of the individual. On the one hand, it is social and includes internalized norms and values ​​of culture, on the other hand, it is individual, since it is based on individual communication abilities and psychological events associated with communication in a person's life. The dynamic aspect of this experience is the processes of socialization and individualization, implemented in communication, ensuring the social development of a person, as well as the adequacy of his reactions to the situation of communication and their originality.

In communication, the mastery of social roles plays a special role: organizer, participant, etc. of communication. And here the experience of perception of art is very important.

Art reproduces the most diverse models of human communication. Acquaintance with these models lays the foundation for the communicative erudition of the individual. It, representing a system of knowledge of the history and culture of human communication, at the same time implies the integration of all sources of the communicative competence of the individual. Possessing a certain level of communicative competence, a person enters into communication with a certain level of self-respect and self-awareness. Personality becomes personified subject communication.

This means not only the art of adapting to the situation and freedom of action, but also the ability to organize a personal communicative space and choose an individual communicative distance. The personification of communication is also manifested at the actional level - both as mastery of the code of situational communication, and as a sense of what is acceptable in improvisations, the appropriateness of specific means of communication.

Thus, the logic of the analysis of the constituent components of the communicative competence of a person as a subject of communication leads to its three levels: (1) socio-normative, (2) significatory

ny, (3) actional. Together, these three levels characterize the degree of communicative competence of a person as a subject of communication.

The communicative competence of the individual, or rather, the possibility of its manifestation is blocked under the influence of psychological and social traumas.

Blocking violates the manifestation of the subjectivity of the personality in communication, leads to deformation of its relations. At the same time, such a situation, if large groups of people are involved in it, leads to emotionally negative excitation of the social psyche.

Communicative personality disorders are corrected by a system of special methods. They can be roughly divided into

individual (the competence of psychoanalysis), group (methods of "psychodrama"), mass (including ecstatic).

Social psycho-correction - a new branch of social psychology, which is based on the methods outlined above. Its development is a matter for the future. We will show those group methods of social psychology that are already successfully used in practice today.

Topic 8. METHODS OF SOCIAL PSYCHO-CORRECTION OF COMMUNICATION DISORDERS

1. The concept of psychodrama in the sociometric concept of J. Moreno.

2. Psychological mechanisms and organizational principles of psychodrama.

3. Techniques of psychodrama.

4. The concept of sociodrama.

5. Theatricalization as psychotechnics.

6. Active relaxation training.

Not all people can easily communicate with others and immediately win over them. Because of this, they can have a variety of problems and misunderstandings.

However, any, even the saddest, situation is fixable. Read on and don't stop...

The most tender communication in the world is between those who are not interested in communication.
Marcel Proust

Anyone who has difficulty interacting with people just needs to clearly understand all their weaknesses and deal with their elimination. We'll talk about how to do it right today.

Improving our communication skills

If you used to think that it was difficult to become one of those with brilliant communication skills, then you were very, very mistaken. In fact, any problem has its own solution, often quite simple, there would only be a desire to look for it.

So, what do you need to be able to do in order to make your communication with others more productive?

Know how to set specific communication tasks in relation to partners

Strive for meaningful and effective communication? Choose appropriate emotionally motivating tasks. The fact is that it is much easier to influence any person through his emotional sphere.

Of course, you should not show your emotions too violently, it may not show you from the best side, but the ability to establish emotional contact has always been the main characteristic of the best communicators. Therefore, determine what kind of result you want to get from the conversation and decide on the necessary emotions.

Know how to ignore psychological barriers

Internal barriers arise in the process of communication quite often, and everything would be fine, but they are one of the main obstacles to fruitful communication. But so that nothing bothers you, focus on what is important to you in the process of communication.

Know how to lead the communication process

Forget about the logical steps in communication for a while - if you are constantly busy calculating the need for this or that action, then you simply will not have time to achieve the goal that you have set for yourself.

Of course, from the first time you are unlikely to be able to “feel” the communication, at first you simply cannot do without training. But then you will be able to understand the mood of your interlocutor without any problems and figure out if he is making contact with you.

Dare to be charming

Of course, you have often come across people who, without any problems, get everything they need from communication, and all thanks to charisma. There is no need to think that charisma is an exclusively innate quality, it is quite possible to develop it, for this it is worth allowing your imagination to take flight and free your inner life.

Know how to remove psychophysical clamps

Shackled or overly cheeky body movements will immediately signal to your interlocutor that you also have psychophysical clamps. He may not be able to clearly identify the nature of your condition, but he will immediately understand that something is wrong with you. Accordingly, the success of your communication will be a big question. So relax and, of course, exercise.

Know how to listen and hear the interlocutor

Learn to listen to your intuition

All people are different, which means that you need to communicate with them in completely different ways. You won’t be able to choose any one communication tactic and follow it throughout your life - it will have to be changed depending on the situation and on what kind of person is in front of you.

Learn to control your voice and diction

They must be clear and calm, otherwise you simply will not be able to build a constructive dialogue.

Learn to watch others

Are there people among your acquaintances who can be called almost geniuses of communication? Then feel free to watch and imitate them. You can, of course, not do this, but it is much more difficult to achieve success solely by your own trial and error.

Feel free to speak more

This is especially useful for those who often feel embarrassed. Of course, each of us can find ourselves in an unfamiliar and not entirely inviting company, in which we don’t feel like talking at all, but what if you are constantly shy?

In this case, it is best to start conversations on abstract topics about which everyone can speak: about gas prices, about the weather, or about the ubiquitous traffic jams. Ask a question and let your interlocutor speak.

Learn to communicate more often and with different people

There are always plenty of people around us to talk to, from your office staff to the cashier at the supermarket. Don't be afraid to strike up a conversation with them - you'll gain invaluable experience in different communication styles and can increase your self-confidence.

Outcome

Remember that we all once learned something, and those people who now arouse your admiration for their ability to communicate, also did not always possess it.

The main thing is to expand your social circle, this will force you to look for new ideas and ways to communicate, and then the result will come by itself.

One of the Followers of the Path of Truth, passing through the city, decided to give a performance in the marketplace in order to earn his livelihood for the next few years. Attaching a knife instead of a tip to the travel staff, the wanderer made a homemade spear and began to show all kinds of tricks. Soon a large crowd gathered around him, and one of the local daring even tried to compete with the wanderer in military skills, but no matter how he was attacked, with or without weapons, the wanderer easily defeated opponents, holding the shaft of the spear with only three fingers and rewarding the attackers offensive cuffs, and even tickling or hitting them with a point. When the day began to approach evening and the wanderer decided to finish his performance, a young man came out of the crowd of spectators and turned to him with the following words: - Truly, you have no equal in the ability to handle a spear, and I have long been looking for a Teacher who would agree to teach me this. art. The young man was from a wealthy family. His beautiful clothes and proud appearance spoke about this better than any words. While waiting for the decision of the interlocutor, he showed clear signs of impatience and could not hide the spark of arrogance that flashed by chance in his narrowed eyes. Seeing that the wanderer was slow to respond, the young man hastened to continue his speech, promising him a good tuition fee, and offered to spend the night in his house along with the servants. The Stranger didn't want to make powerful enemies, but he really wanted to continue his journey. Therefore, he said to the young man: - I am an insignificant person, not a great master, and everything that you saw is only a manifestation of the power of the magical power of this spear. He pointed to a staff with a knife attached to it and continued, “All I have learned is how to serve him. The greedy lights that lit up in the young man's eyes betrayed his desire to take possession of the magic spear. In a dismissive tone in which there was not even a shadow of respect for the wanderer, the young man said: “My father will buy a spear from you, and you will get everything you want for it. If you resist this, then the spear will be taken from you by force. Smiling, the wanderer replied: “I am not the owner of the spear, but it is my master.” It cannot be bought, stolen, or taken by force. You can only go to his service and learn to fulfill his whims. “So that’s why this spear has such a nondescript look,” the young man exclaimed. - Magical power does not want to attract the attention of the uninitiated. Teach me to honor him and obey his orders. “If you want to learn how to serve him and enjoy his patronage,” replied the wanderer, “you will first have to pay for the position of an official with a spear, training and maintenance for a year in advance, and then go on a journey to the holy mountains after the spear, because it’s just there and is directed. By the evening of the same day, everything was settled, and the wanderer with the young man and the spear set off ... The days passed, the seasons changed, and the young man turned from a self-willed, pampered and capricious teenager into a mighty warrior. Once, when the companions climbed a high pass, the wanderer threw a spear into a deep gorge and with difficulty restrained the young man, who almost jumped down after him. “You have comprehended high skill, but you have not known the roots of life,” the wise wanderer turned to his young friend. “Nothing in the world is worth risking your life for. As for the magical power of the spear, while you were learning to control it by anticipating its desires, it all passed into you. After these words, an epiphany descended on the young man. “O Great One,” he addressed the sage, “take me as a student and set a fee for training. “They don’t take bribes for true knowledge, because you already give your life to it,” said the wanderer. - Why did you then demand payment at our meeting? the young man asked. “People do not appreciate what they get for free, and they made gold the measure of all merit. But true values ​​are always with you and around you. It is you, the air you breathe, the ground you stand on, the food that quenches your hunger, the water that quenches your thirst, and the clothes that keep you warm. No other wealth can compare with them. However, you would never have gone with me the day we met if I had told you about it. The people of the world value power most of all, and you were the same. But I saw in you a thirst for truth and began to teach you to love life. On the day of our meeting, I took you as a student, but you only found out about it now. The Stranger smiled, looking at the student, and went on his way...

In this parable, the wanderer saw in the young man a thirst for truth, which he did not realize, attracted by stronger thirsts - the thirst for possession, the thirst for power and the thirst for narcissism. Playing on these thirsts, the wanderer forced the young man to follow him, and the thirst for possession of a magic spear helped the capricious teenager overcome all the hardships of wandering and training and turn into an experienced warrior. Then the wanderer threw away his spear and gave the young man a new explanation for his actions. This helped the student to realize his thirst for possession, and this thirst, having fulfilled its purpose, outlived itself and disappeared, clearing the place for another thirst, already more mildly expressed - the thirst for following the Teacher. Over time, this thirst will burn out and disappear, to replace it, the young man will have a new thirst, which has almost turned into a normal need, and the young man will move on to a new round of the path, expanding his model of the world. When a person is possessed by one or more lusts, these lusts drown out the natural manifestation of the person's needs. Moreover, a person often does not even suspect that he has some unsatisfied needs, but the general dissatisfaction gradually accumulates, even if the basic thirsts are satisfied, and this violates the harmony of his existence. Thus, a person who is overwhelmed by a thirst for power and has achieved wealth and a high social position is rarely happy in his personal life, since the natural need for love and human intimacy does not reach his conscious level, he does not pay due attention to satisfying this need, and in connection with this can not feel completely happy. In the heat of the struggle for power, he does not notice his inner dissatisfaction, but as soon as the struggle ends and he reaches the pinnacle of success, a terrible thing happens. His thirst is completely satisfied. It ceases to be the main driving force of his actions. The dissatisfaction of other needs, accumulated over the years, comes to the surface, and a spiritual crisis sets in. He will be lucky if he can awaken a different thirst in himself and engage in the process of satisfying it, otherwise he will experience emotional chaos and a loss of the meaning of life. For the same reason, love that seemed boundless, passionate, and eternal turns into alienation or even revulsion after the honeymoon. A person who is ready to go to any extremes to satisfy his thirst for love and sexual intimacy and seeks reciprocity by all means, after receiving the coveted reward - the object of his adoration - finally satisfies his thirst, and then other unsatisfied needs come to the surface, such as the need for diversity , the need for solitude, the need for understanding and sympathy, the need for reliability and security, etc. If, as usually happens, partners, having satisfied their thirst for sexual intimacy, find out that they are not able to satisfy the rest of each other's desires and needs, love disappears, and in its place there is a complex bouquet of disappointments, negative feelings and bitter memories of past passion. . Lermontov perfectly described a similar situation in the story "Bela" familiar to us from school. There, Pechorin, with all the fervor of passion, seeks the love of a girl stolen for him and, in the end, falling in love with her, begins to experience unbearable boredom. In general, Pechorin can serve as a vivid example of the unpleasant consequences that the lack of satisfaction of natural human needs leads to. In his case, the first thing that catches your eye is Pechorin's inability to establish emotional contacts with other people. There is no place in his life for deep friendship or love. We do not know how such a ban on love and affection arose in his model of the world - perhaps the coldness of his mother or disappointment in first love was to blame. Often at the heart of this internal denial of love and affection is a deep fear of being hurt if the person you love rejects you, abandons you or betrays you. We notice that when Pechorin is not consumed by the satisfaction of any of his thirst, he experiences a state of boredom and inner emptiness. Life seems to him unnecessary and meaningless, because it is the feeling of love and emotional attachment, no matter what - to the place where you live, to the world that surrounds you, to the business you do, to animals, friends or relatives - and is the main source of positive emotions that make a person happy and make him feel his life is full and meaningful. Pechorin's inability to emotional attachment is compensated by a set of lusts close to the lust for self-affirmation and the lust for sensations. A sense of danger, playing with death, gambling, competing for the love of women are the very stimuli that excite him, filling the void for a while and helping to drown out the feeling of general dissatisfaction and disappointment. The Warriors of Life are thirsty. They learn to recognize, develop and satisfy all their needs, and this makes them independent, happy and harmonious. The Buddha once said, “Desires bring suffering. The person who gets rid of desire will get rid of suffering.” The calm take a different point of view. Only death can save a person from desires. When you want to eat, you can suppress hunger by an effort of will, but if you completely get rid of the desire to eat, a person will die. Therefore, the followers of Shou Dao reformulated this thought of the Buddha as follows: “Thirsts bring suffering. A person who gets rid of thirst will get rid of suffering. This formulation also requires some additions and clarifications, because getting rid of thirst alone is not enough to feel completely happy. It must be accompanied by an awareness of one's true needs and the knowledge of how to properly satisfy them, while simultaneously developing one's ability to enjoy life without limit. Although it may seem paradoxical, there is something in common between the story of the Buddha and the story of Pechorin. The search for deliverance from suffering through the absence of desires, through the absence of an emotional attitude to what is happening, which for a long time became the main obsession of Prince Gautama, arose in him in connection with a deep emotional trauma, just as Pechorin’s deep denial of emotional attachments was formed. We remember that in his youth, the Buddha was a happy and carefree prince who lived in a beautiful palace surrounded by a magnificent garden. His slightest desires were immediately fulfilled by obsequious servants. Gautama's father, wishing that nothing darkened the life of his beloved son, ordered that the prince be completely protected from any manifestations of grief and suffering. The prince grew up not suspecting that in the world there are troubles and poverty, illness and death. The prince's carefree youth ended when he saw a dead man. At that moment, faced with reality, the beautiful, bright and joyful model of Gautama's world collapsed like a house of cards. Having never encountered grief, pain, suffering and death, he did not know what it was, and therefore did not know how to resist them. The mental trauma was so strong that the prince decided to cross out his entire past life. The memories of joy had completely vanished from his soul, replaced by one terrifying, soul-rending memory that the world was filled with grief, suffering and death. The new view of the world of the future founder of the great religion was as limited and incomplete as his previous view of the world, but now all the thoughts of Gautama turned into a single thirst based on the thirst for life, the thirst for security - he decided to find a universal recipe, to save humanity from suffering once and for all. So after many years of wandering, mortification of the flesh and meditation, Gautama achieved enlightenment, becoming the Great Buddha, and humanity received a new religion. The example of the Buddha shows us that, using thirst, you can achieve a lot, but if you are not going to benefit humanity with a new religion or some brilliant accomplishments, it would be wiser not to blindly give in to your thirsts, automatically following them, but to track them, consciously using their constructive component and gradually weakening and nullifying the destructive component. Cravings that make you spend money at the card table, buy a lot of things that you absolutely do not need, make a fuss, in a vain attempt to change the world or the people around you, drive at breakneck speed in a car, enjoying a sense of danger and risk, cry, plunging into the abyss of pity to yourself, instead of trying to somehow correct the situation, are destructive, and, having realized them, you need to take certain steps towards satisfying the natural needs, due to the dissatisfaction of which these thirsts have developed. Constructive cravings force you to purposefully pursue your goals, which can be really important and useful for you. To become a champion in any sport, you must have a strong thirst for victory, a thirst for continuous improvement. The same applies to the study of something, to work or creativity. Once you have noticed your constructive cravings, learn to manage them in such a way that you devote yourself to these cravings only during the time allotted for them. For example, you should not obsessively think about work at home or indulge in fruitless fantasies about achieving a goal. Being aware of your thirsts, try at the same time to fully satisfy the needs, due to the dissatisfaction of which these thirsts have developed. With some practice, you will achieve a certain harmony in the interaction of desires and needs, when, on the one hand, some kind of thirst will help you achieve the desired results, and on the other hand, you will not accumulate general dissatisfaction. Feeling that following the thirst has exhausted you too much, you can temporarily switch to satisfying the necessary needs, bringing your psyche to a state of harmony. So:

DO NOT TRY TO FIGHT YOUR OWN THIRTS. INSTEAD LEARN TO RECOGNIZE THEM AND MANAGE THEM. THIRTS CAN BE MANAGED THROUGH NEEDS, THE LACK OF SATISFACTION OF WHICH CAUSED THE DEVELOPMENT OF THIRTS. THE MORE FULLY YOU SATISFY THESE NEEDS, THE WEAKER THE THIRST WILL BE EXPRESSED. THIRST IS CONSTRUCTIVE AND DESTRUCTIVE. FOLLOWING DESTRUCTIVE CRAVES DOES YOU OBVIOUS HARM, AND GRADUALLY, WITHOUT STRESS, YOU SHOULD GET RID OF THEM. CONSTRUCTIVE CRUSTS HELP YOU ACHIEVE GOALS USEFUL FOR YOU. Learn to control your constructive thirsty (again due to regular satisfaction or dissatisfaction of the corresponding needs) in such a way that, on the one hand, following the thirst helps you to optimally achieve the goal, and on the other hand, so that due to following you NO GENERAL DISSATISFACTION ACCUMULATED. THEN, AS THE GOAL IS ACHIEVED, THIRST WILL EXHAUST ITSELF, TURNING INTO A NORMAL NEED.
LOVE FOR YOURSELF

A person who does not know how to sincerely and completely love himself cannot be completely happy and experiences certain difficulties in making other people love him. Do not confuse self-love with narcissism and selfishness. Self-love and complete acceptance of oneself with all its strengths and weaknesses is a sign of a harmonious personality, devoid of internal conflicts. Narcissistic, self-oriented people who expect and demand attention from others, despite the fact that they may give the impression of people who love only themselves, in fact, deep down they feel their inferiority and inferiority. Their behavior is primarily aimed at increasing the level of their self-esteem and getting rid of the feeling of their own inferiority due to the attention of others. It is difficult to find a person who would be completely satisfied with all his features and actions. The image of oneself is an integral part of the model of the world. It is a set of stereotypes of thinking formed during your life in human society. From early childhood, you were told that something is good and something is bad, they gave an assessment of your qualities, actions and deeds. Over time, what people significant to you encouraged, you began to consider good, and what they condemned, bad. If there is much more "good", from your point of view, in you, you will treat yourself more positively, feeling successful and prosperous. If you believe that your shortcomings outweigh the advantages, this will not add to your satisfaction and self-confidence. Moreover, any situations that indirectly remind you of something that you consider “bad” about yourself, that once caused condemnation or disapproval from others, will immediately launch a program of anxiety or dissatisfaction with yourself. People inherited from animals an invisible “radar”, a kind of sixth sense that allows them to recognize sensations coming from a person on a subconscious level. If a person feels insecure, unworthy of love and a good attitude, then this feeling, almost according to the proverb “The hat is on fire on the thief”, is transmitted to other people on an intuitive level, and they treat him accordingly. Anyone who really feels sincere love for himself, as it were, signals to others that he is prosperous, that he is worthy of love and is able to love himself. Of course, all of the above mainly refers to communication with normal civilized people. A gang of drugged teenagers attacking a lonely passerby on the street does not care about his self-perception, and in your environment there will always be people obsessed with their problems, unable to perceive and respond to other moods coming from others, but in most cases, your perception of yourself in significantly affects relationships with people. I encountered the manifestation of such stereotypes of negative self-perception in Spain. Louis was a very attractive, perfectly physically developed man. He graduated from the university with the best results in his faculty and earned a very significant capital by Spanish standards. Much to my surprise, it turned out that he considered himself ugly and stupid. As it turned out, as a child, he was regularly told about this by his family, and despite the fact that life clearly proved the opposite, Louis continued to consider himself that way, imagining that because of these shortcomings of his, no woman was able to love him. Apparently, women really intuitively felt this mood of his, and in relations with them he did not have much success. At first, I just told Luis that he had a perfectly normal level of intelligence and that as a man he was quite attractive. He didn't believe me. Louis objected that I was only saying this out of politeness, so as not to offend him. Then I told him about the stereotypes of thinking that make a person perceive reality distortedly, and since he was really smart, he understood this idea the first time, but understanding does not mean realizing, and in order to translate it to an emotional level, he it took time. Louis had a practical mindset, and the statistics might seem quite reliable to him. I explained to him the main classic criteria for male beauty, proportionality and development of the body and advised him to carefully examine himself in the mirror, and then, strictly following these criteria, begin to compare himself with other men for attractiveness. Soon, Louis was surprised and delighted to say that he had been examining men in the gym locker room for several days and found out that his body was much more proportionate and muscular than most of them. After that, I explained to him that he should not only know that he is attractive, but also feel attractive, gave him some exercises to develop this feeling, and also recommended slightly changing the style of clothing. The effect was amazing. Familiar women and work colleagues began vying to compliment him, saying how handsome he is and how beautiful he looks, students (he taught at the institute) also began to compliment him and, using various pretexts, such as congratulations on the next holiday, kissed him with pleasure on the cheek. This finally convinced Luis that he was not ugly at all, and by admitting that he was quite handsome, Louis was finally able to accept the fact that he was not stupid at all. Associated with the story of Louis, I am reminded of a completely opposite case. When I was sixteen years old, my friend and I went on vacation to her Lithuanian dissident acquaintances who live in a small village near Klaipeda. Shortly before our arrival, the landlady's son had returned from prison, where he had served four years for fighting for the independence of Lithuania and hoisting the Lithuanian national flag on the chimney of a factory. Alexis made a lasting impression on us. He was short, slightly overweight, with the face of a rustic simpleton covered with reddish spots, but his charm, love of life and inner awareness of his own value and uniqueness literally infected those around him, causing him the warmest feelings. Going out into the spacious dining room, Alexis, with all the crowds of people, did the same ritual every morning. He approached the mirror and, gently stroking his head, said: “How beautiful I am, how smart I am, how charming and attractive I am!” - Why are you doing it? I asked, hearing this curious monologue for the first time. “This is auto-training,” Alexis chuckled cheerfully. “I was taught it in prison. To be beautiful and feel good, you need to convince yourself that you are beautiful and good. My friend and I also began to stroke our heads, talking out loud about how beautiful and irresistible we are. Then I took it all as just another funny joke of Alexis, but one thing struck me: although at the first meeting Alexis seemed almost ugly to me, every day he really seemed to me more and more beautiful, and by the end of the holidays my girlfriend and I ears fell in love with it. The method of influencing people around through the internal perception of oneself is clearly reflected in an excerpt from my book "The Secret Teachings of Taoist Warriors", in which Lee, the Teacher of Alexander Medvedev, gives him the task to try out the technique of projecting his inner state onto random passers-by.

Types and levels of communication

Communication is a multidimensional, multifunctional, diverse process. In psychology, there are several classifications of types of communication. They present this phenomenon in various ways, enriching the palette of its characteristics. The most commonly used are those that can be described as follows:

Depending on the specifics of the subjects (individual or group), interpersonal, intergroup, intersocial communication, as well as communication between an individual and a group, are distinguished;

According to the quantitative characteristics of the subjects, the same is distinguished - communication, interpersonal communication and mass communications;

By the nature of communication can be mediated and direct, and dialogical monologue;

According to the target orientation, anonymous communication, role-playing, informal, including intimate family communication, are distinguished.

Each of us daily has to contact with many strangers. This communication is anonymous. When a person has many contacts at the same time, she wants to relieve nervous tension from time to time, relax a little, calm down. Therefore, people often try to avoid contacts in transport or in a queue: they close their eyes, leaf through newspapers, look out the window, etc. If communication occurs, it is carried out at a ritual level.

Communication is manifested from the very first minutes of our attitude to the role we have chosen. Let's say one of us is a subordinate, and who is a leader. Everyone must act in accordance with their functional duties, observing the rules of professional culture in communication. Often the leader behaves condescendingly, neglects the human dignity of the subordinate, talks to him rudely and unceremoniously. And the subordinate understands that the leader, therefore, resorts to such actions, because he is not confident in himself, he is afraid of losing his place, and, according to the following form of behavior, seeks to hide his insolvency.

For functional-role communication is very important benevolence, respect for people the ability to see a person in front of you. This attitude is evidenced, in particular, by a smile, as well as the ability to tell the person something good (for example, compliment on against the backdrop of an anticompliment to himself: “You have such a memory that you can envy kindly”, “You work so well on a computer, I don’t know how”).

Finally, informal communication (very conditionally) involves the exchange of spiritual values. It is dynamic, in the center of it - attention to interpersonal relationships, and not to prestige or mercantile interests. A special kind of informal communication is intimate family. It concerns each of us. We all want a person close to us to be in communication with us. cultural, sensitive, understanding what we didn't say out loud could read in our eyes, in facial expressions, gestures that worries us. But we must remember that the level of culture of a person close to us depends on us. If she did not live up to our expectations, this means that we could not help her, find appropriate ways and means of communication, do not showed by example how to lead.

Role positions in communication are sometimes described as “attach from above”, “devices from below”, and “attach next”. For example, people sit next to each other in a trolleybus. They operate in basically, unconsciously. One will fit on the seat So, that the other will immediately become uncomfortable. The second, on the contrary, perch only at the tip, so as not to disturb the neighbor. And finally, the third, keep loose, sit comfortably myself, without disturbing the neighbour. In all cases, the passengers do not appear to be talking to each other, but the role they take provides information to others about each.

The concept of E. Bern is interesting. He describes the games of life using the positions that one takes in certain situations - Parent, Child and Adult. According to E. Bern, it is advisable to single out six levels of communication: 1) “zero communication” or “closing in on oneself”; 2) rituals (norms of communication); 3) entertainment; 4) games (a person thinks one thing, but demonstrates another in order to lead the other into a trap); 5) proximity; 6) work (business communication). On the everyone From these levels, a person uses different ways and means of communication, because his goal changes every time.

We see that there are different approaches to the classification of communication levels. However, the analysis shows that all of them, as a rule, include in one form or another three main levels:

Manipulation (from rough treatment of a person of such behavior, where external manifestations sometimes even have a pleasant character);

Competition, rivalry (from communication, when “man is a wolf to man”, to such, when honest rivalry contributes to a certain movement forward);

Cooperation ("man to man - man"). At this last level, it is possible to humanize a person, that is, communication, in which humanistic attitudes and a high level of his culture are manifested.

The functions, types, levels of communication are described, giving its versatile characteristics. But most people reduce communication to a simple transmission and reception of information, that is, to its informative and communicative function, without using dialogue to organize joint activities. Or, say, a person does not learn to recognize others, during communication he uses only stereotypical ideas about them, does not know how to decipher the totality of means of communication (primarily non-verbal ones) accordingly. At the same time, a person who owns a culture of communication will quickly figure out the situation that will be imposed on her, for example, “a device from above”. She will be able to raise a further conversation with a partner to a level where the dignity and honor of both interlocutors are not belittled.

Consequently, knowledge about the characteristic features of communication for everyone whoever learns them and knows how to put them into practice will become the “rudder and sail” that will help them live with dignity and communicate effectively, moreover, grow spiritually themselves and help others in this. Such knowledge and skills will help to get rid of many complications in human relationships.

ATbackings

Communication is an important form of human existence, a condition for the life of people, a way of uniting them. It is genetically the primary basis of the culture of communication.

Communication is an interpersonal and intergroup interaction, the basis of which is the knowledge of each other and the exchange of certain results of mental activity (information, thoughts feelings, opinions, etc.).

The need for communication develops from simple forms (the need for emotional contact) to more complex ones (in cooperation, intimate personal communication, etc.).

The culture of communication is determined by a conscious and reasonable attitude to the use of all its aspects, functions and types in unity.

The highest level of moral culture of communication is characterized by humanistic orientations in interpersonal relationships and an empathic way of perceiving each other.

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6. Lysina M. Y. The problem of the ontogeny of communication. - M., 1986.

7. Loznitsa V. S. Psychology Management: Proc. allowance. - K., 1997.

8. Lomov BF Psychic processes and communication // Methodological and theoretical problems of social psychology. - M., 1975.

9. Melibruda E. I-You-We. Psychological opportunities to improve communication: Per. from the floor - M., 1986.

10. Fundamentals of psychological knowledge: Proc. allowance / Auth.-comp. G. V. Shchekin. - K., 1996.

11. Psychology: Dictionary / Under the general. ed. A. V. Petrovsky, M. G. Yaroshevsky. - 2nd ed. - M., 1990.

12. Sukharev V. The art of recognizing people. - D., 1998.

13. Kharash A. V. Personality, consciousness and communication: to substantiate the intersubjective approach in the study of communicative influence // Psychological and pedagogical problems of communication. - M., 1979.

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15. Yanoushek Ya. Problems of communication in the conditions of joint activity // Vopr. psychology. - 1982.- No. 6.

Part 4. KNOWLEDGE AND APPROACH

Part 5. SEARCH LABORATORY

Introduction
Meeting scenarios

Introduction

Sometimes I ask myself: maybe my life would have turned out differently if twenty years ago someone had told me about life and people what I know now? Perhaps, I would answer this question in the affirmative, but I cannot say that I am absolutely sure of this. The same question can be formulated differently: if today someone told me about life and people what I will probably learn in the next twenty years, would I already try to change my life taking into account the information received? This question is much more difficult to answer, and it is unlikely that I could convince myself or the reader with my answer.

Such questions seem especially intriguing when it comes to the opportunity to enrich your knowledge in the field of interpersonal relationships. You can learn more about how people relate to each other on the basis of your own experience - such knowledge is called personal knowledge - but general knowledge can be obtained by assimilating some concepts and schemes created by other people, for example, from books. Traces of the past constantly live in me - information that I gathered from direct communication with different people in various situations. This information is always with me - helping or hindering me in life.

Personal knowledge is not just a dispassionate collection of information about other people and about myself, it is deeply rooted in my emotional life. Therefore, when echoes of the past appear in my thoughts or images, I feel, sometimes without realizing the reasons for this, that I have touched something especially important to me. Due to the emotional coloring, personal knowledge can have a much greater influence on behavior than general knowledge. I think that it is impossible to acquire personal knowledge before some life situations arise that allow one to accumulate certain experience. Such experience cannot be obtained as a gift, it cannot be gleaned from books. To avoid misunderstanding, I want to make a reservation: personal knowledge acquired through life experience, some information about oneself and other people is not always and is not necessarily useful and valuable to a person and does not necessarily have to be so. However, their role is very important. Personal knowledge does not arise as a simple sum of elements of life experience and is not the result of automatic fixation of events in which a person participated. What I see and feel in specific situations, I process and systematize with the help of general schemes and concepts. Therefore, it happens that, having analyzed some event with the help of other concepts and schemes, of which I was once a participant, I begin to realize it in a different way, and this event becomes the source of a different personal content of my knowledge. This is how general schemes and concepts gleaned from books and conversations with people can influence personal knowledge. Therefore, the expression "to learn today what you can learn someday later" can be interpreted in two ways. One version of the reading, for example, could be as follows: "to have already today the experience that will be acquired over the next years." This idea looks tempting, but it is completely unrealistic. The second version of the reading, formulated less decisively, may be as follows: "to have at one's disposal many different concepts and schemes of analysis with the help of which it would be possible to process one's individual experience in many different ways." This idea seems to me not only attractive, but also quite real.

She determined the direction of my work on the book, which I now hand over to the reader. You will not find in it a detailed review of psychological ideas about interpersonal relationships. From the sea of ​​information on this topic, I tried to choose mainly what, in my opinion, can be useful for a person interested in finding the optimal form of interpersonal relationships. It is quite natural that the information is biased, based on one's own ideas about what is more or less important in this area. This cannot be avoided when faced with the task of choice.

I will note, however, that I have written rather little about certain aspects of interpersonal relations, although I consider them extremely important. I mean such enduring values ​​in human relations as kindness, benevolence, honesty, tolerance, and so on. My choice is explained by the fact that quite a lot has already been said and written about this, and I would like to pay more attention to issues about which somewhat less is known and written.

It's no secret that interpersonal relationships are as important to us as the air we breathe. The earth's atmosphere contains in appropriate proportions the elements necessary for the life and normal functioning of organisms. These elements surround us and penetrate into every organism. Interpersonal relationships play a similar role in the social life of people. We often say that in some situation "there was an oppressive atmosphere, full of tension, hostility and suspicion", or we recall "a cordial atmosphere of goodwill and mutual tolerance".

The lack or excess of individual elements of the atmosphere of interpersonal communication makes it difficult, and sometimes makes it impossible to have a normal life that brings a sense of satisfaction. Examples of the too high price that most people have to pay for a long stay in an unhealthy atmosphere of disturbed interpersonal relationships are neurosis and other emotional disorders, suicide attempts, alcoholism, psychosomatic diseases such as heart attacks, various ulcers of the esophagus, asthma, etc. However, often the connection between health disorders, human suffering and the characteristics of the relationship in which he lived and was formed is indirect and implicit. It takes skill and time to discover and understand these connections. And for a deeper analysis of these dependencies and the choice of an adequate form of elimination of violations, the help of a specialist in the field of psychotherapy is sometimes necessary.

It is easier to detect other, albeit less obvious, consequences of interpersonal impairments. It is well known how often many efforts, creative ideas, ambitions and hopes are ruined in an atmosphere of unhealthy struggle or indifference. Probably, many of the readers themselves had the opportunity to verify this. Comparing the atmosphere of interpersonal relationships with an airy atmosphere, we may be on the wrong track. The Earth's atmosphere arose long before the appearance of man on Earth, and its composition was formed independently of the influence of people. True, now with the development of industrial civilization, people are doing a lot to pollute the Earth's atmosphere, but it is not so easy to completely spoil it, and we can hope that for some time we will have something to breathe.

The atmosphere of interpersonal relationships is created by the people themselves. By their actions, they can pollute this atmosphere, disrupt the optimal proportion of its constituent elements. But people can contribute to the improvement of this atmosphere, they can change it so that a climate is established that is conducive to personal development and the equal coexistence of entire communities.

There has been a lot of talk and writing about interpersonal relationships lately. The idea of ​​the significance of this sphere of life, of its enduring value, has been established. This is due to the fact that people are more and more successful in coping with economic and political problems, and, consequently, more attention and time can be devoted to organizing everyday communication with each other. During the years of war and deprivation, the problems of interpersonal relations did not seem as important as in peacetime, when basic material needs were satisfied.

It once seemed that the only obstacle to the happy coexistence of people is the existence of social systems based on the unfair distribution of material wealth, on the exploitation of man by man. However, now, when many nations overcome this obstacle, establishing more equitable socio-economic relations, it turned out that the problem of the quality of interpersonal contacts is much more complex than previously thought. Social changes occurring on the scale of entire nations do not automatically entail fundamental changes on the scale of the daily relationships of individuals. Only the general conditions of their life change, and this increases the chances of establishing better forms of coexistence. However, this is only an opportunity that has yet to be seized.

The quality of interpersonal relationships in our daily lives is often rated as unsatisfactory. The reasons for this are usually seen in the existence of "bad people", people who are credited with special character traits and actions that deserve unambiguous criticism and moral censure. Most often, these traits include: selfishness, indifference, rudeness, deceit, lack of education, moral principles, culture, etc. Although we use these epithets quite often, they say little by themselves.

It is much more important to pay attention to the very common tendency to talk and think about people almost exclusively in terms of evaluation. The use of black-and-white categories of good and evil to explain complex phenomena makes it difficult - and sometimes simply impossible - to understand what is really happening between people. This way of thinking, with the help of assessments and labels, pushes to search for those responsible for troubles and failures, and then to severe reprisals against them. This position makes it much more difficult to try to improve relationships in which people do not commit clear violations of legal and ethical norms, but at the same time they live unhappily with each other.

When everyone involved contributes to an unhealthy relationship, it's hard to even just start a normal and calm conversation about ways to change the relationship for the better. Most often in such situations, people begin to blame each other, swear and attack each other, and few people want to be in the role of the guilty and condemned. Most of the difficulties, problems and conflicts between people cannot be resolved through the penal code or disciplinary regulations. It seems to me that people often suffer, feel sad, afraid of something, upset and renounce something as a result of actions committed without malicious intent. In these situations it is difficult to determine who is to blame, it is difficult to correct what happened with the help of punitive measures. Instead, you can look for and identify the causes of difficulties, problems, and failures.

In order to truly and in detail know the reality of interpersonal relationships, in order to understand what is really happening in people and between them, you need to be able to give up judgments, from the search for an evil genius, from the desire to dump all problems in one heap. On the contrary, it may be much more important to develop the ability to look at people's problems from different points of view, carefully and without prejudice. It is also important to learn to listen carefully to what is being said, to be aware of what you feel and do in the process of communication.

Especially valuable is the ability to distinguish between what you see and hear, and how you evaluate it, to distinguish between what exists and what should exist. In specific situations, this is not so easy to achieve. I believe, however, that many people are interested in better understanding how they live with others and how they can make this life happier. I wrote this book with these people in mind, although I understand that no book, even much better than this one, can replace the real search that each of us can lead. I do not believe in the value of ready-made recipes for life, so in this work you will not find specific recommendations on how to behave with people in order for relationships to develop successfully. On the contrary, I have tried to draw attention to problems whose posing can help in my own daily searches.

I think it makes no sense to constantly analyze our actions and the situations in which we were participants. This can be an obstacle to spontaneous and sincere interaction. However, when we want to change something for the better or help someone in this, it is important to make more efforts than usual in order to properly understand the existing relationship.

Perhaps some fragments of this book will seem somewhat boring to a person who is not accustomed to systematically analyze everyday situations and events. In the education of a modern person, there is a huge disproportion between how much time and effort is spent on obtaining detailed information about the life of animals, plants, as well as physical and chemical phenomena, and what is done to obtain systematized knowledge about various aspects of interpersonal relationships, about psychological personality traits. Therefore, people, as a rule, are more attracted by their own impressions of communication with others, examples from life, rather than individual studies of various mental phenomena or an analysis of typical forms of behavior. Schooling does not develop the habit of thinking systematically about these issues.

We often have to analyze the nature of relationships between people in situations that are not very favorable for serious reflection and accurate understanding. The quality of interpersonal contacts usually attracts our attention when we are not satisfied with them, when something unpleasant happens. In these cases, we begin to look around almost involuntarily for the culprit rather than the cause.

The feeling of dissatisfaction with communication is inherent in people in whose lives two important phenomena appear too often and with excessive intensity: collision and alienation.

It seems that a collision is the most often described and encountered form of contacts between people. However, the manifestations of this form are very diverse. In some cases, the clash manifests itself exclusively in the struggle, in the attempts of opponents to disarm each other. An example of this would be a situation where someone is trying to be discredited through intrigue, persecution, false accusations, and so on. Other forms of clashes are more like fights between boxers or fencers - the main thing that partners strive for is to prove their advantage over the other. Sometimes the main goal is to establish dominance over other people in order to subordinate them to your interests or use them for your own benefit.

Among the various forms of clashes, one can also find those that contain constructive and valuable beginnings both for the participants in the clash and for other people or even entire communities. Constructive intellectual disputes, confrontations of different positions can bring certain benefits and satisfaction, can help improve the situation in the world. Communication in the form of collisions is the result of individual differences between people and occurs when the actions of individuals participating in one situation have an antagonistic orientation. Collisions are the result of a mismatch of attitudes, feelings, aspirations, goals, behaviors and ways of thinking. Naturally, disagreements, contradictions and conflicts cannot be avoided in life.

However, in reality, most often it is not the conflicts themselves that have a destructive effect on people and make it difficult for them to live together, but the consequences of certain forms of behavior in a conflict situation: fear, hostility, a sense of threat. If these experiences are excessively intense and prolonged, a defensive reaction may arise and consolidate in people, that is, behavior that is woven into the structure of the personality and distorts the nature of thinking, actions and feelings.

The negative consequences of fear, hostility and a sense of danger extend to other situations in which this subject becomes a participant. Thus, something like a chain reaction occurs, which covers ever wider areas of interpersonal relationships. For example, a person brought up in an atmosphere of fear and danger may later become a source of such an atmosphere, raising his children or leading his subordinates. At the same time, he acts not quite consciously, not guided by the so-called malicious intent. He only reproduces some stereotype of interpersonal contacts, which was fixed in him sometime in the past as part of his personality.

The defensive reaction in response to feelings of fear and threat can manifest itself in various forms of behavior. Sometimes, under the influence of fear, a person tries to become "small and inconspicuous" so as not to catch the eye of those who are a source of threat to him. Often there are people who once in the past chose a similar style of response and behavior for themselves and behave in this way, although the original source of danger has long since disappeared. However, such a "small" person with a constant sense of insecurity will be much more likely than others to face situations of threat from the outside world. And this will strengthen him in the consciousness of the danger and his powerlessness before it.

Another type of defensive behavior, which is very common, is the constant readiness for an attack, for the destruction or neutralization of a source of danger. If this type of response becomes a stable personality trait, then the readiness to attack extends to potential sources of threat. Every person can turn out to be such a potential source, except perhaps for the very weak and obedient. Often, in order to avoid such a potential threat from other people, they resort to attempts to subjugate them to their power or constantly control them, taking a safe place above them due to their unattainability. This behavior is also not dictated by evil intentions, people who often act in this way are solely concerned with feeling confident and safe. To enjoy working with others or teaching them, such people need to be in control.

Another way to deal with your own sense of fear and impending danger is to master a set of tricks, games, and manipulations to keep the other person at a safe distance. Sometimes it even helps in achieving small victories in constant skirmishes. Constant readiness for defensive-offensive games and manipulations requires changing various masks and costumes, which should deceive the enemy. However, it often happens that the true appearance of a person, tightly hidden under a mask, seems to be lost, disappears. He who too often plays or pretends in front of other people himself ceases to understand what is true and authentic in him, and what is artificial.

In such a situation, it is impossible to establish real sincere contacts with others, and moreover, a person loses contact with himself, ceasing to understand who he really is.

Sometimes the collision is transformed into another form of contact, which can be called alienation. Alienation can be seen as a specific form of self-defense in the form of a truce, often associated with a sense of one's own powerlessness or fatigue that comes as a result of the previous struggle. Alienation can be characteristic not only for relations between people who know little of each other and have few common interests, but also for relations between those who are united by a common work, joint scientific activity, belonging to the same family or group. Such relationships are characterized by detachment, indifference or a sense of alienation.

Even if everything was completely different before, now people are losing interest in each other, and their behavior towards each other becomes just a mechanical repetition of the past, a manifestation of once developed stereotypes. Thoughts about each other become just as stereotypical and fruitless, their meaning and significance are lost. It is as if the source that nourished the relationship dries up, giving it personal meaning. People look at each other, but what they see seems unimportant to them, they listen to each other, but what they hear seems to them monotonous, colorless and not conducive to mutual understanding. It happens that even a once great and stormy passion, mutual charm of partners suffers a complete collapse and alienation comes to replace mutual closeness.

It also happens that people live together for many years, feeling mutual alienation and a great distance, but at the same time they believe that this is how it should be, that this is inevitable. Often they even think that such alienation is a normal phenomenon, and do not imagine how it could be otherwise. Alienation is almost always associated with a breakdown in communication. This leads to the restriction or rupture of relations, a decrease in the level of mutual understanding. However, often behind the external mutual alienation are hidden still alive, but suppressed reactions, feelings and desires. People are afraid or unable to express what is happening in them. Therefore, they try to keep it in themselves, hide it from others.

Inner experiences that cannot be adequately expressed become a burden and an obstacle in further contacts. The resulting feeling of alienation, distance, isolation causes much more damage than the possible losses associated with the risk that one has to take in search of new better ways of understanding. Unfortunately, what people fear most is precisely the risk that invariably accompanies any attempt to change something.

A slightly more relaxed form of alienation, in which the feeling of isolation and alienation is not experienced so sharply, is the so-called conventional correctness. It is based on the observance of certain rigidly defined boundaries, within which one should keep one's own behavior and the behavior of another person. These boundaries are established under the influence of certain conventional norms inherent in this environment, or as a result of the operation of unwritten laws in the performance of social roles. Indeed, adherence to such rules and conventions facilitates social interaction, allowing for the foreseeing and control of people's actions, but people whose communication takes place only within such boundaries often experience a strong sense of dissatisfaction. Some of them complain in such cases that they constantly seem to be participating in the same play, and the costumes they wear and the text of their roles prevent them from establishing a sincere and intimate relationship.

However, there are situations that occur more often for some, less for others, when we give up our weapons and armor, take off our costumes and masks. These are moments of genuine meeting, real contact and mutual understanding. At such moments, you can appear before another in your true form, without pretending. What people say, and what they express without words in such situations, corresponds to what they think and feel. Thanks to this, mutual respect, openness, and deeper knowledge of each other become possible. This contributes to the successful joint resolution of conflicts and problems. And then it turns out that people are ready to selflessly help each other as soon as the need arises. It is clear that the true communication described in this way does not mean a cloudless idyll of unclouded heavenly happiness.

Each of us is characterized by complex and internally contradictory thoughts, ideas and attitudes, sometimes painfully making contact difficult. And when we meet with another person, we must be prepared for the fact that we will encounter all his personal characteristics. This often requires tolerance, a certain amount of skill and faith that such communication is possible. The absence of mutual threats, the rejection of a defensive position, mutual acceptance, honest and sincere actions, all this allows people to evaluate situations of such communication as the most valuable moments in life. However, they do not occur very often and are short-lived. Although people think that moments like this are the result of chance, they really aren't. Each of us can do something to increase the possibility of such communication, even if its forms are diverse and do not coincide with our ideal idea of ​​interpersonal contacts. It seems to me that a person who is interested in improving relationships should not make excessive and harsh demands on himself and others, forcibly adjusting his actions to some planned or previously formed immutable pattern.

Such demands can become a barrier to achieving any change. The changing course of everyday life, meeting with different people make us constantly choose the style of behavior with others. This often requires changes in previously formed patterns of behavior and ideas about oneself and others. However, it often happens that we try to avoid this and stubbornly repeat only what was once fixed in our behavior and thoughts. Anyone who in childhood realized that for him the most beneficial way of behavior is compliance and passivity, can for many years, and sometimes until the end of his life, behave in relations with others in accordance with this model. Someone else, brought up in conditions that have shaped his readiness for rebellion, struggle and suspicion, in subsequent years and in other situations, can constantly implement such a stereotype of behavior. Each of us, to some extent, is guided by patterns of behavior formed in the past. However, depending on the situation and goals, we make new elections and can test the value and effectiveness of old designs. The presence of patterns of behavior and thinking certainly makes life easier for us, because ready-made ways to solve various problems follow from them, but at the same time they can be the cause of routine and sketchy actions. Constant use of them makes it difficult to see the inimitable, unique, changing characteristics of people and situations. It is important, therefore, to have at least a few models at your disposal, to be able to use them flexibly, to go beyond the usual patterns, and to be sensitive to opportunities to act and think in new ways. Then, perhaps, an understanding will come that the nature of the interaction of people in the process of living together is not determined by a combination of circumstances or destiny. This, however, does not mean that each of us is free to build our own relationships. Nevertheless, I believe that everyone has opportunities that have not yet been fully realized.