Forget about others for a while, take care of yourself. Ask yourself: if you were completely alone, without friends and family, without a job you hate and were not limited in choice, what would you like to do? Don't be afraid to show healthy selfishness and don't be ashamed of it. If you do not put your interests above the public, then no one will.

Don't regret anything

Constantly regretting what you did or didn't do in the past means standing still. Don't live in the past and don't regret anything. Live for today, live for the future.

Decide what you need the most

We do not always understand what we need in life. And it's extremely difficult to find out. Concentrate and think about what is really important to you. A family? Freedom of expression? Financial well-being? Make a list of priorities, it might help.

Determine what's bothering you

It’s healthy to decide what you want to do only when nothing holds you back. If you are upset or your head is full of things, then you will never be able to make a decision. Figure out what is annoying at the moment. "I'm pissed off at the office" is not the answer. What specific aspect of the job is causing concern? Annoying boss? Schedule? Dissatisfied with the position?

Think about how to fix it. Perhaps there are no serious problems in the current situation and changing just a couple of aspects will make you a happy person.

Find out what brings you pleasure

Pleasure is the key to a happy life. A person who enjoys life does not just live his years, but fills them with meaning. Think back to moments in your life when you were happy. What gave you pleasure? Travels? Communication with children? Company management? It will be easier to choose a further path, knowing what exactly makes you happy.

Tell others about your dream

There is no need to hide from family and friends the decision to drop everything and go towards your dream. By sharing your thoughts with them, you can get support and new ideas that you yourself would not have thought of.

Get in a positive mood

Life does not always go according to the script we have written. But there is no need to fall into apathy if something did not work out. Instead of mourning and doing nothing, continue what you started with a vengeance. Sooner or later success will come. Do not give up, but think positively and do what you have dreamed of all your life.

Just don't think that finding your purpose is easy. Many people have been looking for it all their lives. The main thing is not to stop and keep looking. One day it will definitely happen. Until then, try different professions and activities. After all, if you don't try it, you'll never know if it's for you or not.

Duality of desires (simultaneous coexistence in us of opposite - ambivalent - desires).

1. This is the norm.

People are not robots. They behave inconsistently. Evil, hurtful words (thoughts) and sincere affection, love towards the same person (watch yourself!). An absolutely sincere promise and "so prevailing" circumstances that the promise was not fulfilled.

No matter how we treat it from a moral point of view, the contradictory desires are a reality that is characteristic of all people. Ignoring this is like ignoring that the pan is hot. And you will get burned, and the cause of the burn is in you, and not in the pan.

1. As a rule, if you want something, you also have the opposite desire.

I want to sleep, how much I sleep - I want a stable job, salary and prospects

I want a strong man - I want freedom

I want the child to be healthy - I want him to need me, and we were closer

I want to spend money right now - I want to save.

I want to tell a lie - I want to respect myself for honesty (or not be afraid that they will expose).

I just want to be with him (her)! - And what, in my life there will be no one else?

I want to pay back! - I want to keep it!

I want to be slimmer - I want to eat what and how much I want (or - to calm down, or ...)

1. It can be perceived. Or (especially if it is considered bad, unacceptable) not allowed into consciousness. Regardless, it influences actions.

Always, if you want something, look for the opposite desire in yourself. Find.

I want to be rich - I want ... no, there is no poverty ... - DO NOT STRETCH! :) (That's 100%).

I want to be happy! - I want to be taken care of all my life, like a baby ... and for this, everything will somehow not work out for me ... well, have pity on me !!!

I want to be healthy! - See above ("I'm the sickest person in the world! Do you still have a jar of jam ?!").

I want a reliable (i.e. - predictable :)) person next to me - I want it to be boring - not to be ...

1. When we do not recognize the existence of some of our desires, because we consider them "bad", we lose control over them (we do not realize).

And then consciously we do one thing, and unconsciously just the opposite. Classic: do homework with the TV on (I want to concentrate - I want to relax).

Or: in the prime of life, work hard, but for a small salary (I want to earn money - I want to avoid responsibility, change and the risks associated with it). Here I do not mean a conscious choice related to vocation, family interests, etc.

Or - a person who does not allow the thought that he likes to be AND cruel (“I only want good for my child!”), May not be aware (and not control!!!) of the obvious excessiveness of his aggression with the help of homework or in other educational situations.

A fighter for morality, who pursues depravity, heading the anti-pornography committee and in the sweat of his face 8 hours a day is forced to watch erotic films and magazines.

In a word, either 1) what happens anyway is what we REALLY want more (but at the same time we don’t control our lives, and often we don’t even give an account of what we really do),

or 2) “press on the gas and brake at the same time”! As a result, neither one nor the other desire is actually realized, and relationships “break”.

1. It is pointless to scold, condemn yourself for your desires. They are all human, inherent in all people. Any desire "wants" something good and important for you.

Cruelty - to achieve, laziness - to protect from overload, meanness - to achieve an important goal at ANY cost (for politicians, this is also called "pragmatism" :)).

It's not about justifying yourself for everything.

Exactly the opposite.

An adult person treats all his desires with attention and respect. Playing war with yourself is stupid and destructive.

An adult, respecting all his desires, CHOOSE.

1. The ideal choice, as a rule, does not exist. Any choice necessarily entails some "pluses" and some "minuses". RESPONSIBILITY means not “blaming” the negative consequences of your choice on anyone.

Do not look for the guilty, do not refer to the circumstances, but deal with the consequences. Analyzing the reasons to make the next choice is better.

GUILT is always a search for “who is bad?”.

RESPONSIBILITY is the question “what to do in this situation?”

So, a mature person KNOWS that both he and those around him have CONTRADICTORY DESIRES.

He is NOT AFRAID of any desires, treating them carefully and with respect.

He consciously CHOOSE as far as possible which of the conflicting desires to follow. Simply because a conscious choice is more often a reasonable one. And the habit of following a conscious choice allows you to more accurately achieve goals (the principle of Genghis Khan: “If you are afraid, don’t do it, if you do it, don’t be afraid!”). This is freedom.

A teenager often acts "FREE", and disentangles the consequences of MOM. This is what is called: “TEENAGE COMPLEX”: I don’t owe anything to anyone, but you, of course, owe me! :)

FREEDOM is where there is RESPONSIBILITY: understanding the inevitability of negative consequences of any choice and readiness to meet them. Without blaming anyone (including yourself), analyzing and drawing conclusions. Perhaps by asking for support, but INDEPENDENTLY resolving the negative consequences of his choice.

INDEPENDENCE - FREEDOM to make a CHOICE, i.e. make non-obvious decisions, and bear RESPONSIBILITY for their consequences.

We expect the baby to be obedient. We expect adults to be independent. A person cannot be obedient and independent at the same time.

Oh, as one smart client in his Serious Cabinet said to me quite unexpectedly at this point in the conversation: so you are talking against the state. I had to agree with him: well... perhaps, this is objectively against what is pouring out of our state TV... - About freedom, but about responsibility...

It often happens that it seems that life has lost its meaning. There is no goal, there is no mood, hands drop. As if everything stopped around and froze ... How to get out of this state? Let's find out how to deal with it.

First you need to understand yourself

What needs to be done:

1. Accept yourself. There are no perfect people. We all have fears and we need to get rid of them. Without assessing the situation in which you find yourself, it is impossible to find ways to solve it.
2. Stop deceiving yourself. For example, I can’t do fitness from tomorrow due to a difficult period in my life, which will only aggravate the situation. But everything looks different. I can't exercise because I'm lazy. Self-deception hinders personal growth and development.
3. Visualize your problem. We just take paper and a pen and write everything on a sheet. You can highlight the pros and cons, compare them. Look at the situation from the outside, and the problem will no longer seem so terrible and hopeless.
4. Cut off the ends from the past. Everyone in life had situations for which they had to blush. And these memories pop up and do not allow to live in peace. No matter how difficult it is, look back, restore the events in stages, draw conclusions and never return to this again.

You need to get rid of unnecessary thoughts, get rid of inner anxiety.

And yet, how to understand what you want from life?

Need a goal

If there is no guiding star, there is nowhere to move. We will stand still. It is important because:

1. Gives clarity. How to understand what you want if there is no main goal? There is no dream. You can work for decades doing something you don't like, while it will seem that you are doing so much, but in the end in vain. It is the goal that helps to help determine, formulate hidden desires. And then all the forces and energy you will direct to its implementation.
2. Pushes forward. The goal reflects our desires, which are the motivator. It is the engine that constantly keeps us moving, even in difficult situations.
3. Focuses attention. How to understand who you want to become in life, when all the efforts and time are wasted? You can endlessly work on something that does not play any role for you, marking time in one place. Until there is a clear formulation of what you want, nothing will change. When a goal appears, we focus our attention on it and achieve the goal.
4. Makes you responsible. Tasks encourage commitment without placing it on someone else's shoulders. Now we do not just want something, but we must act.
5. Helps you get better. Goals in life reveal potential, indicate new horizons, create conditions that make you give more than one hundred percent, help you overcome difficulties.
6. Make life better and better. And all because you will become a different person - purposeful, collected, gain new knowledge and invaluable life experience, learn to overcome difficulties and win. Your outlook will change, you will look at the world with different eyes.

If you want to become an optimist and understand life, set goals, achieve your goals. Now let's move from theory to practice. Let's look at seven powerful techniques that will help in this matter.

Technique 1: "Make a list of 101 wishes"

It will seem difficult at first and it will take a long time, but it is worth it. Goals should be clearly stated: if you want a car, indicate not only the brand, but also the year of manufacture and color. Dreaming of a new job? Describe what type of work you will be engaged in, indicate the desired salary.

Second Technique: “Learning to See the Goal Clearly”

To understand the question of how to understand what you want from life, you need to develop inner vision, which will help you look into the subconscious and get real dreams from there. This technique will teach you to focus not on the means and methods by which the goal will be achieved, but on the desires themselves, to distinguish them from imaginary ones. While you should not think about the realization of the goal, the mind will independently find ways to fulfill it.

So, in order to understand what you want from life, do not be lazy, do not stop halfway. We move on. The task is clear, let's get to work.

You need to relax. You can turn on calm music, take a few deep breaths. You need to close your eyes and imagine the future in each of the areas of your life in the form of pictures, vivid images. For example:

• Family, love relationships.
• Relatives and friends.
• Place of residence (apartment, house).
• The interior of the dwelling and other property.
• Car or other vehicles (helicopter, snowmobile, yacht).
• Image (clothing, jewelry, accessories).
• Work, career.
• Financial condition.
• Personal achievements (spiritual growth).
• Body, health.
• Rest and free time.
• position in society.

After the end of the figurative representation, it is necessary to describe in detail all the pictures for each area.

Technique Three: “Imagine Your Perfect Day”

How to understand what you want from life, if you exist in a monotonous everyday dullness that does not bring joy? Give yourself pleasure and dream about how you wake up and with whom. What will be the awakening and attitude of the person who will be next to you? Imagine exercising, swimming in the pool. Then colorfully picture a rich breakfast in your imagination. Imagine where you will work and who, what will be your income. Will you travel in your own car or with a driver? How will you spend the evening - with your family, in the gym, in a restaurant? You need to think through all the smallest details of your ideal day.

Fourth Technique: "Articulate Desires"

The most effective exercise. It is better to do with a partner, you can take turns. Become facing each other. The one who will be the first to answer the questions needs to relax and close his eyes. Another starts to say:

• Recall a situation that completely liberated and relaxed you. (Pause).
• Do not hold back, mentally return to it and feel the same emotions. (Pause).
• Now try to connect in your thoughts with a part of yourself that knows what you really want, if you discard all the barriers that limit you: a sense of fear, anxiety, anxiety. (Pause).
• Immerse yourself in yourself, climb into the hidden corners of your soul and answer the question of what you want from life. At this point, it is necessary to write down the expressed desires. And so - for fifteen minutes.

The answers given at the final stage of the training will be the most truthful. It remains only to make a promise to yourself that you will fulfill everything.

Fifth Technique: "Let go of the imagination"

It is necessary to answer in writing many questions from all areas of your life. For example:

• What do you want most from life?
• What would you like to have (car, clothes, jewelry, etc.).
• What brings you satisfaction in relationships with a loved one, family, relatives?
• Who are you jealous of and why?
• Want to sleep more?

In this vein, you need to answer questions that will stimulate subsequent reflection and help you figure out how to understand what you want from life.

Technique Six: "Visualization"

Twice a day imagine your dreams, visualize the achievements, as if they have already come true. For example: "I bought (la) an apartment in the city center."

It often happens that a person goes to the same job for decades, after which he sees nothing - only life, family and everything in a circle. But at some point he stopped and realized that he wanted a different life. And here you need to start with a reassessment of yourself. If you want to understand life, then stop feeling sorry for yourself, torturing and tormenting yourself. You need to look for a target.

And the last, seventh technique: "Create a dream"

It is essentially the same visualization. If you are dreaming of a house, find a picture of the maximum similarity on the Internet, print it out and paste it into an album or frame it. And look at it every day.

We looked at practical exercises, but there are also many tests “How to understand what you want from life?”, Which will also help you determine the goal.

Let's turn to the great classic Anton Pavlovich Chekhov

He lived only 44 years, and wrote more than 900 works. Many have become classics of world culture, and sayings - aphorisms. The meaning of one of them, concerning our topic: if you want to become an optimist and be able to understand life, you should not believe what they write and say, turn on observation and delve into it yourself.

Thus, the topic "If you want to understand life ..." Chekhov also touched upon.

We found the target, but it doesn't work. What to do in this case?

Now it’s clear: in order to determine your desires, you need a main goal and subgoals to achieve it. And it would seem that you are doing everything right, moving forward, but for some reason things start to go wrong, although it seems ideal.

It immediately comes to mind that there was an erroneous statement of the problem. But in fact, everything is absolutely not so, it's just that what we think is not our true desire. Many people do not know how to listen to the subconscious.

Consciousness is just the tip of the iceberg. And the rest of the hidden block is the subconscious. So, thanks to the first one, we make decisions, dream, build life paths. But it is influenced by other external factors, so the true desire remains veiled.

It happens that there is a goal, motivation and actions, but all of a sudden everything starts to go wrong, collapses. This is the work of the subconscious. Let's say you were invited to an important business meeting related to business, but you lose your business card and can't get to it. Psychologists explain this situation by the fact that nothing happens by chance in life. In fact, it turns out that deep down inside you simply did not want and were afraid of this meeting.

The subconscious gives us clues through dreams, sensations and other signs, but they need to be able to decipher. And only when we learn to control our subconscious, will we begin to make really right decisions.

To understand what you want, you need to learn to listen to the subconscious, which is the key to our life, potential and talent. The subconscious mind makes up 90% of our psyche. It stores all knowledge and experience, fixes most of the installation programs.

How to choose the right solution?

And how do you know what you want to do in life? You need to calm down, relax, ask a question and just observe yourself and the world around you. If there are no joyful emotions, a feeling of lightness, and, worse, discomfort has appeared, and at the same time external circumstances are against you, the idea should be abandoned.

And remember: you can only fight for happiness if external factors influence you and your loved ones, and banging your forehead against the wall next to the open door is not happiness, or it is not yours.

Why do we not achieve such success that would please and inspire us? Often the point is that we do not strive for what we really want, we choose goals and plans that the world around us and other people dictate to us, and not our own values, interests and desires. In Conquering Your Fear, Mandy Holgate provides an exercise to help you identify your true dreams and strategies for getting started on your path.

Do you want a Ferrari?

I often ask listeners: "Who in this room wants to have a Ferrari?" What response do you think I'm getting? Forest of hands? Several voices: "Yes, let's get her here!"? What answer do you expect?

In my practice, usually one or two people raise their hand. And then I ask these few daredevils who bravely wave their hand near their ear: “If you really want a Ferrari, then why are you so hesitant to admit it? Do not stretch your hand to the ceiling, do not jump on a chair, as in the first grade, when you know the answer and want the teacher to ask you specifically?

You see, when you really want a Ferrari, it's a real passion - an inner stimulus that you feel in every cell. Whenever you hear a coveted name or see a photo of your dream car, you are filled with excitement and curiosity.

But not once, when I gave this example, did I see such excitement, such passion, such tension of feelings among those who supposedly dream of a Ferrari, which does not allow them to sit still: “I will now burst from love at first sight, if I don’t allowed to speak in the same nanosecond!”

This is what true passion looks like. You need to understand what your goals and inner drives are and gain the confidence to be yourself without pretending. Find out what makes you feel so full of life that you, before reading this phrase, notice how your heart beats faster, your lips open in a smile, and you begin to fantasize about the results. Here is the passion. Here is the goal. But too often we hide what we really want and who we are for the sake of others. And therefore we achieve only those results that others want from us.

Author's exercise "My values"

One day in a coaching session, the client, after completing one of the exercises below, found out to her horror that her hobby was higher on her priority list than her husband. And it was not as clear cut as it seems. Together, we found out that she did nothing for the sake of what really mattered to her: she did not pay enough attention to this important hobby for herself, she constantly ignored and suppressed the internal stimuli that helped her to feel the fullness of life. But when she realized what values ​​​​are significant to her, she was able to change something - and noticed significant improvements in all areas of her life. She did not make a choice between her husband and her hobby. And of course, her priority list didn't mean she didn't love her husband. But it was important for her to realize the values ​​that make up her personality, and to understand: ignoring them, she does not feel happy, alive, and this, in turn, affects many other aspects of her life and work.

1. List everything that is important to you in life.

This list will not be shown to anyone. You don't have to explain your choice. If you include children in this list, but not a husband (or wife), that's your business, and no one will judge you for it. Then choose ten items from the written. Below I give my list - you can take it as a sample. Not necessarily your list will be similar - write about what you want.

For example, career, travel, family, success, friends, money, hobbies, culture, work, recreation, sports, health, physical activity, socialization, finance, writing, gardening, reading, music are important to me.

Draw such a sign and write your points in each line of the first column - in any order:

Table from the book

2. Compare these points with each other in pairs.

For example, if you had to choose, would you be able to do without family or vacation? If you could not give up the family, then the family scores one point and the rest scores zero. Could you do without family or entertainment? If you can't do without entertainment, then entertainment gets one point, and the family gets zero. This does not mean that something is wrong with your family or with yourself. Don't you dare blame yourself. This list will not need to be shown to anyone, you compile it for yourself and only for yourself in order to see what is important to you in life. If you give a family a zero point, it does not mean that it is unimportant to you. You simply determine what place it occupies in your system of priorities. So remember: no guilt, just honesty. Listen to your intuition and write the pure truth!

3. Work through the entire column in this way, comparing the first item with the third, fourth, and so on.

I compare family and entertainment, family and work, family and helping others, and you have your own list. Repeat for each item.

You will end up with a board that looks like this. Table from the book

4. Sum the scores for each item.

This information will help you understand what your priorities are. Let's say in our example the top values ​​are family, fun and helping others, because family scores nine points, entertainment scores eight, and helping others scores seven.

It's important to know your top ten values ​​in life, but it's even more important to identify the top three that have the most impact on your life. In our example, leisure and money each received four points, which means they are not as significant as the first three values. However, they are on the list, and this will help to consciously take them into account in life. You will certainly come across situations where these values ​​will have to be given their due: for example, I want to make a large purchase and I am ready to work hard for this. But let's not forget about the rest!

Yes, it's scary to admit: "These are my priorities." But you have to start somewhere, right? Have you noticed that some people walk around with dull eyes, as if a light bulb has burned out inside them, while others seem to glow from the inside, shine and are full of life? Often this exercise brings unexpected discoveries. A person discovers that what he considered the main value in his life is not so high on his list of priorities. Realizing this, you get the opportunity to live a fulfilling life.

motives

If you want to realize your wildest goals and dreams, learn to go against the flow. You will need to consider other people's opinions. In general, you will experience fear. But positive actions find a positive response. Only inertia and inaction allow fear to grow and worsen.

You must know your values, know what inspires you and why.

And yet, fear can be a decisive factor that prevents you from acting in order to get the desired result, which is internally valuable to you. To motivate yourself to take the necessary action, look at your motives. If you don't live up to your values, what are you agreeing to? Ask yourself these important questions:

• If I don't understand who I am and don't feel ready to stand up for it and be myself, then what am I agreeing to?
• If I deviate from my nature and from my values, what am I agreeing to in this case?

Remember the exercise "My Values". What values ​​are important to you? What are you willing to do without? What are you willing to sacrifice? Ask yourself:

• If I continue to deviate from my values, how will this affect my life?
• How will this affect my loved ones?

Yes, deciding to realize your potential can be scary. But isn't it scarier to hide your true nature? Remember how a person who really wants a Ferrari feels? That's what you should feel - the deepest inner need to know the answers to these questions.

Everything goes on as usual: the plot is familiar, the roles are clear, the frame is replaced by a frame. But at some stage, the main character will definitely ask: “What do I want from life? Is this my role? Am I really happy? Such questions can change your whole life, and the search for answers can give you an invaluable experience. You can start right now by learning about the 6 steps to success. But first, it is advisable to familiarize yourself with the symptoms of an indefinite state.

Signs that a person does not know what he really wants:

• Questions “What will we order for breakfast?”, “Latte or americano?”, “By metro or on foot?” make them hesitate, changing solutions several times in 1 minute.
• There is a sharp desire to go somewhere (to the cinema, for example), but as soon as the film starts, the person realizes that he does not want to watch it.
• Periodically rolls sensations of emptiness or, leading to.
• There is nothing to do, to move in the usual rhythm.
• Sometimes you get the impression that you are watching yourself from the outside.
• Any pressure with requests to solve something drives into a "dead end" and causes irritation.

Now let's move on to solutions.

1. Where is "I" here?

Caring parents are accustomed to "themselves know what is best." They strive to solve all problematic issues for their children, to protect them from the "negative influence" of the outside world or financial difficulties. That is why the issue of graduates is not decided, but by their experienced relatives. “You will go to a lawyer,” says a knowledgeable father. “A teacher is a prestigious and stable job,” the grandmother intervenes. “Replace me in the accounting department, the place is already heated,” Mom turns on.

So it turns out that a talented artist, who could become a high-class designer in the future, succumbs to the persuasion of adults. He enters an unloved faculty, gets an unloved job and lives a life that is not his own. But you can at any moment. The main thing is to discard what is imposed by someone from the outside. The emergence of questions “Where is the real me in all this?” and “What do I want from life?” is not only a sign of maturity, but also a motivating pill for personal growth.

2. Put a dossier on yourself.

Devoting a lot of time to work, the problems of loved ones or other people's posts on social networks, we completely forget about ourselves. It's not about looks or entertainment, but about knowing yourself. Modern life is like a race, where in a hurry to "finish everything", you lose the main thing - understanding what you really want from life. A dossier compiled in a frank conversation with oneself will help to find it. To do this, you need to remember what you liked to do in childhood, what are your inclinations to, is it buried in the ground?

Children's photographs, letters or awards once received, as well as psychological research can become assistants in detective work. There are many on the Internet that help you to know yourself better, paying attention to qualities that may have remained in the shadows. Communication with psychologists, attending master classes or participating in webinars aimed at studying personality can be beneficial.

3. What is written with a pen ...

Thoughts and conversations are one thing, and writing on a piece of paper is a responsible step. Maybe such a statement sounds joking, but as soon as a person picks up a pen, he immediately finds a “stupor”. In order to write the first line, you need to at least concentrate, gather, concentrate. At this stage, it is advisable to perform several exercises.

• Write about your dreams and desires. The more specific they are formulated, the easier the subsequent work will be.
• Continue the sentences: "I want ...", "I don't want ...". It can be anything, but it is desirable that the number of offers in the total amount does not exceed 14 positions.
• Now it's time to become Aladdin, who was lucky enough to find a magic lamp with Genie. And then - everything is like in the famous story: Jin is ready to fulfill only three wishes. Damn, you can't change your mind! Having carefully re-read and considered all the points, we can safely distinguish three main “wants”. Even if the fairy-tale hero forgets about them, there will now be guidelines for what to strive for.

4. Looking to the future.

Many young people are used to living for today, forgetting to ask themselves: "to achieve in life?" But in vain. After all, it is this dialogue that determines the course of movement, the level of work on oneself and much more. To understand in which direction to go, it is enough to draw (does not matter verbally or in writing) yourself in 10, 20 and 30 years.

If the imagination has created, for example, a positive image of a successful doctor in his own car, then most likely you should try to get a quality education and good practice. But if the silhouette of a doctor seems unhappy, irritated or tired, then maybe the path chosen is wrong?

A person from the future is simply obliged to be smiling and happy, otherwise everything does not make sense.

You can figure out what I want to do and what to do by trial and error. There are many different ways in the world, trying something radically new. Perhaps sewing purses, filming documentaries, or blogging would be ideal. And ate not? This means that the experience gained will show the direction in which it is definitely not necessary to move. After all, understanding what I do not want skillfully separates the wheat from the chaff.