Everything goes on as usual: the plot is familiar, the roles are clear, the frame is replaced by a frame. But at some stage, the main character will definitely ask: “What do I want from life? Is this my role? Am I really happy? Such questions can change your whole life, and the search for answers can give you an invaluable experience. You can start right now by learning about the 6 steps to success. But first, it is advisable to familiarize yourself with the symptoms of an indefinite state.

Signs that a person does not know what he really wants:

• Questions “What will we order for breakfast?”, “Latte or americano?”, “By metro or on foot?” make them hesitate, changing solutions several times in 1 minute.
• There is a sharp desire to go somewhere (to the cinema, for example), but as soon as the film starts, the person realizes that he does not want to watch it.
• Periodically rolls sensations of emptiness or, leading to.
• There is nothing to do, to move in the usual rhythm.
• Sometimes you get the impression that you are watching yourself from the outside.
• Any pressure with requests to solve something drives into a "dead end" and causes irritation.

Now let's move on to solutions.

1. Where is "I" here?

Caring parents are accustomed to "themselves know what is best." They strive to solve all problematic issues for their children, to protect them from the "negative influence" of the outside world or financial difficulties. That is why the issue of graduates is not decided, but by their experienced relatives. “You will go to a lawyer,” says a knowledgeable father. “A teacher is a prestigious and stable job,” the grandmother intervenes. “Replace me in the accounting department, the place is already heated,” Mom turns on.

So it turns out that a talented artist, who could become a high-class designer in the future, succumbs to the persuasion of adults. He enters an unloved faculty, gets an unloved job and lives a life that is not his own. But you can at any moment. The main thing is to discard what is imposed by someone from the outside. The emergence of questions “Where is the real me in all this?” and “What do I want from life?” is not only a sign of maturity, but also a motivating pill for personal growth.

2. Put a dossier on yourself.

Devoting a lot of time to work, the problems of loved ones or other people's posts on social networks, we completely forget about ourselves. It's not about looks or entertainment, but about knowing yourself. Modern life is like a race, where in a hurry to "finish everything", you lose the main thing - understanding what you really want from life. A dossier compiled in a frank conversation with oneself will help to find it. To do this, you need to remember what you liked to do in childhood, what are your inclinations to, is it buried in the ground?

Children's photographs, letters or awards once received, as well as psychological research can become assistants in detective work. There are many on the Internet that help you to know yourself better, paying attention to qualities that may have remained in the shadows. Communication with psychologists, attending master classes or participating in webinars aimed at studying personality can be beneficial.

3. What is written with a pen ...

Thoughts and conversations are one thing, and writing on a piece of paper is a responsible step. Maybe such a statement sounds joking, but as soon as a person picks up a pen, he immediately finds a “stupor”. In order to write the first line, you need to at least concentrate, gather, concentrate. At this stage, it is advisable to perform several exercises.

• Write about your dreams and desires. The more specific they are formulated, the easier the subsequent work will be.
• Continue the sentences: "I want ...", "I don't want ...". It can be anything, but it is desirable that the number of offers in the total amount does not exceed 14 positions.
• Now it's time to become Aladdin, who was lucky enough to find a magic lamp with Genie. And then - everything is like in the famous story: Jin is ready to fulfill only three wishes. Damn, you can't change your mind! Having carefully re-read and considered all the points, we can safely distinguish three main “wants”. Even if the fairy-tale hero forgets about them, there will now be guidelines for what to strive for.

4. Looking to the future.

Many young people are used to living for today, forgetting to ask themselves: "to achieve in life?" But in vain. After all, it is this dialogue that determines the course of movement, the level of work on oneself and much more. To understand in which direction to go, it is enough to draw (does not matter verbally or in writing) yourself in 10, 20 and 30 years.

If the imagination has created, for example, a positive image of a successful doctor in his own car, then most likely you should try to get a quality education and good practice. But if the silhouette of a doctor seems unhappy, irritated or tired, then maybe the path chosen is wrong?

A person from the future is simply obliged to be smiling and happy, otherwise everything does not make sense.

You can figure out what I want to do and what to do by trial and error. There are many different ways in the world, trying something radically new. Perhaps sewing purses, filming documentaries, or blogging would be ideal. And ate not? This means that the experience gained will show the direction in which it is definitely not necessary to move. After all, understanding what I do not want skillfully separates the wheat from the chaff.

Why do we not achieve such success that would please and inspire us? Often the point is that we do not strive for what we really want, we choose goals and plans that the world around us and other people dictate to us, and not our own values, interests and desires. In Conquering Your Fear, Mandy Holgate provides an exercise to help you identify your true dreams and strategies for getting started on your path.

Do you want a Ferrari?

I often ask listeners: "Who in this room wants to have a Ferrari?" What response do you think I'm getting? Forest of hands? Several voices: "Yes, let's get her here!"? What answer do you expect?

In my practice, usually one or two people raise their hand. And then I ask these few daredevils who bravely wave their hand near their ear: “If you really want a Ferrari, then why are you so hesitant to admit it? Do not stretch your hand to the ceiling, do not jump on a chair, as in the first grade, when you know the answer and want the teacher to ask you specifically?

You see, when you really want a Ferrari, it's a real passion - an inner stimulus that you feel in every cell. Whenever you hear a coveted name or see a photo of your dream car, you are filled with excitement and curiosity.

But not once, when I gave this example, did I see such excitement, such passion, such tension of feelings in those who supposedly dream of a Ferrari, which does not allow them to sit still: “I will now burst from love at first sight, if I don’t allowed to speak in the same nanosecond!”

This is what true passion looks like. You need to understand what your goals and inner drives are and gain the confidence to be yourself without pretending. Find out what makes you feel so full of life that you, before reading this phrase, notice how your heart beats faster, your lips open in a smile, and you begin to fantasize about the results. Here is the passion. Here is the goal. But too often we hide what we really want and who we are for the sake of others. And therefore we achieve only those results that others want from us.

Author's exercise "My values"

One day in a coaching session, the client, after completing one of the exercises below, found out to her horror that her hobby was higher on her priority list than her husband. And it was not as clear cut as it seems. Together, we found out that she did nothing for the sake of what really mattered to her: she did not pay enough attention to this important hobby for herself, she constantly ignored and suppressed the internal stimuli that helped her to feel the fullness of life. But when she realized what values ​​​​are significant to her, she was able to change something - and noticed significant improvements in all areas of her life. She did not make a choice between her husband and her hobby. And of course, her priority list didn't mean she didn't love her husband. But it was important for her to realize the values ​​that make up her personality, and to understand: ignoring them, she does not feel happy, alive, and this, in turn, affects many other aspects of her life and work.

1. List everything that is important to you in life.

This list will not be shown to anyone. You don't have to explain your choice. If you include children in this list, but not a husband (or wife), that's your business, and no one will judge you for it. Then choose ten items from the written. Below I give my list - you can take it as a sample. Not necessarily your list will be similar - write about what you want.

For example, career, travel, family, success, friends, money, hobbies, culture, work, recreation, sports, health, physical activity, socialization, finance, writing, gardening, reading, music are important to me.

Draw such a sign and write your points in each line of the first column - in any order:

Table from the book

2. Compare these points with each other in pairs.

For example, if you had to choose, would you be able to do without family or vacation? If you could not give up the family, then the family scores one point and the rest scores zero. Could you do without family or entertainment? If you can't do without entertainment, then entertainment gets one point, and the family gets zero. This does not mean that something is wrong with your family or with yourself. Don't you dare blame yourself. This list will not need to be shown to anyone, you compile it for yourself and only for yourself in order to see what is important to you in life. If you give a family a zero point, it does not mean that it is unimportant to you. You simply determine what place it occupies in your system of priorities. So remember: no guilt, just honesty. Listen to your intuition and write the pure truth!

3. Work through the entire column in this way, comparing the first item with the third, fourth, and so on.

I compare family and entertainment, family and work, family and helping others, and you have your own list. Repeat for each item.

You will end up with a board that looks like this. Table from the book

4. Sum the scores for each item.

This information will help you understand what your priorities are. Let's say in our example the top values ​​are family, fun and helping others, because family scores nine points, entertainment scores eight, and helping others scores seven.

It's important to know your top ten values ​​in life, but it's even more important to identify the top three that have the most impact on your life. In our example, leisure and money each received four points, which means they are not as significant as the first three values. However, they are on the list, and this will help to consciously take them into account in life. You will certainly come across situations where these values ​​will have to be given their due: for example, I want to make a large purchase and I am ready to work hard for this. But let's not forget about the rest!

Yes, it's scary to admit: "These are my priorities." But you have to start somewhere, right? Have you noticed that some people walk around with dull eyes, as if a light bulb has burned out inside them, while others seem to glow from the inside, shine and are full of life? Often this exercise brings unexpected discoveries. A person discovers that what he considered the main value in his life is not so high on his list of priorities. Realizing this, you get the opportunity to live a fulfilling life.

motives

If you want to realize your wildest goals and dreams, learn to go against the flow. You will need to consider other people's opinions. In general, you will experience fear. But positive actions find a positive response. Only inertia and inaction allow fear to grow and worsen.

You must know your values, know what inspires you and why.

And yet, fear can be a decisive factor that prevents you from acting in order to get the desired result, which is internally valuable to you. To motivate yourself to take the necessary action, look at your motives. If you don't live up to your values, what are you agreeing to? Ask yourself these important questions:

• If I don't understand who I am and don't feel ready to stand up for it and be myself, then what am I agreeing to?
• If I deviate from my nature and from my values, what am I agreeing to in this case?

Remember the exercise "My Values". What values ​​are important to you? What are you willing to do without? What are you willing to sacrifice? Ask yourself:

• If I continue to deviate from my values, how will this affect my life?
• How will this affect my loved ones?

Yes, deciding to realize your potential can be scary. But isn't it scarier to hide your true nature? Remember how a person who really wants a Ferrari feels? That's what you should feel - the deepest inner need to know the answers to these questions.

We watch movies and vlogs, scroll through social media feeds, communicate with friends and relatives. And the richer the informational noise around, the more difficult it is to separate where our true dreams are, and where they are imposed by others. But sooner or later it will have to be done. Because trying to realize "other" desires, we ignore our own.

Find and neutralize

Even when you yourself do not understand what you are striving for, you often clearly know what others expect from you. Their settings can be both an invaluable clue and a broken compass. To begin with, it is important to understand what has come into your life “from outside”. Describe how your mom / dad / sister / boss and others wanted to see you. What did they advise you? What future was predicted? And How? Are you meeting their expectations? Maybe you are wasting your time to satisfy someone's requests? After all, if there is no realization of your unique potential in the list of their expectations and wishes, then you did not meet your goals. Now imagine that everyone suddenly fell behind you. Relatives no longer ask when you will finally get married / ask for a promotion / get a second degree and so on. Will you still want it? Or will you realize that deep down your dreams lie in a completely different area?

Explore yourself

Imposed judgments live in us, even if we do not know about it. Usually we forget how and when we got this or that installation. The self-observation game will help to remember this. Its essence is simple: divide the notebook pages into three columns. In the first one, enter the facts that you notice behind yourself, for example: “I only wear long skirts”, “I always dye my hair blond”, “I buy a certain type of coffee”, and so on. And in the second column, try to answer why you are doing this? Spied on a star or parents? Do you like it yourself? Or "it's accepted"? “Public attitudes can be distinguished by marker words: “must”, “should”, “must”, says life-coach Anna Rykova. “Try to run them through the formula ‘I want, I can, I choose’.” For example, rewrite the phrase "I work because I have to" as "I don't want to work. I can't work. But I prefer to work to save up for a round-the-world trip.” Then it will become your conscious choice. In the third column, answer, does the imposed rule bring any bonuses (comfort, pleasure, money ...)? If not, feel free to cut him out of your life.

Authentication

It is important to understand what is behind your motivation, what value or need. For example, you want sweets because you need to reward yourself or relax. But there is more than one way to satisfy your requests. And you can recognize their essence using the method of sequential questions. For example, you do not know whether to give birth to you or not. Ask yourself why you need a child. Because it's time? Because then you will regret that you did not give birth? Is that what your mom wants? Gradually brushing aside unsuitable options, “removing the husk”, you will get to the true need. This is, for example, the approval of the mother. Business coach Anna Gurevich calls it the “onion method.” Or, let's say you are hesitant to part with a man who does not behave very respectfully. Ask a question: what does this novel mean to you? What is it for? What happens if you break up? As a result, two values ​​\u200b\u200bare on the scales: relationships and self-esteem.

Don't delay for tomorrow

You can set your priorities with the simple “I always wanted” technique. Write a list of 100 things you want to do in your life: run a marathon, be on the cover of a magazine, visit Tibet, and so on. “It’s easy to write 30 points, and then a stupor sets in,” says Mikhail Moskotin, Business Relations business coach. “In this case, the main thing is not to give up. After writing all one hundred, ask yourself the question: if I had five years to live, which of these points would I implement? Circle the most important - this is how your real desires will manifest.

Turn off your head

Our mind can have millions of possible answers to a question, but it is difficult to determine which one is correct. “We think that we make decisions with our heads, but in reality, when it comes to intentions, about the future, we don’t know what is really good for us,” says existential psychologist Vita Kholmogorova. “In fact, the choice is made not by consciousness, but by our subconscious, so when we are trying to find out“ What do I really want? ”, It is important not to turn on, but, on the contrary, turn off the brain and listen to feelings.” Meditation techniques can help you achieve this. Relax, close your eyes, focus on your breath, and ask yourself, “What if what I want really happens?” In that inner silence you have to face the sensation that arises. And if this is lightness, warmth, joy, then we are talking about a dream, the fulfillment of which will make you truly happy.

Recently, a friend asked a stunning question in depth - " I already realized that I can do everything, but how to understand what I really want?"

Indeed, at a certain stage you understand that all doors are open, you can be anyone, do anything, you can master any profession, live in any country. To realize that only you limit yourself is a deep insight. But then a natural question arises: but what should I choose? I can't do everything at the same time. How do I know what I really want?"

It is a great happiness to sincerely ask yourself such a question, rarely anyone is capable of it. You can try yourself in this and that, you can experiment and explore, look for yourself. I know many people who have been looking for themselves all their lives, but never come to an answer, what do they really want.

Why? Why is it so difficult to answer this question? It seems to me that the problem is in the very formulation of the question. Question " what do I really want?" suggests that you are separate from life, that there is a "I" that may want something different from what life itself wants to realize through you.

Going deeper, the real question is: What does life itself want to express through me? What does the universe want to create through me? Where will the abilities and talents that You have given me be most pleasing to You? How can I most fully express Your will?"

How to answer these questions? Where to look for the answer? It seems that everyone around is interested in completely different things. On the radio, TV, in the newspapers, in people's conversations, Navalny, the conflict in Syria and a thousand other things are discussed that have nothing to do with who you are and why you are here. And you're not here to buy odnushku mortgage! What difference does it make who becomes the mayor of Moscow or the president of the country if you don't know who you are and what life wants to express through you?

But in reality, we know. We have always known it and we know it now. We have built-in GPS inside us (you can call it what you want - intuition, inner voice or voice of the heart), which is always with us and always knows exactly where we are and what we need to do. This GPS is our direct link to Life. The only problem is that we do not hear it - there is too much interference in the head to feel this subtle, but at the same time stable signal.

I didn’t hear my GPS for many years, then I started to pick it up, but for various reasons I preferred to ignore it (after all, “I” know better what is best for me!) And I can’t complain about life - I always got everything I wanted. In addition to a few, but the most important - a sense of satisfaction, fullness of life, joy, harmony and happiness. I remember that time well - I asked myself: " Is that all - sitting in the office, earning money, living on the weekends and traveling somewhere three times a year - is that what I'm here for? Is this how my life will go?"And my logical mind answered:" boy, stop it, you have everything that many people only dream of, what doesn’t suit you? What? No joy? No self-expression? No drive? But look how much you get paid!"

And for a while, I followed the logical mind, ignoring what my GPS was whispering to me. But gradually, gradually, I began to listen to my GPS, I began to trust him, I began to ask him questions:

What do you want to tell me? -" You are here to enjoy every moment and be happy"

Thanks, Cap! And it's all? -" No you did not understand. All I want from you is that you rejoice, enjoy life, notice how everything is in harmony, what beauty I created for you, how much love there is in this world. Do you notice it?"

Yes, I feel it. It's all? -" No, that's not all. I want you to share what you have with others. He shared his abilities, wisdom, calmness, love. Everything I give to you, I actually give to others through you. You are just a conductor, and the better you conduct, the more I will give you."

But what exactly do I need to do? -" I don't care. Form is a secondary issue. Well, if what you do will most fully express what I want to express through you. Someone cooks a wonderful paella and thus shares his love with others, someone writes music, makes films, builds houses, someone teaches people Nordic walking... Decide this question yourself. The main thing is what you want to express, and not in what form you do it. And yes - you can even be a lawyer if you think that this form allows you to best express yourself, or rather, me through you. Just do what brings you joy."

And I foresee this question - " what should I do if right now I don't hear any GPS and don't feel any love and joy? I am confused, I am unhappy, my work and my life do not bring me joy, I do not see any meaning"The bad news is that in this state, no matter what you do, you will broadcast your internal state to the outside. You can only share what you have, and if you have longing, anger and boredom inside, you will share It will seem to you that life is against you, and in a certain sense this is true, because you are expressing something that life wants to express through you.

But there is good news too! Now you are closer than ever to finally turning your eyes inward and hearing what your GPS is whispering to you. So how can you hear it? That's what I write about in my blog :)

Write in the comments, do you hear your GPS? What helped you hear it? How has your life changed?